While I must say I'm mildly encouraged by Russ Feingold's rather circumspect hinting that he might maybe sorta filibuster the current FISA bill never mind - there's a possibility that the Senate won't even get to the bill before the recess - BUT WHATEVER: I still think we need to be prepared in case this steaming turd passes. And - entrenched as I firmly am in the when-it's-inevitable-you-might-as-well-enjoy-it camp - I figure we should try to make the best of what will otherwise be a bad situation. To wit:
The provisions of the new version of the FISA law (PDF file) allow the president (through his attorney general or director of national intelligence) to authorize a wiretap on anyone he thinks might have intelligence important to the national security of the United States.
As events of the last seven years have so amply demonstrated, George Bush wouldn't know a national security threat if it came up and bit him in his Daily Briefs. Thus it is that in spite of unprecedented (and even abused) powers of surveillance and data analysis, the Frat Boy-In-Chief has managed to make our country not more safe than ever before, but much less safe.
Under President Barack Obama, however, there will be a new sheriff in town. On January 20, 2009 President Obama will inherit all of the powers stolen, cooked up, decreed, invented, assumed, fabricated and otherwise accumulated by the BushCheney administration during its entire regrettable, vile existence.
All of the powers accumulated by BushCheney.
Every last one of them.
This would include the odious powers granted by the execrable FISA revision - which (ironically, given the law's sordid provenance) could actually turn out to be a Very Good Thing.
See, as discomfiting as the thought might be to certain parties, President Obama could actually employ these very powerful tools for good instead of evil. President Obama could use the powers accorded him by the new FISA bill to actually – for the first time in seven years - improve the national security of the United States of America. President Obama could actually focus the incredibly powerful surveillance and data analysis tools at the disposal of the United States government on those parties who actually most threaten the American way of life.
And exactly which parties would those be, which most directly threaten the American way of life?
Hey, that gives me an idea! Let's help out our future president, shall we? Let’s draw up a quick list of Threats To U.S. National Security! Let's see . . .
Okay - well, first, since every politician from Gee Dubya on down has made it abundantly clear that those who would tamper with America's oil supply are a threat to our nation's security (and therefore must hate America), President Obama must obviously wiretap
- everyone who controls the oil supply. (This would naturally include all members of the Saudi royal family and the top executives at ExxonMobil, BP, Chevron/Texaco, Unocal, Shell - who am I forgetting?)
President Bush has also made it clear that - in spite of what his oath of office might say about preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution - the president's most important job is keeping Americans safe from physical harm. Therefore, given how many Americans have died in the past seven years because of the actions (or inaction, as the case may be) of the following people, President Obama must wiretap
- coal mine owners
- the top executives of all of the tobacco companies
- the top executives of all of the health insurance companies
- the top executives of all of the pharmaceutical companies
- the top executives of all of the food processing companies
Global warming has caused upheavals that have killed hundreds of thousands around the globe. Clearly, anyone who denies the reality of global warming is complicit in these deaths. To ensure the safety of all Americans therefore, President Obama has no choice therefore but to wiretap
As the United States continues to trail the world in science education, certain parties continue to want us to trail in science education by trying to convince our children that creationism cretinism intelligent design carries the same scientific weight as the theory of evolution. President Obama must bolster the nation's security by ensuring our return to scientific pre-eminence: he must order the wiretapping of
- proponents of intelligent design.
Given their central role in wrecking most of the governmental programs charged with keeping Americans safe or helping Americans in time of need (National Guard troops stop-lossed three times to Iraq instead of filling sandbags in Cedar Rapids, anyone?), Republicans in general certainly have demonstrated themselves to be a significant threat to national security, and thus are logical targets for President Obama's wiretaps under FISA. Add 'em to the list:
- all Republican legislators
Freedom of speech is one of America's proudest values. In order for our democracy to flourish, dissenting voices must be heard. When dissent is stifled, decision-making takes place in an echo chamber, which can lead to disastrous consequences and, in many cases, to the unnecessary deaths of Americans. The consolidation of major media outlets in this country has led inexorably to the stifling of dissent, and thus has increased the danger to Americans. President Obama must immediately order the wiretapping of
- the heads of major media conglomerates.
Although freedom of speech is a cherished right in this country, freedom of hate speech is not. Those who would foment hatred against others threaten the security of every man, woman and child in our great country, and they must be stopped. President Obama must nip in the bud the insidious threat posed by these people before they foment violence against Americans. Wiretaps must be issued against
- purveyors of hate speech.
It has been repeatedly shown that defense contractors have provided American troops with inferior armament and equipment, have compromised the safety of American personnel overseas, and have created a financial strain on the economy of this great nation, a strain that threatens to bring about an economic collapse from which the country could not recover for years if not decades. For their leading role in threatening the nation's security by plundering the U.S. treasury and physically endangering Americans, President Obama must wiretap
Finally, a certain group that has infiltrated every corner of American society is bent on the destruction not only of America, but of the entire world - in fact, it is a group that because of its twisted view of religion, seeks Armageddon. No one can doubt that members of such a group pose a threat to the security of the United States, and so President Obama must place near the top of the list of those who must be wiretapped
- religious zealots seeking Armageddon.
It is comforting indeed to know how much safer America will be as soon as President Obama has exercised his awesome surveillance power against those whose core values threaten our great country's very existence.
What other groups must President Obama order wiretaps on, in order to preseve our great freedoms?