What at sort of people are the South Carolinians, really? If they are so mint-juleps-on-the-veranda, how do they explain the "fathered a black baby" charge they level yet again at Senator McCain and at everybody else who campaigns there? Isn't it possible that South Carolina just sucks? We're the South Carolina Observers for Truth, and we decided to investigate.
We present the facts as we have found them. You need not feel bound by our conclusions. You may decide that South Carolinians are, despite the great weight of the evidence, Americans.
1. South Carolina's Geologic History. South Carolina was originally part of South Africa, and came here somehow in about 1948 due to plate tectonics.
2. Oh, come on. You don't know anything about plate tectonics. Okay, you're right. The truth is much worse:
South Carolina, and South Carolina alone, refused to sign the Declaration of Independence unless Jefferson edited out the anti-slavery stuff.
South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union.
South Carolina regularly raids its more prosperous and peaceful neighbor, North Carolina, and kidnaps people with postgraduate educations who are then enslaved and forced to work at Bob Jones University.
The South Carolina Constitution frequently refers to "buxom black wenches."
The Piedmont regions of South Carolina are known for the practice of cannibalism.
Surely you don't mean all South Carolinians. We don't. Scattered across the state is a dim and vanishing archipelago of civilized human enclaves comprising about three per cent of the population. This element has never had much influence, and will probably be extinct within a few generations. We salute them now, while they remain to be saluted.
Okay, you're big on criticism. Do you have some reasonable solution to the problem of South Carolina? South Carolina was the model for the famous "Interzone" passages in William S. Burroughs's Naked Lunch. In Burroughs's novel, the citizens of Interzone were "permanently quarantined behind a radioactive wall of iron bricks." South Carolina Observers for Truth think this is a very good idea.
In the meanwhile, we urge all Presidential candidates to stay away from South Carolina. If you go there, someone will accuse you of fathering a black child. I personally guarantee this will happen. In all of American history there is only one Presidential candidate South Carolina did not accuse of fathering an illicit black child, and that candidate was Senator Strom Thurmond.