Some Republicans I used to work with just forwarded a "joke" – and I use the term loosely – Democratic National Convention Schedule, filled with rib-tickling fake agenda items such as
7:00 pm - Opening flag burning
7:20 pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm - Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:55 pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm - How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm - Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast & explains the new amnesty program
8:40 pm - Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm - Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon . . . .
Well, you get the idea.
The real coincidence here is that I just received a leaked copy of the agenda for the upcoming Republican National Convention.
DAY 1
1:00 p.m. – opening workshop on explaining how the liberal media started the war in Iraq, lost the war, caused the recession, and created the drought in the South.
2:30 p.m. – Rally to preserve CEO pay. (Bring your own "let them eat cake" sign.)
3:00 p.m. – nap time with the Commander in Chief.
4:15 p.m. – bathroom break (led by Senator Larry Craig).
4:20 p.m. – absolution and prayer service for hypocrites and self-hating people who aren't really gay. Some of the time. (Special guest appearance by Rev. Ted Haggard.)
4:30 p.m. – Chickenhawk appreciation cocktail reception, hosted by Jonah Goldberg.
5:00 p.m. – Dinner. ($10,000 per plate; $9,899 for senior citizens.)
6:15 p.m. – free time to call home, courtesy of AT&T and the Protect America Act.
7:00 p.m. – presentation of the Zell Miller "Profiles in Being Frightened" award to Joe Lieberman.
8:00 p.m. – keynote speaker VP Dick Cheney: "Boo! Everyone in the world wants to kill you, so shut up and let us protect you."
9:00 p.m. – John McCain concession speech.
10:00 p.m. – John McCain confession speech (introduction by Bud Paxson).
12:00 a.m. until ? – after hours S&M party with Bertie Gonzalez and the Abu Ghraib dancers.
DAY 2
8:00 a.m. – Ecumenical prayer breakfast. Topic: "Tolerance: Why Freedom of Religion applies to all Christians (except maybe Mormons)" – located in Grand Ballroom.
8:00 a.m. (alternative session): Welcoming our Jewish and Islamic Republican friends – located in janitor's closet adjacent to Grand Ballroom.
Just Added - 9:00 a.m. - Support the Troops by handing out Purple Heart Band-Aids questioning the severity of their injuries. If we don't believe in our troops capacity to heal better, who will? [Thanks to droogie6655321]
9:15 a.m. – Special seminar on answering the tough questions about God: "If there was an intelligent design, how do we account for the Bush administration?" (Led by members of the Kansas Board of Education)
11:00 a.m. – Mike Huckabee/Mitt Romney debate the Reagan legacy. "Resolved: I'm more conservative than you are." Moderated by Grover Norquist.
11:30 a.m. – Musical tribute to American folk hero Woody Guthrie (with updated lyrics to "This land is My Land" by Tom Tancredo).
12:00 p.m. – Lunch and Twenty-one aerosol can salute to global warming, sponsored by ExxonMobil (complementary champagne, caviar, and cigars wrapped in $100 bills).
2:00 p.m. – Parallel Sessions:
* Issues in Foreign Policy roundtable: How do we replicate our Iraq success in Iran?
* Issues in the Law roundtable: Why hide behind the bill of rights if you're innocent?
2:30 p.m. – Closing speech: "Heckuva Job, Brownie!" Mike D. Brown explains why people too poor to own a car have no business living below sea level.
3:00 p.m. – "Hug a mercenary" interactive children's fair, sponsored by Blackwater. (Remember parents: it's never to early to teach a Republican child the value of outsourcing your civic duties.)
4:00 to 6:00 p.m. – GOTV training session: voter canvassing and election protection, or how to remind real voters that Obama is half-black, and black voters that the election is being held on a Wednesday this year.