Inspired by this comment in RobertInWisconsin's Hillary, it's time to pull the plug on yourself.
It wouldn't let me sleep last night.... This excrutiating primary season all reminded me of something buried deep in my brain... something I'd seen long ago, in a very different place... something that just seemed to capture the feeling of this post-Wyoming, post-Mississippi dramatic moment.
Then, in a flash, it came to me: Since January, Barack and Hillary have been re-enacting Scene 4 of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, "Arthur and the Black Knight of the Bridge"! You all remember it... the scene where the Excalibur-wielding King Arthur leaves the Black Knight, sans arms and legs, flailing and angry and unyielding, on the ground. The noble Arthur seeks an honorable conclusion to the conflict. The Black Knight remains, to the end, unbowed (so to speak).
And so I give you Scene 4 of the 2008 Democratic primary season, "Obama and Dame Hillary of Chappaqua."
The role of Sir Arthur is played by Barack Obama.
The role of Patsy is played by Oprah Winfrey.
The role of the Black Knight is played by Dame Hillary of Chappaqua.
Adapted from the most excellent on-line Strictly-Unofficial, More-Than-Fully-Annotated Script:
The scene begins, I think, on the evening of January 3, amid the mythic Snows of Iowa....
BARACK: You fight with the strength of many men, Dame Hillary of Chappaqua. [pause]
I am BARACK, king of the Hopemongers. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest politicians in the land to join me in my cabinet in Washington. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. [to OPRAH] Come, OPRAH. [tries to circumvent HILLARY]
HILLARY: None shall pass.
BARACK: [To HILLARY] What?
HILLARY: None shall pass.
BARACK: I have no quarrel with you, good Dame Hillary, but I must cross this bridge.
HILLARY: Then you shall die.
BARACK: I command you, as king of the Hopemongers, to stand aside!
HILLARY: I move...for no man.
BARACK: So be it!
[The two fight. BARACK draws and the two engage in tremendous combat, BARACK wielding Excalibur easily and with grace. HILLARY grunts and shouts as her every blow is blocked, dodged, or parried. (This would be New Hampshire, Nevada, and Florida, I think) BARACK clubs HILLARY on the helm with the pommel of Excalibur, giving a resounding clong. (That would be South Carolina!) OPRAH grins.]
Now we move on to the Dark Ages of February....
[The battle continues as before. Suddenly, BARACK chops HILLARY’s left arm off. The wound bleeds profusely, spattering blood on the ground as HILLARY stares at it dumbly. (Super Tuesday!)]
BARACK: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
HILLARY: ’Tis but a scratch.
BARACK: A scratch!? Your arm’s off!
HILLARY: No, it isn’t. Those states are insignificant! Mere boutique states!
BARACK: [pointing] Well, what’s that then? (The Potomac primaries!)
HILLARY: [Looks at the arm] I’ve hurt worse.
BARACK: You liar!
HILLARY: Come on, you pansy! Hah! ("Shame on you, Barack Obama!")
[The fight resumes, BARACK defending himself lazily. Then, HILLARY charges. BARACK steps aside and chops HILLARY’s sword arm off (Wisconsin!). HILLARY halts, blood spattering the ground from the fresh wound.]
BARACK: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc—
HILLARY: [kicking BARACK in the head (Ohio!)and knocking him down] Hah! Come on then.
BARACK: What!?
HILLARY: [kicking at him] Have at you!
BARACK: You are indeed brave, Dame Hillary, but the fight is mine (Texas!).
HILLARY: [dancing around him] Oh, had enough, eh?
BARACK: Look, good Dame Hillary, you’ve got no arms left.
HILLARY: [stopping] Yes I have.
BARACK: Look!
HILLARY: [looks] Just a flesh wound. [kicks BARACK again]
BARACK: Look, stop that.
HILLARY: [still kicking] Chicken! Chicken!
BARACK: Look, I’ll have your leg. [gets kicked again for his trouble] Right!
[BARACK lops off HILLARY’s right leg (Wyoming!). Blood pours out.]
And now the action moves ahead briskly to the present....
HILLARY: [maddened] Right! I’ll do you for that!
BARACK: You’ll what?
HILLARY: [hopping about] Come ’ere!
BARACK: [disgusted] What are you going to do, bleed on me?
HILLARY: [nudging BARACK pathetically] I’m invincible!
BARACK: You’re a loony.
HILLARY: HILLARY always triumphs! [attempting a head butt] Have at you! Come on then.
[BARACK chops HILLARY’s other leg off (Mississippi!). She falls to the ground, a mere torso of the candidate she used to be.]
HILLARY: [glancing about himself] All right. We’ll call it a draw. (Offers BARACK the vice presidency!)
BARACK: Come, OPRAH.
[Exit BARACK and OPRAH across the bridge, clop-clopping all the way.]
HILLARY: [twisting around] Oh, oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to ya! I’ll bite y’ legs off! ("Meet me in... Pennsylvania!")
And so, life imitates art. And watch out for that Ferraro... She's no ordinary rabbit!