From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
$100 REWARD FOR ANSWERS
I'm just a poor, confused American voter still trying to figure out this whole Pastor Hagee controversy. Here's what I've figured out from the tiny morsels of information I've gleaned from the world wide webnet:
- Right-wing pastor John Hagee says vile, despicable things about patriotic Americans...the worst being that Catholics are part of a church that is a "great whore," that "all Muslims have a mandate to kill Christians and Jews," and that God damns America with hurricanes because gay Americans plan parades.
- Oh, and Hagee says God wants us to destroy Iran ASAP.
- John McCain actively seeks Pastor Hagee's endorsement and gets it.
- When John McCain accepts Hagee's endorsement, he doesn't include a list of the pastor's statements that he finds unacceptable. No, my friends, he accepts the whole Hagee package with no ifs, ands, or buts.
- When McCain finds out that Hagee thinks God damns America because of gays, Catholics, Muslims and others, McCain is shocked...shocked! But he continues to praise Pastor Hagee and cherish his crucial endorsement.
- Instead of turning the controversy into a teachable moment---with, say, a groundbreaking speech on religious diversity and equality for all Americans---McCain, the straight-talker, continues to weave and waffle his way through the Hagee controversy, hoping that the media will give him yet another free pass. (Most of the media comply in exchange for some excellent barbeque behind McCain's bus.)
- When gently---ever so gently---pressed about Hagee's statements weeks later by journalists, a visibly agitated McCain blurts out that, hey, at least he wasn't my pastor for twenty years!!!
Questions for Mr. McCain:
- If John Hagee was your pastor for twenty years, would you have left the church over his anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-Catholic and America-damning comments?
- If yes, why do you continue to accept Hagee's endorsement?
- If no, why not?
So I am a very confused average ordinary American voter today. That's why I'm offering a hundred dollars to the first journalist who asks the above questions to McCain's face, doesn’t let him off the hook until he gives a "straight talk" answer, and then airs or publishes those comments. Offer expires May 31, 2008.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Note: Due to high administrative costs, there's has been a slight change to the C&J health insurance plan. From now on, a pulse is considered a pre-existing condition and any procedure requiring one will no longer be covered. Thank you and have a nice day.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Indiana and North Carolina primaries: 7
Days 'til Lost Sock Memorial Day: 10
Number of Tibetans who have been killed by the forces of Communist China: 1,000,000+
(Source: The Week)
Average compensation of the 10 highest-paid presidents of public universities: $533,000
Number of them who earn more than the school's football coach: 2
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent of Minnesota bridges deemed deficient enough to be eligible for federal bridge aid: 12.2%
Percent of bridges in northern New England deemed eligible: 33.6%
(Source: FHA via AAA)
Number of words in "I don’t feel like driving to Bangor. Let's use our jetpacks": 11
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NEW Tuesday feature!! Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
When I really get lonely for the U.S. I make a trip to Hooters. There are two here in Shanghai and they are just like the ones in the U.S.
---White Devil, Red Angel
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Late to the party
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CHEERS to you. I have a very good reason for singling you out this morning. It seems 95 percent of Americans---including 100% of the media pundits---are incapable of listening to the Reverend Jeremiah Wright and thinking critically about what he says---not just the parts that make sense, but also the parts that don't. You, on the other hand, can watch a Wright speech (or Q&A session) and distill the good from the bad, the serious from the silly, the ecumenical from the egotistical. And that puts you squarely in a very esteemed club: citizens with a clue. Stay healthy.
JEERS to one helluva black stain. The Abu Ghraib prison abuse photos made the USA collectively retch during an episode of 60 Minutes II four years ago. [For those who have the stomach for it, this is what was done in your name and with your tax dollars, with the giddy approval of George Bush and Dick Cheney. Fair warning: it's gruesome.] Meanwhile last Sunday on 60 Minutes Supreme Court thug Antonin Scalia made it clear that the Founding Fathers thought using torture as an information-gathering tool was swell; they just hated torture being used as "punishment." As clear as mud. Meanwhile, Molly Ivins got to the nut of the tragedy back in May of '04:
[T]here is more than sufficient evidence pointing to the culpability of those at the top. But at the same time, the Pentagon is putting out the word that it was "only a few bad apples," six low-level soldiers who have already been charged, with no one else involved. This just stinks of cover-up. Damned if I think these six low-level soldiers should be hung out there to take the blame for a set of explicitly written and signed policies made by people wearing expensive suits, getting paid big bucks and bearing some of the highest titles in the land. You can read all the memos and documents for yourself. It's important to know how fascism starts.
Now that's clear.
CHEERS to words of a feather. Roget's Thesaurus was first published 156 years ago today. An event for which we should all be truly grateful; gratified; indebted; thankful; affording pleasure or comfort; fulfilled; appreciative; obliged; baked beans; tubthumped; rip my clothes off and have your way with me. Wow...the guy really knew his synonyms.
CHEERS to Hillary Clinton: cunning linguist? Last night I caught some footage of the New York senator giving a stump speech in North Carolina (for the record, I think she's campaigning more effectively than Obama at the moment), and I'll be damned if she wasn't affecting a southern "Naw-cah-LAH-nuh" drawl. It's a case of either shameless pandering...or savvy target-marketing. In any event, I can't wait to hear her go all Chamorro on Guam's ass. "åti adeng-mu, y'all!"
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
We interrupt this C&J for a special bulletin. We take you live to our reporter at the scene:
"Aiyyeeeeee!!! Colossal squeeeeeeed!!!!!"
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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JEERS to confusion on the home front. For about two years now I've been hearing the phrase, "If we don't [fill in the blank] in the next few months, our military is going to be broken!" And every time I hear it, a few months go by and our army continues to kick ass. So I have some questions: 1) How will we know when the military is actually broken? (A postcard? A very loud boom? Soldiers trudging in front of our house on crutches like in Gone With the Wind?) 2) Will foreign countries with massive armies know when our army is broken? 3) When our army breaks, is it possible that we may end up relying on those whacked-out militia groups in the northwest and Michigan's thumb to protect us from foreign invaders? 4) If so, isn't the existence of that possibility one of the most horrifying things you've ever heard in your life? 5) Even so, shouldn't we start giving them deep volume discounts on things like bazookas and landmines so they can start preparing to defend the homeland? 6) Shall I shut up now? 7) You've started beating me with a wooden spoon; shall I take that as a yes? 8) may I call 911 now?
CHEERS to losin' the Feith. Wonkette delivers the tragic news:
Former Defense Department torture-lover and the fucking stupidest person on the face of the earth, Douglas Feith, has lost his pwecious teaching position at the prestigious Catholic university, Georgetown. What a fucking loser! Everyone point at the pathetic fucking loser and laugh, ha ha, just like that! The best part of the story is this college reporter's opening sentence: "Douglas Feith (LAW '78) may not have devised an exit strategy for the U.S. occupation of Iraq, but according to the former Bush administration official, a group of Georgetown professors apparently had no trouble coming up with an exit strategy for him." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that Feith---what a Dingleberry McDingus!
We hear his wife had a stack of resumes in his hands within 30 seconds.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Out on DVD today: The Golden Compass, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and How She Move. Also something called 27 Dresses. A bio of J. Edgar Hoover, we presume.
JEERS to Nazi Nuptials. Adolf Hitler got hitched in der bunker 63 years ago today (as you can see, it was pretty exciting). And from the git-go Eva was like, "I'm bored." "How come you never invade countries for me anymore?" "You smell like curdled cheese." "My biological clock is ticking!" "Why does Frau Goebbels get an Iron Cross but not me?! You're schtupping her, aren't you!!" So the next day he shot himself. It just wasn't working out.
P.S. The old man is lonely. Go say heil (and don't forget to follow it with the traditional Thhhptt!!).
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One Year Ago in C&J: April 29, 2007...
CHEERS to the principle of overwhelming force. In response to David Broder's Thursday hit piece on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, all 50 members of the Senate Democratic Caucus have returned fire with their own middle finger salute. Dick Durbin promises to post pics of the Broder swirlie around noon.
JEERS to The Understatement of the Day. You might want to sit down for this. Former president George H.W. Bush surmises---and this is purely conjecture, mind you---that there "might be a little Bush fatigue now." In other news, scientists are now pretty sure water is moist.
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And just one more...
JEERS to reefer madness. It's no secret that things are going badly in Afghanistan. The recent assassination attempt on Hamid Karzai didn't exactly give anyone warm fuzzies, and up 'til now military analysts have been racking their brains to figure out a path to victory and stability. Something seems to be standing in the way. Not meaning to be a buttinski, but perhaps it has something to do with all the Afghan soldiers who fight the enemy while they're stoned. I guess that explains why the Taliban has been firing Hostess Twinkies from their mortars and Cheezy-Poofs from their AK-47s. Nothing easier to subdue than an enemy with the munchies.
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Oh, and happy birthday to master of his domain, Jerry Seinfeld...54 today. Go feed at the trough of funny. And then thank god that there won’t be a Bee Movie 2. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"But I do think I can speak for most of my fellow right-wingers when I say this: We once looked forward with unambivalent glee to the fall of the house of Bill in Portland Maine. Many of us still do."
---Bill Kristol
3/27/08
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