To our valued inmates: Tired of that boring old nutraloaf? You know, the meat substitute made from cubed whole wheat bread, nondairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, potato flakes, powdered milk and -- rumor has it -- just a light sprinkling of potassium nitrate, aka saltpetre. I mean what’s not to like? Nutria. photo: Wikimedia.org
Well suffer no more my feckless felonious food freaks; it’s a new day in prison and about time you got gormandized too (which is not nearly as bad or as physical as it sounds).
Yes, denizens of the U.S. Penal System (and considering circumstances , what a poor name choice for a system that turned out to be), not all of us can be fortunate enough to bunk with a budding Martha Stewart. Or even the real Martha Stewart. If we’re going to shuck that high R-value insulation material the screws call food, we'll not only have to step up to the plate, but to the bowl, glassware, flatware and serving tray. Yes, I know we’re all registered for our Release Showers at Jug & Joint or Clink & Barrel, but for some that’s still years away.
FOOD AS PUNISHMENT: VERMONT INMATES SUE OVER 'NUTRALOAF' by Wilson Ring
ASSOCIATED PRESS
12:15 p.m. March 22, 2008
MONTPELIER, Vt. – When shooting suspect Christopher Williams acted up in prison, he was given nutraloaf – a mixture of cubed whole wheat bread, nondairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes.
Prison officials call it a complete meal. Inmates say it's so awful they'd rather go hungry.
On Monday, the Vermont Supreme Court will hear arguments in a class action suit brought by inmates who say it is not food but punishment and that anyone subjected to it should get a formal disciplinary process first. Prison officials see nutraloaf Nutraloaf (à la carte) as a tool for behavior modification.
photo: LiveJournal, Bonerici "It's commonplace in other states as a way of providing nutrition in a mechanism that dissuades inmates from throwing feces, urine, trays and silverware," said Vermont Corrections Commissioner Rob Hofmann.
"It tends to have the desired outcome," Hofmann said. "Once the offender relents, we stop with the nutraloaf...."
Seth Lipschutz, an attorney with Vermont's Prisoner's Rights office, says the state has a legitimate interest in changing the behavior of inmates who misbehave.
But he says a diet of nutraloaf is punishment, plain and simple. To call it anything else is "playing with words to get what they want. It's wrong and it's sad," Lipschutz said.
So now the rrrrrrrrrrest of the story:
NUTRIA. IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........
"In the criminal justice system, the nutraloaf is served by two separate, yet equally important groups: folks like us stuck with kitchen duty and little say in the matter, and folks like them, who foie gras this sh*t down our gullets like there’s no tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow."
Sure they claim it’s for behavior modification, but re- ally, is that the "bm" that’s been giving you trouble week after week? A new nutria. Photo: nbii, C.C. Lockwood
And yet my friends, behind every dark cloud there's a foil lining. Today, Monday, the Vermont Supreme Court convenes to hear Nutraloaf arguments. We here at Café Correctionale aren’t leaving matters to chance. We are fully aware that in the off season, these very same jurists also judge the Vermont State Fair pie baking competition -- and the winning entry is almost never "beef and kidney" -- the only one yielding up any Humgry Man protein amongst all those other fruits and berries. So with the assistance of our team of Fear Factor dietitians, we took this sucker to arbitration. It was a streak of luck (and perhaps a carton or two of cigarettes under the table) that the authorities failed to run spellchecker, sending over a meateater instead of a mediator.
As a result, also beginning today here at Louisiana’s maximum security Angola Penitentiary, we will be switching our commissary vendor to Pied Piper Pies, purveyors of Nutria Loaf – made of 100% nutria, the invasive short-limbed, small-eyed, orange-toothed, coarse-haired, scaly tailed, yet tasty critter that has been the bane of the bayou since first introduced at the turn of the century from South America. Intended as an addition to the fur trade, it was only belatedly discovered that the haute couture crowd would not easily embrace just any rodent coat or rat wrap. Go figure.
Now we’ve got nutrias up the Wazoo (one of our major Mississippi tributaries). As you’ll see in the video that follows, the nutrian infestation is munching up Louisiana marsh grass at such an alarming pace as to endanger more than 100,000 acres of wetland between the Mississippi and the Actchafalaya – two rivers that account for approximately half of all vowel usage in our entire riparian system, despite employing only two of them. Because nutrias devour up to a quarter of their weight daily in the swamp grass roots that keep our wetlands from reverting back into open sea, they pose a serious environmental hazard to fragile coastal cities such as New Orleans – much like the Bush administration. Obviously not a problem that can be addressed only at the grassroots level.
What’s an environmentally concerned Louisianian to do? Because even here, the rat fur market is no longer what it used to be in the glory days, the $2-bounty we offer for each nutria pelt brought in by concerned citizens has hardly made a dent in the problem. Fortunately, thems nutrias is also darn good eatin’.
Who wouldn’t agree that even the most incorrigible among us isn’t entitled to a daily quarter pound serving of almost pure protein from the world’s second largest rodent, Myocastor Coypus? Close cousin to the capybara, and equally coveted as both a delicacy and a staple in South America. Yes, now here in America, we at Angola are proud to re-introduce this mouthwatering delight, equally at home in the Woodoven roasting Louisiana nutria Amazon rain forest or on a bun. And we might add, our rongeur du jour is said to be an Photo:Louisiana Wildlife & Fisheries excellent source of potassium. We Guar-ANNN-tee it!!!
But don’t just take our word for it. Our Cajun culinary consultant Chef Parola [honest-to-God we are not making that name up, look at the tape] assures us that the very same semi-aquatic invasive herbivore in this cooking video is 22.1% protein with 50% less fat than chicken and, we are quoting here, "half the cholesterol of a pig." They don’t call it nutria for nothing.
As you can see on the menu at video's end, Chef Parola gets $23.95 for a nutria entrée. But that’s only for the out-of-towners. Because you were fortunate enough to have been incarcerated here in Louisiana, once you voluntarily enroll in our Varmints to Vittles program, you will even be free to ask for seconds. Really as much as you want -- these suckers breed like rats. J'vous garantis!!!
Yes, nutria, flame broiled then cooked again in water – it’s natural habitat. Nutria, it’s what’s for Chef Parola's dinner!" And here at Angola, also for lunch and breakfast. Hind Saddle of Nutria a la moutarde. CHEZ RAGONDIN (nutria) de BATON ROUGE RESTAURANT FRANCHISES ARE NOW AVAILABLE IN THESE 18 RED STATES. (Albeit some only qualified as red by polling enough residents who said they would now be willing to eat roadkill in order to save the environment.) "EASY’ LOUISIANA NUTRIA RECIPES From the Louisian Dept. of Wildlife and Fisheries* * "Our loss is your entrée."
The great thing about Nutria Nothing goes to waste!
HEART HEALTHY "CROCK POT" NUTRIA Recipe by Chef Phillippe Parola Commandeur des Cordon Bleu de France Baton Rouge Culinary Institute Blogger's pick: "A toureen of grass green Cajun cuisine, straight to your table, fresh from the chef's guillotine."
2 hind saddle portions of nutria meat
1 tomato, cut in big wedges
2 carrots, sliced thin
1/2 cup white wine
2 teaspoons chopped garlic
1 cup demi glace (optional)
1 small onion, sliced thin
2 potatoes, sliced thin
Brussel sprouts
1 cup water
Layer onion, tomato, potatoes, carrots and Brussel sprouts in crock pot. Season nutria with salt, pepper and garlic to taste and place nutria over vegetables. Add wine and water, set crock pot on low and let cook until meat is tender. Cook for approximately 4 to 6 hours. Garnish with vegetables and demi glace (4 servings).
NUTRIA CHILI
Recipe by: Chef Enola Prudhomme
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 pounds nutria ground meat
1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon red pepper
1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon chili powder
1 cup diced onion
1 cup diced green bell pepper
1 cup diced red bell pepper
1 cup tomato paste
4 cups beef stock (or water)
1 can red kidney beans (opt.)
In a heavy 5-quart pot on high heat, add oil and heat until very hot. Add nutria meat, and cook and stir 10 minutes. Add salt, red pepper, chili powder, onion and both bell peppers. Cook and stir 15 minutes. Add tomato paste and 4 cups stock. Cook 30 minutes; reduce heat to medium. Add red kidney beans; cook an additional 10 minutes. Serve hot!
SMOKED NUTRIA AND ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE GUMBO
Recipe by Brian Berry from Hotel Acadiana's Bayou Bistro
2 smoked nutria, cut into serving pieces
1/2 pound sliced andouille sausage
1 cup vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups flour
2 cups chopped onion
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped bell pepper
Salt and cracked black pepper to taste
1/4 cup diced garlic
3 quarts chicken stock
2 cups sliced green onions
1 cup chopped parsley
In a two gallon stock pot, heat oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add flour. Using a wire whisk, stir until roux is golden brown. Do not scorch. Should black specks appear, discard and begin again.
Add onions, celery, bell pepper, and garlic. Sauté approximately three to five minutes or until vegetables are wilted. Add smoked nutria and andouille sausage. Sauté in roux approximately fifteen minutes.
Add chicken stock, one ladle at a time, stirring constantly until all is incorporated. Bring to a rolling boil, reduce to simmer.
Cook until smoked nutria is tender, adding additional stock to retain volume of liquid. Once tender, approximately one hour, add green onions and parsley. Season to taste using salt and pepper. Cook additional five minutes and serve over cooked rice.
Bon Appétit.
Former Dallas Film Commissioner Roger Burke published a satirical newsletter Occasional News Events From Around Texas And Selected States (acronym intentional) until he realized 10,000 others making up fake news on the Internet were probably already sufficient. His wife once spent $25 to have a rat humanely euthenized after a trap she'd encouraged him to set had only managed to mortally wound the critter. Both swear the rat stared at them as if sorely disappointed in our entire species. He personally has no known priors, and this romp is intended to ridicule the penal system, not necessarily unfortunate penees.
in this cooking video