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(This fake news story is reposted from

Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne sought to answer critics of expanded drilling in Arctic wilderness areas by announcing a new oil revenue profit-sharing plan. The plan, to go into effect May 21, mandates that 1.5 percent of all proceeds from Alaska North Shore oil sales be deposited into an account under the name, "polar bears."

"This plan gives the bears a financial stake in the further exploitation of their habitat," Mr. Kempthorne said in a statement released today. "We get to plunder the environment for oil and they get a steady flow of cash. It's a win-win situation."

Although just last week polar bears were put under the protection of the Endangered Species Act, Secretary Kempthorne said that the act does not prevent further development of the bears' habitat. In fact, his department recently opened up 30 million acres of Arctic wilderness for exploratory drilling.

"There are some who say the only way to save polar bears is by stopping global climate change, including the burning of fossil fuels like oil," the secretary's statement concluded. "These elitists want to force their environmental do-goodism on the bears and dictate how their habitat should be used. Our plan lets the bears decide. For example, they could use the profits to move to a colder climate or buy air conditioners. The money is theirs to do with as they want. All they have to do to collect is go to the nearest bank and show some form of government-issued ID."

Originally posted to Richieville on Thu May 22, 2008 at 06:29 AM PDT.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Maybe they (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    snackdoodle, Richieville

    can use their rebates to buy a boat so they wont have any ice left.

    (-6.50,-6.00)If we settle for nothing now, we'll settle for nothing later. - RATM

    by clew74 on Thu May 22, 2008 at 06:31:23 AM PDT

  •  The Big ANWR Lie (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Listening to Bill Press this morning I almost tore the aerial off my XM Radio!

    What makes anyone think that oil from ANWR will go to the United States? In fact, it almost certainly will not. Right now it's BP (multinational co) drilling and spilling right next to ANWR. Do you think they reserve the oil for us? of course not. It is speculated and traded.

    Ten years from now, when the first ANWR oil would become available, the dollar will be so useless that virtually NONE of that oil will be affordable by Americans. Of course, there's also the fact that we will owe trillions to the Chinese and Japanese. I've heard from very high up EXXON officials that there is no way in $%^& that they would allow contracts that demanded to pre-determine where the oil would be sold. And of course, the fact that we haven't built refineries in this country in decades is very telling. The oil companies know we won't be able to afford the oil, so why refine it here and then ship it to the countries that can afford it?

    But Americans are stupid in their vestigial national pride, believing that they will have some economic influence in the Post-Bush world.

    P.S. The only governmental unit in the United States that has moved to drill its own oil for refining and sale within its own boundaries is North Dakota. Yeah!

  •  Focus Groups... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Needed: A a good PR company to run the focus groups on what the Polar Bares are to spend...

    We need clarity, We need to polar bares to get their teeth into their needs...

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