I was 15 when I had my first crush. It was on a sensitive, articulate, ridiculously good looking young man- probably the only man I knew that read the same books I did, and could argue intelligently and eloquently about Joseph Campbell. When he asked me out for dinner, I was excited. During dinner he introduced me to his handsome, equally eloquent and intelligent boyfriend. For the next 1 hour sad George Michael ballads played through my head. (foreshadowing?) But at the end of it, I was convinced that they were indeed perfect for each other. I went home and told my mom, I had met a guy who had a boyfriend. She said..."he is probably very artistic".
It is seen as a negative that my parents had a gazillion stereotypes about every race, community and subset of people in the world. However, to their mild credit, my parents never had a negative stereotype about any one of them. If someone was black- they were probably great dancers, if they were Asian, they were probably hard working, if they were Jewish, they were probably good with money. My father would qualify this with his standard disqualifier..not that people not of that community weren't. It took a video from Peaches and Herb for him to finally question his stereotype that being Black automatically made every person of that race a great dancer. My parents probably have a kind word for wingnuts as well. That is just the way they are.
For me, someone saying they are gay or straight doesn't make any difference in the way I'd treat them. I had never known anyone who felt they were particularily different. Well, they prefered their own gender, but that to me, and everyone was something entirely inconsequential. In one case even a benefit because I prefered their clubs to the meat market some straight clubs may seem to a woman like me.
When I came to America, I first encountered homophobia when my closest friend came out to me. He came from a staunch Christian family. For years he had been in total denial of who he was. Then he just didn't wish to live that lie. When he told me, I treated it with the level of shock I would have if he had told me that he liked Lasagna. Made no difference to me, and I thought it would make no difference to anyone. Boy was I wrong.
As he struggled for an "appropriate" way to come out to his parents, he struggled with a seriously conservative college. Most of our classmates didn't give a damn, and most of his friends didn't. But some did. He was not the target of hate, or hurt in graduate school. He was however the target of "concerned well wishers", people who believed this was a momentary abberation, some kind of "impulse" brought about by his wavering of commitment towards his faith.
He finally decided to break the news gently to his parents. The reaction I saw was something I needed to see. Because never...not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how hateful, how angry, how homophobic people could actually be...even to their only son. They ranted, they raved, they spoke in tongues...they demanded all of us kneel down and pray that he be cured from this `affliction' this very instant...They even blamed me for encouraging this "perversion" because since I was not Christian, I led him astray.
I went home and thought about all those friends I had. In my absolute naivette I thought being gay or lesbian was as effortless as being straight. God knows I had not seen any evidence that it would have been otherwise. That is when I started asking...was it easy? Did you have to struggle? Were you made in any way to feel inferior? The answers staggered and humbled me. I was crushed for days.
For Lesbians, it was terribly dismissive. If they were not of the category that would be considered conventionally attractive, they faced a lot of patronizing bullshit. The kind that goes "she couldn't get a guy, so she had to `settle' for women." And man haters of course. If she was conventionally attractive, the attention would get lewd. "Can I watch?" was the most expressed male sentiment. Unlike men, women didn't seem to fear them, like some straight men fear gay men, but there was occasionally the sentiment that this was not real. One particularily vivacious woman who I always considered the life of the party, popular among men and women alike claimed that many women dismissed her lifestyle as "attention whoring".
In the case of men, oh lord...maybe I just knew more gay men and the litany was correspondingly huge...but lord. From straight men who liked them suddenly fearing them as potential rapists because they were gay, to feeling pressured to live up to a gay stereotype...the problems were unique, the problems were diverse, and sadly, the problems were often the polar opposite. The lesbians were dismissed a patronizing attitude just as harmful, the gays were loathed.
"My son was normal." One father shouted. "Absolutely normal. He played with GI Joes. He did not play with Barbies or Magic ponies. He was a grade A athlete in school. No nancy boy theatre stuff. Those people changed him."
His son joked that his father should have started worrying that he was playing with buff, muscular male action figures instead of blonde bimbettes. He was not entirely serious, but atleast his father came around years later. My best friend's dad and mom have completely disowned him. But as he says..
"I could pretend to be straight, and make them happy and be damned. Or I can be true to myself and be damned in their eyes. Damned if I do, damned if I don't- but I'd rather be damned with the truth than with a lie."
I love him dearly. He was my "maid of honor", the Godfather to my son, and when "concerned advocates" ask if I worry about him around my 4 year old son, they are never allowed in my house again. After that, I could never bring myself to have a "wedding" in a religious house. I could not be one of those "live and let live" people. If someone is uncomfortable with gay people, that is their prerogative, mine is to ensure that their agenda, their dirty politics, and their ugly ways do not affect what I can control. And when religion dictates that we can treat people differently, then I cannot accept that particular philosophy in my government, and my life.
And when the candidates I wish to support tip toe around gay marriage, I get worried. Because for every thousand people they alienate by playing the "safe" view, they alienate people like me who believe equality is not something that you play a moderate view on. Nope. Can't do it. Religion does not have a monopoly on marriage, and nor do straight people like me.
I understand that your experiences may be very different. And I apologise if it seems like I am making generalities. I am merely describing my experience based on my conversations. That is all my intention is.