Yes, I'm afraid it's come to this -- looks like my candidate might not win the Democratic nomination.
So I'll be voting Republican in November.
Why? Because if this country is so blind that it does not see how totally awesome my candidate is, then it deserves eight more years of Republican misrule.
You see, my candidate is the only true progressive in this race. The other candidates are bought and paid for by special interests. And if I can't have a true progressive to vote for, then I might as well vote for a Republican.
Now, some of you might think I'm nuts. But bear with me.
I realize that the Republican Party has not yet picked a nominee and I might have to vote for the bass-playing preacher who wants to change the Constitution to conform to God's law, but I'm willing to roll the dice. Because otherwise I would have to vote for your candidate, who I have declared numerous times on this site to be the Spawn of Satan.
So we'll just have to forego the nation's first female or black president. I'm voting for one of the old white guys.
But what about Iraq you ask? Yes, it's a shame that thousands more will die when I vote Republican, but your candidate wants the withdrawal to last six months longer than my candidate. How can I possibly support that?
And sure it's high time we had some real progressives on the Supreme Court. But if your pathetic POS candidate gets elected we'll surely get some centrist. If that's what's coming we might as well have a court full of Scalia clones. So I'm voting for the guy who will put Ralph Reed in judicial robes. Sorry about that right-to-choose thing. Maybe your grandchildren can win it back.
And I'm so pissed that your candidate has been spreading lies about my candidate that I'm voting for the party that gave us the Swift Boat Veterans for the Truth. That'll fuckin' teach you!!!!
It's all because your candidate pulled a dirty trick last week so I'm voting for the guys who send out anonymous emails about fathering illegitimate children and produce TV ads showing their opponent's head morphing into Osama bin Laden.
And I'm real sorry about how the obscenely wealthy will be getting more tax breaks and you'll be losing your job in the coming recession, but you were warned and you still chose not to support my candidate.
What the fuck is wrong with you anyway?
And don't whine about it either, because you all are forcing me to do this, just like you forced me to vote for Nader.
Wait! It gets better. I'm not just voting for the Republican in November. I'm going whole GOP hog.
I'm gonna fly the Confederate battle flag in my front yard.
I'm trading in my Prius for a Hummer -- and not one of those little Hummers either. I'm gonna be a one-man carbon-emission factory so I can grow oranges in Alaska.
And I'm sticking a W sticker on the bumper of that Hummer, right next to the one that says "Dirty Fucking Hippies Hate the Troops."
And then I'm going to become a self-loathing gay in deep denial who hangs out in airport bathrooms and votes to ban gay marriage.
OK, maybe I won't do that last one. But I swear I'm doing all that other shit.
You had your chance.