Working on some new material:
I understand that people are cynical about politics these days. Seems like it's scandal after scandal. If it's not Bill Clinton's affair, it's Dick Cheney's hunting accident. Just goes to show that Democrat or Republican, they're still willing to shoot a friend in the face.
But we've got Presidential nominees now. Barack Obama and John McCain -- tell me that doesn't look like Doogie Houser meets the cadaver.
Look, I'm not saying John McCain is old, but if he gets elected, instead of a Secretary of State, he'll have a Secretary of Prostate. You can always tell the Secretary of Prostate, he's the one who checks into the White House through the back door.
If John McCain becomes President, the DoD will go from the Department of Defense to the Department of Depends. Our Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles will become Incontinent Ballistic Missiles...two or three times a night they leak fuel.
Under a McCain administration, the FEC will no longer be the Federal Elections Commission, but rather the Federal Erections Commission. It will be chaired by Bob Dole and adopt the new slogan, "It ain't just the chads that are hanging."
Every Rose Garden bill signing ceremony would end not with a press conference but with "Get off my lawn!"
One advantage of a McCain presidency is that we would not have any concerns about a Monica Lewinsky-type scandal. I mean, even if there was an intern who wanted to service McCain, she'd have to get in line behind the entire American press corps and by the time it was her turn, four years would be up.
(Older material can be found here)