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Several days ago, the media picked up Scotty McClellan's new tell-all tell-some memoir and began reporting that Scotty was done rolling over FOR Bush, and was starting to roll over ON Bush.  Of course, these news reports looked something like this:

As a result, activity has increased significantly at The Karateexlosions Fortress Compound of Doom™.  This comes as no surprise to the literally tens of fans of THE SCOTTY SHOW!  But difficult as it is to believe, there are people out there who have gone their whole lives without soaking in the majesty of a SCOTTY SHOW!

When Scotty's new book comes out, THE SCOTTY SHOW! will emerge from its retirement as a new mini-series that will pit our hero, Scotty, against his most brilliant and cunning foe -- himself.  Watch for it in mid-June.  

But until then, it seems only right that those deprived masses who never got to experience THE SCOTTY SHOW finally have that opportunity.  So I bring to you now, a very special SCOTTY SHOW clip show.

Here's how it works.  We take a look at press conferences given by Scott McClellan.  Reporters ask him questions, which we italicize for your pleasure.  Scotty then answers with bullshit, which we make thick and bold, like in real life.  I then provide my own comments, which are in plain text.  I'm sure that signifies something profound, as well.



At a time when the President talks about trying to build institutions, free institutions in Iraq, does even the level of reporting on this [planted stories in Iraqi media] so far undercut that message?

Well, the United States is a leader when it comes to promoting and advocating a free and independent media around the world, and we will continue to do so. We've made our views very clear when it comes to freedom of press. And in terms of this specific issue, again, what we want to do is find out what the facts are, and then we'll be able to talk about it more at that point. But we are very concerned about the reports.

We've made our views very clear about freedom of the press.  We hate it.  That's why we block access to the press, withhold documents from the press, pay reporters to pimp our programs, script press conferences and all that other shit we do.  Hell, everybody, look at Helen Thomas.  She's Queen Free Speech, and I treat her like a urinal, for Christ's Sake.  And since we're bringing our American values to Iraq... it only seems right that their whore press looks like our whore press.



But this administration also has a history of having some questions made about paying columnists and having packaged news made available.

I think the President made very clear what his views were on those issues, and some of the practices that had occurred were stopped, and steps were taken to prevent that from happening again.

To demonstrate our position, I bet $10.00 that nobody dares to question me on my use of the word "some" in that last answer.



Well, would his views be similar on this particular issue?

I've expressed our views on this issue at this point.

Point proven.



Is this the first time the President would have received a [jury duty] summons since becoming President?

No, I don't -- oh, since becoming President.

Because there was that one time that he was summoned for jury duty on a DUI case, even though he had a hush-hush 1976 DUI conviction of his own.  So Alberto Gonzales got him out of jury duty.  But that happened in 1996, before he was president... so....  uh, yeah, the first jury duty summon since becoming president.



Can I ask, when the President came to the Rose Garden this morning, about 10:45 a.m., at that hour did the White House already know about this attack on the Marines in Fallujah?

Yes, we did. The President was informed about the loss of the Marines last night, and those that were injured, and then he was briefed again this morning. We are saddened by the loss of life, whether it's one soldier who loses his or her life, or 10 or 11. We are saddened to hear that news. Our heart and prayers go out to the families. Their loved ones paid the ultimate sacrifice for an important cause, and we are forever grateful for their service and sacrifice.

Those brave Marines died because Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11.  Wait, I'm sorry... they died trying to find the weapons of mass destruction, so there wouldn't be a mushroom cloud over New York City.  I mean, because they were liberating the people of Iraq.  I mean, to bring democracy to that countr -- oh, fuck it.  Ladies and Gentlemen... Oil.



Secretary Rice is going to Europe next week, and one of the places she's going is Romania, where it's alleged that the CIA maintains a secret detention center. Do you think that these -- that it undermines the U.S. campaign for human rights and the advance of democracy, when the United States has these secret prisons where it's alleged that people are treated harshly or even severely?

Well, you're talking about allegations of so-called secret prisons, and I'm not going to get into talk about national security matters.

We torture the fuck out of people.  I mean, we allegedly torture the so-called fuck out of people.

But what I will talk about is the war on terrorism that we're engaged in.

I will answer a question that you didn't ask.

We're sitting here talking about the war on terrorism.

Well, at least I'M talking about the alleged so-called war on terror.  I think you were talking about some CIA secret prison bullshit I didn't want to get into.

We remain a nation at war.

Boogety boogety!

And the President's highest responsibility is the safety and security of the American people. And he is going to continue to act in a way to better protect the American people, but he's going to do so consistent with our laws and our values and our international obligations.

Ha ha, I'm just kidding... we torture people.  In total contravention of our alleged laws and values and our so-called international obligations.

We made that very clear. And Secretary Rice has indicated that she will be responding to the letter from Foreign Secretary Straw in due course.

Dear Secretary Straw, Fuck you!  We're the United States, bitches!  Love, Condi.

We are glad to talk about these issues. There are sometimes difficult issues you have to address when it comes to a war like this, because we face a different kind of enemy, an enemy that abides by no laws, that abides by no treaties, and an enemy that wears no uniform, and an enemy that seeks to kill innocent men, women and children throughout the civilized world.

And that enemy's name... is George W. Bush.

We're all engaged in the global war on terrorism. We all have a responsibility to take the fight to the terrorists and defeat them and prevent attacks from happening. All of us in elected office have a responsibility to do everything we can to protect our people.

And running clandestine prison camp facilities where people are tortured is not Hilteresque so stop saying that.

But we also have a responsibility to respect the laws and the values and the treaty obligations that we have agreed to.

And to that we say, "Fuck responsibility."



Now that 1,000 convicts have been executed since the Supreme Court restored the death penalty, what is the President's view on capital punishment?

The President strongly supports the death penalty, because he believes, ultimately, it helps save innocent lives. When it's administered fairly and swiftly and surely, it serves as a deterrent and it saves innocent lives. And that's why the President has been a strong supporter of it.

Now, we've also proposed a DNA initiative. The President proposed that and we're moving forward on it to provide funding to make sure that innocent people are protected and to make sure that we can identify victims. And so that's important to keep in mind, as well.

Oh, please, are you fucking kidding me?  The president LOVES the shit out of executions.  It's one of the only things he stays up past his bedtime for.  They pipe those execution feeds to him via closed circuit so that he can watch.  He does this little "Mystery Science Theater" routine where he pretends to be the condemned person and says stuff like, "Is that my flu shot?" or "This is a comfortable chair" or whatever, based on the type of execution.  Then he just laughs and laughs.  Fuck, the president wishes MORE people could be executed.  Jesus, why the fuck do you think we have secret CIA prisons?  Storytime for the prisoners?  NO!  Random executions, bitches!



Scott, the President said something very poignant in the Brian Williams interview, that he doesn't care what people call him, but don't call him a racist. Is he concerned, still three months after the Katrina relief effort, that there are still some African Americans who may feel that -- the same way as Kanye West, and in these next three years, what can the President do to help turn that feeling around?

Well, what we can continue to do is work with state and local officials and the people in the region to help rebuild New Orleans, and help rebuild the Gulf Coast region and Mississippi and Alabama. There's a large area that was affected by the hurricanes, and the President has talked about this before.

I think what was exposed by the hurricanes was the deep roots of injustice and inequality that have existed. And that's why the President has been acting to address those -- the root causes of that inequality and injustice. And we will continue acting on the policies that we have been pursuing, whether it be the education reforms we have put in place, or reaching out to faith-based and community organizations, or helping lift people out of poverty by moving forward on pro-growth policies. The President has been acting to help people improve their quality of life. And, yes, the question came up yesterday, and I think that there were some that expressed some views that did concern the President. And that's why the President responded the way that he did.

The president is not a racist.  The president is a classist, and he resents it when people fail to make this distinction.  The fact that the president hates most black and brown people has nothing to do with the fact that they are black or brown, but instead has to do with the fact that many black or brown people are poor.  

For the president, there is nothing worse or more inexcusable than being poor.  Why, he wonders, should FEMA pick people up off of overpasses and the roofs of their houses when they don't even care enough to have lots of money?  Surely if he could get rich, anyone could.  He was very disadvantaged... a mentally retarded, illiterate, drug- and alcohol-addled sociopath.  But he made it by pulling himself up with nothing more than a C-minus grade point average and the fact that his family had lots of money and his father was a rich CIA director, Vice President, and President of the United States.  



But, lastly, and still back on the question I'm trying to get an answer to, is the President still concerned that there is a pocket of African Americans beyond the people who live in Louisiana that feel that -- that still, I guess, feel what Kanye West has said?

Well, I'm not sure exactly what he said. I don't recall exactly what he said. All I can tell you is what the President is doing --

"The President does not care about black people" --

Oh, okay, that is just outrageous. And I think the President expressed that yesterday in the interview with Brian Williams. It's outrageous to make such a suggestion like that. And it's based on an ill-informed -- it's ill-informed and misguided comments. The President has acted to help people from all walks of life. And all you have to do is look at his record. The President has acted to make sure everybody has the opportunity to learn and succeed through the No Child Left Behind Act. These are historic education reforms. And that's the best way we can help to address these injustices and inequalities that exist.

It is really, really outrageous to suggest that!  Look at Condoleezza Rice!  The president cares about Condoleezza Rice!  And -- Well, and then there's Colin Powell... although the president doesn't care about him... so...  Okay, scratch that.  Well, like I said, there's Condoleezza Rice.  And um, well, I'm sure there are others I could name if I just had some more time!  So it is outrageous to suggest that.  



Since Iran's President Ahmadinejads says that Israel should be moved to Europe, and a U.N. ceremony in New York included a map of, "Palestine in place of Israel," does the President believe that we should support eliminating Iran as a sovereign state, and returning that land to its legal owners, the Mongols?

What the President believes is that the international community needs to continue to address the concerns we have highlighted about Iran, particularly when it comes to nuclear weapons. We have a number of concerns about the regime in Iran, and the President of Iran's comments only further underscore the concerns that we have, particularly when it comes to their pursuit of nuclear weapons. We must continue to stand firm in the international community and prevent Iran from being able to develop nuclear weapons. That's why we're so supportive of the Europeans' efforts to resolve this matter, and that's why you see more and more in the international community expressing their concerns about Iran's behavior and about their statements that have been made by the president.

Yeah, Les.  There's a shitload of Mongols demanding their homeland of Iran back.  But you'll have to start addressing those questions to the new press secretary, Lies Like Buffalo, after the successful transfer of power to our new president, Dancing Antelope.



Scott, I understand I'm addressing the lesser McClellan on this particular issue and I'll try anyway. This morning in Springfield, the President acknowledged that the Medicare Part B sign-up process is daunting for some. In retrospect, did it have to be this way? And what are the advantages people will realize of a system that is proving so daunting for people to sign up for?

Well, I think that the head of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid has talked about the process that has been put in place, and there is a very easy way for senators to go and learn -- for seniors to go and learn more about the prescription drug benefits that are available, and the other modern medicine that is available to them under this benefit. They can go to the Medicare website, Medicare.gov, they can call 1-800-Medicare, and learn more about the options that are available to them now -- options that they didn't have previously.

[... long spiel filled with Medicare talking points.]

We understand that it may be difficult and extremely confusing for seniors to understand the sign-up process.  Luckily, your 86-year-old grandfather can learn more simply by getting out his 3.2 GHz Pentium "M" laptop with high-speed wireless connection through his cable broadband router, going to www.medicare.gov/help/confusing/seniors/%1663092005/signup/medicareplanb/ and then locating "Medicare Plan B, Subsection 43", then clicking on the link in that paragraph while holding down the CTRL, Shift, and Home keys, then typing in any 23-digit PIN that will be easy for them to remember, then going to the menu bar and selecting "Tools", the "Medicare", then "Seniors", then "Plan B", then "Sign Up", then right-clicking on "Process", then pressing the F9 key, then typing the PIN that they selected earlier.  Finally, they must fill out the on-screen form three times, print it out, take it to a notary public, get it notarized, and mail it to our PO Box using -- this is important -- a first class stamp.  We will let them know within 16 weeks if it was done correctly, and if not, they can repeat the process.  This is simple shit, folks.



Was there no way to accomplish this without winding up with a process that is proving so daunting to so many?

Well, we're making it easier for seniors to be able to understand what is available to them. And I think the point the President was making is that he understands that these are new options and choices that are available to America's seniors, and what we want to do is talk to them about what is available to help them make an informed decision. And I think seniors are trying to go about making an informed decision. And what they're going to realize is better benefits and significant savings.

Sure, there were ways to do it, but I think the American people understand that confusing old people was more fun.



And what's the best plan for my mother in particular? Can you save me some time here? (Laughter.)

I'm not the expert on that.

But we expect her to become one.



Scott, do you have a reaction to the non-partisan Congressional Research Service's study that rejects the President's frequent assertions that the Congress had access to the same intelligence -- pre-war intelligence that he had? Apparently in this report it says Congress was routinely denied access to intelligence sources, collection, analysis methods, raw, lightly-evaluated intelligence, PDBs.

We provide the Congress a lot of intelligence information, and they did have access to the same intelligence that we saw prior to making the decision to go into Iraq. And some have chosen to play politics with that now, people that had previously supported the efforts to go in there, and saw the same intelligence, the intelligence that other agencies around the world used. And I saw there was a reference to the Presidential Daily Brief, where the Silberman-Robb Commission already addressed that issue, and said that if anything, the Presidential Daily Brief was less nuanced than the intelligence that members of Congress saw and that we saw, as well.

We all saw the same exact information.  Fucking Congress is a bunch of liars, I'll tell you that.  See, let me give you an example.  A report would come in from intelligence and would land on the President's desk.  It would look like this:

We felt it was important for Congress to see this important information, so we rushed it over to them.  As you can see, they received THE EXACT SAME report, so those fucking liars need to just shut the hell up right now.





Speaking about the economy, early surveys show that the retail spending is up, but not as much as analysts hoped it would be. How does that fit in with the administration's feeling that the economy is growing strong?

Obviously, the reports are still coming in. The retail sales, at least we know appear to be up, projections are.

Talk like Yoda, I do.  Downplaying economic data that do not fit our agenda, we are.



The President's speech today at the Pentagon as far as terrorism and fighting terrorism is concerned, do you think that Osama bin Laden is still in -- is running the al Qaeda business?

I'm sorry, who?

I'm sorry, who?

Osama bin who?

Should I know this name for some reason?



One of the relatives of the miners who were killed were saying this morning that President Bush has sent letters to the CEO of the mining company. Do you know if this is the case? And if it is, would you be able to find out for us what was in the letter?

That's the first I've heard of that. I'll be glad to take a look at it.

EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT THAT LETTER:  SEE IT ONLY AT THE SCOTTY SHOW!

ED NOTE:  This is the first appearance of the now totally out-of-control Kitty Picture.



Does the President think that 120 people dying [in one day] in Iraq, after we're nearly three years into this war, is tolerable?

The Iraqi people, Helen, have shown time and time again that they want to live in freedom. I think it's important to look at what took place in December. There are terrorists and Saddam loyalists --

And this war is helping ordinary Iraqis live in freedom.

As long as you don't define "live", say, the way the dictionary does:

live (lĭv)
v. intr., lived, liv*ing, lives.

    To be alive; exist.
    To continue to be alive.




Scott, is it possible to, nevertheless, keep [Ariel] Sharon in our thoughts and prayers but comment on the peace process and its future at the same time? Can't those things happen simultaneously?

Well, I think I did make a general statement about the commitment to peace in the Middle East.

We took a bold, courageous, and principled stand when we said, "We are committed to peace in the Middle East."  Now, we know that our groundbreaking position in favor of peace might be a bit controversial, but we felt we should take that political risk.



But in a more specific way, in terms of if he is incapacitated and what his incapacitation would mean?

Yes, I'm not -- I don't think it's appropriate to get into those discussions at this time. What's important is to keep Prime Minister Sharon in our thoughts and prayers right now.

It means that we're all about to get Raptured.  Right..... NOW!  Um... NOW!  .... (long pause)... NOW!



Scott, some of what you're saying [concerning Iran] sounds an awful lot like the preamble to Iraq.

No.

I SAID WAR!  
Huh!  
Good God, y'all!
Who is it good for?

Say it again.



Scott, a few days ago, conservative columnist Paul Craig Roberts had a column where he compared the administration's use of September 11th with Hitler and the Reichstag fire as a blanket cover for extraordinary measures. Now, this is coming from a conservative columnist; this is not Nancy Pelosi. Doesn't this concern you that these kind of reactions have come up especially with all the revelations about the NSA and spying?

I haven't seen his column -- I haven't seen his column. But what -- your characterization I would reject wholeheartedly.

That is an outrageous claim!  Outrageous!  Completely beyond the pale.

Look for yourself at how wrong that comparison is:





There are reports now that the Iranians are training Iraqi Shiite militants in Iran and then shipping them back to Iraq to create violence. What does the administration --

I saw a report earlier today. I'm not in a position to verify the authenticity of those reports, but I think when you read those reports, it only further underscores our concerns about the regime in Iran. The regime in Iran continues to move in the wrong direction of the rest of the Middle East. We've made it very clear that countries like Iran and Syria need to play a positive role when it comes to Iraq and they need to change their behavior, and they should not be interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq.

Well, at least SOMEONE is training Iraqi troops.



Do you know of any other time in American history when a President has supported for reelection to his former governorship of a man who is running against his Press Secretary's mother -- (laughter) -- and does he expect you to go with him to Texas when he campaigns for Governor Rick Perry against your mother? (Laughter.)

I always enjoy spending time in Texas with the President -- and my mother. (Laughter.)

There are many benefits to being the president's press secretary as he helps someone campaign against my mother.  For example, if I say that "Carole Keeton Strayhorn does not represent the values of Texas", she can't just say, "OH YEAH!?  Well, your MOTHER!" like other people do.  Also, unlike most supporters of campaigns we run against, hers can't call me a "son of a bitch".  



Is the U.S. taking military action off the table? Is the U.S. taking unilateral military action against --

Well, I think the President has made it pretty clear, he said previously Iran is not Iraq.

I know that might not seem like a lot to you, but it was a major coup for us to finally convince him of that.  It was a difficult concept for him to understand, as you can see from the below training document.





My questions is, in the first place -- I gather you can go on to the next question. Will the President abide by the ban on torture of prisoners of war that is very specified in the military spending bill? I mean, his signing statement does not seem to go along with that.

Actually, I think you ought to look at the op-ed that was issued by Robert McCallum over at the Department of Justice yesterday -- it was in USA Today -- and he walked through this. I mean, the signing statement is consistent --

Yeah, it's totally consistent.  Look:





The ACLU and its fellow litigants want the NSA program stopped. To date, has the White House received any demand or request from a Democratic congressional leader, member of the Judicial Committee or Intelligence Committee asking that the program be stopped? And, if not, why not?

Well, I've seen some press releases; I don't know if we've heard directly along those lines, I'd have to check on individual conversations, Carl. But what I can tell you is what we have already said. This is a limited program. It is carefully reviewed approximately every 45 days. There are strict guidelines in place for going about implementing this authorization, that are thoroughly reviewed by top legal officials at the Department of Justice, at the National Security Agency. The Inspector General at the National Security Agency is involved in the oversight of this authorization as well.

And so there are strict guidelines in place, it's carefully reviewed and the President believes very strongly that we have an obligation to do all that we can to protect the American people, but we also must do so in a way that protects people's civil liberties. And we can do both. And that's what he's committed to doing.

Look Carl, here's the deal.  I won't answer your question.  But I can tell you what we've already said by reciting the talking points.  They did not program these fuckers into my neural net for nothing.





[I]f Karl Rove, who has ties to Ralph Reed, which he does, we want to know if he has ties to Jack Abramoff, and if they met --

Well, I can answer that.  No, I mean, about if he knows -- yes, he knows -- he knows Mr. Abramoff. They are both former heads of the College Republicans. That's how they got to know each other way back, I think it was in the early '80s. And my understanding is that Karl would describe it as more of a casual relationship, than a business relationship. That's what he has said.

But if you've got specific matters that I need to look into, it's my point that I think it's your obligation to bring that to my attention and I'll be glad to take a look into it.

Did that answer your question?  Was your question about whether Karl Rove knew Jack Abramoff over twenty years ago?  It wasn't?  Well, if you have anything more specific... please let me know so that I have an idea of which documents to shred.



I don't think it's our obligation to do anything. If we want to know whether there was pending business that Abramoff represented to members of the staff here at the White House, what do we need --

There's been no suggestion of anything like that out of this White House.

No, I agree with you totally.  In fact, my job has been made infinitely less complicated by the fact that the press does not think it's their obligation to do anything.  





Okay, let me ask you this -- is the President concerned that the Vice President made decisions about the public disclosure of this [shooting an old man in the face] incident that are clearly at odds with how you and others advising the President disclose personal information about the President's activities?

Let me just say this, since there's some follow-up questions that you all have. First of all, I think we went through this pretty thoroughly yesterday and I worked to answer the questions to the best of my ability and in a forthright manner, based on the facts that I knew. There were some very legitimate questions that were asked. As I indicated, I always believe that you can look back and work to do better. I indicated that yesterday. I think today what we're focusing our efforts is on what are the most pressing priorities before the American people. And that's where we're focusing. I understand you still have some --

I always believe that you can look back and work to do better.  Now, we have identified some failings in the way that Dick Cheney shot an old guy in the head this past weekend.  But we are constantly attempting to learn and improve from these mistakes.  And let me tell you forcefully and with the full authority of the Press Secretary's podium: the next time Dick Cheney shoots an old man in the head, he will work to do better.  



[...] I'm not getting answers here, Scott, and I'm trying to be forthright with you, but don't tell me that you're giving us complete answers when you're not actually answering the question, because everybody knows what is an answer and what is not an answer.

David, now you want to make this about you, and it's not about you, it's about what happened. And that's what I'm trying to --

David, if it were true that everybody knows what is an answer and what is not an answer, I wouldn't get a paycheck every week.  



Is the President satisfied that he learned of the details about the shooting through Karl Rove and Andy Card, and not directly from the Vice President?

He was informed about it, and there are lots of different ways to keep the President informed about events, and that was the way it happened in this instance.

Dick Cheney made it up to the president by writing the following note, written in Whittington's blood:





There are Canadian news reports that the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal has contended that one of the sexual orientations is sadomasochism, while in Ottawa, the Justice Department has called for the legalizing of polygamy. And my question: Does the President recognize these developments as logical progression from the current demand for same-sex marriage by the sodomy lobby?

Well, direct your questions to Canada.

Ladies and gentlemen, Les Kinsolving!  The one member of the press corps that we can be absolutely certain, when everyone else is asking about the Vice President shooting an old man in the face, will ask a question about the "sodomy lobby".



Has the President directed -- given any direction to the Vice President's Office about how things like this should be handled in the future?

I just told you that you can always look at these issues and find a way to do a better job in the future. I'm not going to get into private conversations between the President and Vice President.

Yes.





[W]hat has been the reaction [to Bush's comments troops will still be in Iraq in the next president's term]? The headline was that we were going to stay there well into another presidency, possibly.

I don't write the headlines, and I think it's wrong for any --

But oh, a boy can dream...





[Regarding revelations that Bush was planning on invading Iraq even as he was publicly denying the same:]  Well, comments made about the inevitability of war, the President's feeling about that at one --

Well, the President was making numerous public comments at the time, David. You covered those comments. The use of force was a last option, but we recognized that it was necessary --

Well, David, first off I'm going to say your name.  David.  That is my way of holding you liberal members of the media accountable for your highly biased questions against this administration.  David.  

Now, on to the "guts" of your question, if I can coin a term.  Invading Iraq was a last option.  As you can plainly see from the following declassified document.

We keep telling you, invading Iraq was our last option, but we had no other option but to invade them.  What the fuck did you THINK we meant by that?



Scott, does Josh Bolten have the authority, or will he have the authority, to make other personnel changes if he deems it necessary?

Sure, he'll have all the authority he needs to -- as Chief of Staff -- to make the decisions that he feels best, working with the President. Josh Bolten is someone who brings a lot of broad experience to the position. The President felt he was the best one to succeed Andy Card. Andy has done a great job. As the President talked about earlier, he has the highest admiration and respect for Andy, and appreciates the great job that he has done through some very historic and challenging times. We have accomplished much over the last five-and-a-half years. And now the President has tapped Josh Bolten to come into this position. Andy is not leaving until April 14th, so there will be a smooth transition period. Josh is certainly someone who knows the President well, knows his priorities, knows his philosophy. And the President looks forward to working with him in his new position as Chief of Staff.

But, I mean, I think that all of us here serve at the pleasure of the President. And that's important to keep in mind. But the President will look to Josh for his advice and counsel on management and staffing issues throughout the administration. But I think it's premature to try to speculate about what, if any, decisions might come.

Well, let's put it this way.  My resume is on the fax machine autodialer as we speak.



So you thought that this former CIA analyst who challenged Rumsfeld was trying to rewrite history, is that what you're saying?

I'm saying that people can express their views, but what I was talking about is, let's step back and look at history, and look at what the facts were, and look at what people knew at the time, and to also put it in the context of the post-September 11th world that we live in.

Good idea!  Let's step back and look at history!

March 30, 2003:  "The area in the south and the west and the north that coalition forces control is substantial. It happens not to be the area where weapons of mass destruction were dispersed. We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."  

   -- Donald Rumsfeld

September 10, 2003:  "I said, 'We know they're in that area.'  I should have said, 'I believe we're in that area. Our intelligence tells us they're in that area,' and that was our best judgment."

   -- Donald Rumsfeld

May 4, 2006:  "I did not [say I knew where the WMD were]. I said I knew where suspect sites were."

   -- Donald Rumsfeld




But, Scott, that's what he was trying to do, the CIA analyst. Why was a CIA analyst trying to rewrite history? He was just reading quotes.

Those are your words. I'm saying that people can express themselves.

Don Rumsfeld is trying to rewrite history from 2003.  Scott McClellan's rewriting history from a minute and a half ago.



Okay, who was trying to rewrite history? That was what the question --

But I've seen coverage of this, and -- well, my point is that let's go back and look at history. Let's go back and look at the facts and look at where we are today in Iraq, as well.

Like this?

February 20, 2003:  "There is no question but that they would be welcomed.  Go back to Afghanistan. The people were in the streets playing music, cheering, flying kites, and doing all the things that the Taliban and the al-Qaeda would not let them do.  Saddam Hussein has one of the most vicious regimes on the face of the Earth. And the people know that."

September 25, 2003:  Upon being asked about his claims that Iraqis would welcome US troops with open arms:  "Never said that.  Never did. You may remember it well, but you're thinking of somebody else. You can't find anywhere me saying anything like either of those two things you just said I said. I may look like somebody else."




Scott, can I ask you about the economy? You've clearly got good economic data over a period of time -- you mentioned consumer confidence -- and yet there's this disconnect.

Can I -- one thing I forgot to mention at the top -- and I know this will stir some interest, but the President -- I do need to back up, it just popped back in my head and I apologize for not mentioning it at the top -- at 1:45 p.m., the President does have a pool coverage announcement. That will be in the Oval Office, so the pool will need to assemble after this briefing. And I'm not able to go further than that at this point. That's an announcement that will be made with the President.

All I can say is that it's not hooker-related.

You can't go further -- can you just tell us what it's about?

No.

I'll tell you one thing -- it definitely has nothing to do with Porter Goss being face-deep in hookers.  That's for sure.  

Scott, is it personnel -- is it personnel-related?

It's a personnel-related matter.

And I cannot stress this enough -- it has nothing to do with sweet, sweet hooker ass so don't even mention that in your coverage, okay?  And did I mention that Pat Kennedy jumped a curb and busted his headlight?  Pretty scandalous stuff, right there.

Connected to what David -- when David said economy?

No.

Just a little word association.

ECONOMY = MONEY = SEX = HOOKERS = PORTER GOSS

Don't want to put you on the couch.

No.

No, Scotty's more of the kind of guy who prefers if you put him on, say, the kitchen table.  Or if he's really feeling crazy, the elevator floor in a parking deck on an early Sunday morning.  

...

Hey, cool, the Bullshit Detector actually just threw up a little bit.



[H]ow important does the President feel about peace in Darfur as a legacy item for him? How personally connected is he to this?

Well, he's looking at it from the standpoint of the human condition. This President cares passionately about the human condition around the world. We care passionately about the plight of the people in North Korea; we care passionately about those who are suffering in Darfur. As I mentioned, there are rapes of women that continue; there is random violence; there is great suffering that has been going on in Darfur.

So the President is looking at it from the standpoint of, we all have an obligation to help when there is suffering on this scale. We are the one country that has come out and said genocide has been going on in Darfur. The President has made this a high priority and we were able to move forward on an agreement between the north and south in Sudan. That was an important first step. Now we need to continue to urge the parties to come to this agreement on the Darfur region.

So the President is looking at it from the standpoint of getting peace in that region and helping to alleviate the great suffering that's going on and improve the lives for the people there -- and to save lives there, as well.

All we can really know for sure is that it ranks somewhere below catching a fish in a fake pond at his fake ranch.



Thank you, thank you. The D.C. delegate wants the Congress to give the Mayor of Washington the authority to call up the National Guard if needed. Right now, only the President can do that for the District of Columbia. Will the President go along with the request?

It's not an issue that he and I have discussed, but I think we have expressed our views when it comes to D.C. and its relationship with the federal government previously.

See, you almost expect me to block any attempt to get a straight answer when you're talking about the Iraq War or Valerie Plame or NSA Wiretaps... but I'm not just any White House Spokesman.  

I'm Scotty McClellan -- MAXIMUM SPOKESMAN!

I don't even give straight answers to fairly innocuous questions.  Watch this:

PRESS CORPS:  What did you have for lunch today?
SCOTTY:  I have addressed this question previously.

PRESS CORPS:  Do you like the color yellow?
SCOTTY:  I have expressed my views on this issue in the past.

PRESS CORPS:  Has the President --
SCOTTY:  Wait, wait... I hate to interrupt you, but... I have previously articulated our views on this matter.
PRESS CORPS:  But I --
SCOTTY:  Shhhhh.  Previously articulated.




One quickly, spending the days in the Alexandria Court House, watching the trial of this terrorist, 9/11, of course there is no death for him, but he will be in jail for life. What he said was that Osama bin Laden live long and he will never be caught, or you will never catch him, alive or dead. And he said that, personally, he would do again, and he is not sorry for anything. My question is, when are we going to get Osama bin Laden, because somebody knows where he is -- he knows, and he said many people know where he is.

He will be brought to justice. He is responsible for great crimes against humanity and great crimes against the American people. And this President does not forget what occurred on September 11th. He remembers it every single day. And that guides his thinking when it comes to our foreign policy.

As you can clearly see in this recently declassified page of George Bush's foreign policy meeting notes:

And that's why we are continuing to take the fight to the enemy abroad, so that we're not fighting them here at home.

Seriously, you folks have no idea how close we were to having Sunni militiamen and Shiite Death Squads marching through the streets of Omaha, Madison, Seattle, and Jacksonville.  We really dodged a bullet there, so to speak.

That's why we have worked to dismantle the al Qaeda leadership. Some three-quarters of al Qaeda's senior leaders and other associates within that have been brought to justice -- they have either been captured or they have been killed. We are keeping them on the run.

For example, we have killed al-Qaeda's number two leader 724 times!

Osama bin Laden, who you bring up, is someone who is on the run. He's under a lot of pressure. And we must continue to keep the pressure on the terrorists, and continue to go after them by staying on the offensive. And that's what this President is doing.

Bin Laden is totally on the run.  Running scared.  Under pressure.  

Except for, you know, the two or three times a week he has the opportunity to release a new video or audio tape.  This guy gives more addresses to the United States than Bush does.



Thank you, Scott. Last month, Deputy Secretary Zoellick said that the United States would not look kindly if Nicaragua elected Commadante Ortega as the president and made some critical comments about the Mayor of Managua, who's also a presidential candidate. My question is, does this not break with your policy of not commenting on foreign elections? And if the administration is going to comment about elections in other countries or in this hemisphere, would you say who would we prefer in Peru's runoff, Colonel Humala or former President Garcia?

I think it's up to the people of those countries to choose who their president will be.

Unlike, you know, America.

But what's important for the United States is to continue to emphasize the importance of democracy in the hemisphere

Unlike, you know, America.

and to emphasize the importance of good governance

Unlike, you know, America.

and to emphasize the importance of rule of law

Unlike, you know, America.

and to talk about ways we can work together to lift people out of poverty and to help them realize better quality -- a better quality of life.

Unlike, you know, America.

Scotty, you're fucking killing me over here.


Originally posted to karateexplosions on Thu May 29, 2008 at 10:11 AM PDT.

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