As a life-long Democrat I have grown used to be scoffed at by Republicans in all matters relating to the Bible. They don't believe I've read it; they don't believe I understand it; they don't believe I can discuss it intelligently. Well, I have read it -- all of it. Do I understand it? No, not all of it, but I'm still trying to learn. Can I discuss it intelligently? If you will indulge me I would like to try.
First of all, I admit that I'm at a disadvantage because I'm Catholic. And as the old joke goes, "if Catholics read the Bible they would be Lutherans." But all denominations know one thing above else: Every word of the Bible is literally true. If Democrats were just able to grasp this simple concept, the whole "separation of church and state" argument would be obsolete!
As a case in point, let's consider the book of Leviticus. It is known as the third book of Moses in the Old Testament. There's no way of avoiding this, so let's start with the Republicans' favorite passage,
Leviticus 20:13 --
"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."
It's not a particularly long passage, but contains A LOT of information! It says that gay men can't get married; gay men can't adopt children; gay men can't serve in the military; and gay men can't represent Idaho in the Senate. Note that it does not forbid two women from hooking up! As far as I can tell (and remember, I've read the whole Bible) if two women wanted to . . . say . . . start a web site where they get friendly, God would be totally cool with that.
Now that we have that settled, let's move on to Leviticus 2:13 --
"And every oblation of thy meat offering shalt thou season with salt; neither shalt thou suffer the salt of the covenant of the God to be lacking from thy meat offering: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt."
Pretty straightforward, right? Put salt on your meat. Always. Because the Bible says so. If you're having dinner with a Republican and he doesn't salt his meat, hit him with Leviticus 2:13! You'll be doing the Lord's work. If your doctor (probably a Republican) says you have to cut out salt or you'll die from high blood pressure, hit him with Leviticus 2:13! Surely your health insurance will take care of any problems that your high blood pressure causes.
Next, let's be very clear about Leviticus 10:9 --
"Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: it shall be a statute forever throughout your generations."
Not much wiggle room there. Don't drink wine or hard liquor. Ever. But beer should be fine.
Here's a question that has plagued men throughout the ages: "My girlfriend has a mom that is FINE! Is it OK to try scoring with 'em both?" NO! This is specifically covered in Leviticus 18:17 --
"Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswoman: it is wickedness."
And that means NO GRANDMOTHERS too! Don't even think it. It is expressly forbidden, and this is a good time to remind everyone that every word of the Bible is literally true.
In closing, let's all try to remember the words of Leviticus 26:26 --
"And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied."
It is with words like these that Republicans are able to claim moral superiority over Democrats. It doesn't have to be! Study this passage carefully. Don't let a Republican win a political argument by throwing Leviticus 26:26 in your face. You know as well as Republicans do that ten women cannot satisfy you merely by baking bread in the same oven! And we all know what that means.