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Barack Obama has scheduled a special press conference for noon today, at which he will announce that he is no longer going to seek the Democratic party nomination for President. Rather than continue the divisive process of primary campaigning, he has decided to step back from his quest for the White House.  Instead, he will pledge to support the candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

In a candid interview broadcast yesterday on Station WWTF in his hometown of Kenwood, Illinois, Obama explained why he is ending his campaign for the Presidency. "Well, Hillary is older than I am, and has a lot more experience. I've hardly done anything with my life, when you think about it. Sure, it might seem like years of service at the state level, and being elected to the Senate are big deals, but I just sort of lucked into those gigs, you know. Besides, it's fun being the only black Senator! Nobody makes much of a big deal about it there, you know, not like the press on the campaign trail, it's always 'race, race, race'. Isn't there anything else they're interested in?"

"Also, I get a big kick out of picturing Bill Clinton as 'First Husband', sitting there during Hillary's speeches with that plastered-on vacant grin the spouses have to perfect. Most importantly, though, I thought about it long and hard, and decided to let someone else try to clean up the mess that President Einstein has made of the country and the world. Good luck, Hillary and Bill! I'm off to Maui to kick back for a couple of months. Can I and my family really leave the fortunes of the Democratic party, and the country, in the hands of my esteemed opponents and just go off on vacation? YES WE CAN!"

The other candidates in the race had different reactions to this news. Ms. Clinton stated, "I congratulate Mr. Obama on having run an excellent and high-minded campaign. I look forward to working with him in the Senate, where his honorable service will be an asset to Illinois and the nation... Is this thing off now? It is? YEAH BABY! WOO HOO! Score another one for the Clinton machine! Hey Bill, we're moving back in to the old digs!"

On the other hand, upon hearing that Obama had ended his campaign, Mr. McCain responded, "You know, you can't trust those terrorists. We're still going to apprehend him, he can't hide in Iraq forever, even if Iran is helping him. What time is it? Did I have supper today?"

Originally posted to Morlock on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 11:42 PM PDT.

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