You probably didn't know there was a place called Oblivia. But there is. And it has a university, where we send our best and brightest to be turned into our worst and dumbest, then call them experts. If you want to be an expert - on politics, foreign affairs, and especially on Iraq - you must study diligently, and learn to be ... oblivious. Oblivious to real facts, real motives, and real outcomes.
More after the jump....
Bill Moyers aired on May 2 an interview with Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky, founders of the Institute of Expertology. Cerf and Navasky consider themselves rivals to the American Enterprise Institute, the bastion of expertise that assembles the very best minds the University of Oblivia can produce. And you pretty much have to be from the University of Oblivia to qualify as an expert nowadays.
That is, if you're going to be an expert - on politics, foreign affairs, and especially Iraq - you must study diligently and learn to be ... oblivious. Oblivious to real facts, real motives, and real outcomes.
That's not as easy as it sounds. Homo sapiens sapiens is actually hard-wired to acquire, assimilate, and act on information from the real world. You may have heard of that trait. It's often referred to as "intelligence." It's how we climbed down out of the trees without being hunted to extinction, a million or so years ago. That's a million-plus years of evolution that went into discerning fact from fantasy, so we'd know whether to run into the cave to hide from a hungry lion, or pop open another wineskin because that roar was just Grok farting.
It's hard to overturn a million-plus years of evolution. But as Cerf and Navasky demonstrate in their new book - Mission Accomplished! Or How We Won the War in Iraq: The Experts Speak - it can be done. Man did learn to fly, after all. So that whole "million-plus years of evolution" isn't a complete barrier to progress.
Now, I know many here at DKos would like to be experts, so that we too can appear on news programs, be quoted or even have our own columns in the New York Times and Washington Post, and the like. After all, you're probably thinking, if these dunderheads can still get on published or on the air, why not you?
Well, it's not quite as simple as that. There is still that "million-plus years of evolution" that constrains the thinking of ordinary folk.
For example, have you ever hit a patch of ice, lost control of your car, watched the world go wheeee for what seemed an eternity, until you finally came to a stop in a snowbank? Don't worry, I'm not your auto insurance agent; it's okay to admit it. I thought so, and thanks for your honesty.
So while we're on the honesty thing, wasn't your heart thudding when you finally came to rest? Weren't you thrilled that you hadn't actually been injured, because that meant you wouldn't have to go to a hospital and mom wouldn't find out that your undies weren't still clean? C'mon, we're all friends. No one's going to laugh at you. We've been there too. Yeah, I thought so.
And the next time you came to that spot on the road, especially if it was still wintertime, didn't you feel your hands tense up and your heart beat just a bit faster, as past merged with present and a distant corner of your brain whispered: "Uh oh, this is where I screwed up last time?" Oh, don't back out now. In for a penny, in for a pound, as they say. C'mon, hands up. Yeah, I thought so.
Well, my dear friend, that is why you will never be an expert, or at least not until you complete your course of study at the University of Oblivia. Because an expert would never admit that his car went into a snowbank, never admit that his heart was pounding, that he soiled his undies ... and an expert would never approach the same spot in the road thinking: "Uh oh, this is where I screwed up last time."
What's more, an expert would tell you with complete confidence that anyone who says otherwise is "a complete idiot," "couldn't find stretch marks on Rosie O'Donnell," and "has lost touch with reality."
That's what a course of study at the University of Oblivia does for you.
So, how can you become an expert? Well, I called the U-of-O and asked for a course guide. It's quite revealing, actually. Here are some of the highlights:
Fingers in Ears 101 - Avoiding bad outcomes.
Just Shut Up 210 - Advanced rhetoric. (Bill O'Reilly, guest lecturer.)
Who, Me? 335 - Moral responsibility in the modern age.
Bull Science 510 - Graduate course on the scientific method, with readings from Pat Robertson, Bill Hagee, and a historical survey of leading scientific thinkers like Torquemanda.
These are just a few of the courses you'll need to master before you're ready to abandon reality for oblivion, ignore the mashed fender and the soggy load in your undies, and proudly announce that No You Did Not Ever Spin Off The Road.
For more information, a course guideline, and financial aid information, write to:
The University of Oblivia, Expert Academy
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.