This suspense is killing me! I'm going to spend 10 hours in front of the television to monitor Super Tuesday (we won't get Californian results until 5am here!) I need to laugh, even if it's a nervous laugh. Wine, coffee, snacks, bring it on!
My selection of silly jokes:
A little boy goes to his IT father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You got Male!"
Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.
How tough are Scotsmen?
The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Scotland,
one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the
bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there
es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale,
who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I
grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my
beer hends"
Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a
tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off
ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still
here today"
Colin the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Peanuts
A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, 'That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!' Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, 'Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!' He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, 'That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!' He immediately calls the waiter over and says, 'Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look! Am I GOING CRAZY?? 'Oh', the waiter nonchalantly replies, 'those are just the peanuts'. 'The PEANUTS?!?' the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him .
'Yes,' replies the waiter, 'they're complimentary!!
Irishmen in the UK
Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign.
suits £15.00
shirts £2.00
trousers £1.50
One said to the other one "Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune,
When we go into the shop don't say anything let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so I'll speak in my best English accent."
They go in and he orders,
50 suits at £15.00 and
100 shirts at £2.00 and
50 trousers at £2.50
the owner of the shop says "You're Irish aren't you"
"Oh bollocks..... Yes, how de hell did you know that?",
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners!!!!!"
Biology lesson
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.
I hope your candidate comes in!