These are interesting times, to say the least, and to overcome the rancorous divide that characterizes partisan interactions today, we need new and bold solutions.
The common wisdom, though hardly conventional, is that the Iraq war is draining our coffers and sucking us dry. The Congressional Budget Office predicts total expenditures to top $500 billion, while a couple of eggheads at the Kennedy School of Government and Columbia University predict something over $2 trillion. That's a huge wad to blow in some foreign land with no promise of investing in our own economy, and with recession imminent, many Americans want our government to reassess its priorities.
Slowly but surely, the government is coming around. Tonight, the most anti-war candidate (in the running) is on the verge of cinching the Democratic presidential nomination, going into the general election strong, albeit bruised. The Democratically-controlled Congress, though lumbering and lethargic, has begun to move toward economic stimulus, with the greatest disagreement over how much to give and who is deserving. Partisanship and traditional reluctance to do anything worthwhile aside, we may actually see some results.
Sadly, and despite the hopeful signs of a turnaround to come, progress is too slow. We require radical new economic solutions, ones that not only will work, but are so attractive that they can overcome the rancorous partisan divide that all Americans lament.
Might I suggest: hookers and beer?
Some of my readers might be disgusted by that suggestion, but I assure both them and you, the open-minded policy wonk, that my sole aim is to help America find its way out of its economic doldrums. Before my detractors convince you that I advocate something sinister, such as eating babies, please let me explain myself.
I suggest, rather than the "emergency" spending that supplements the already outrageous outlay for the U.S. defense budget, we instead use the monies to buy, rent, hire, or employ alcoholic beverages and prostitutes for government employees. The reasons why this would be beneficial for the American economy follow below.
Let's skip the strongest and most self-evident point that US taxpayer dollars would remain in the US. We're all in the choir here on that point. Instead, let me address the favorite whipping boy of the uniters: bipartisanship.
Prostitutes, by and large, are disadvantaged women in a vulnerable position. Democrats will typically aid such folks in need, using government to secure them aid and comfort. Republicans, disproportionate to the general populace, are often sexually rapacious and easily manipulated. This alone ensures a swift passage of any such bill which guarantees hookers, though our Senators may quibble over how many diamonds an escort cannot exceed to be eligible for a government contract.
How on earth does this help prostitutes? Simply read the last sentence of the preceding paragraph. That's right: they all become government contractors. Besides putting ridiculous sums of money in the pockets of America's neediest individuals, the lax oversight that the government has displayed in Iraq means that not a single woman will be forced to actually perform the services she has been paid for. Talk about being lifted out of poverty!
Beer, on the other hand, is good for American farmers. By creating an even bigger market for the ingredients of beer, such as barley, hops, and yeast (which I believe is some sort of lungfish), these crops become more attractive than corn in an energy-hungry world. As oil supplies grow thin, and Americans use their cars less and less, we will require the starches and sugars to maintain America's symbols of wealth and prestige in the eyes of the world: our prodigious girth. Failing that, the energy would also be useful for long walks or feeding the horses that draw our carts. Building and maintaining a strong livestock-based transportation infrastructure would provide valuable jobs in the Heartland.
And if beer fails to aid the economy, we can still drink it to drown our sorrows.
Candidates and incumbents, please take note. America needs a new vision, not hemming and hawing over how many troops to leave in Iraq as the fifty stars of our flag fade and set. With bold new initiatives like hookers and beer for all, we can make America a power to last into the next century.
(PS: the soaring birthrates from drunken fornication with prostitutes could ensure that Social Security remains solvent through most of our lives. Just one more benefit.)
(Buzzkill preemptive disclaimer: by no means is any of this meant to demean or diminish prostitutes who are coerced in any way, nor sex workers striving for legitimacy. If I offend, well, that's what revisions are for...)