I'm not terribly sad about Jesse Helms' death. Apologies to those of you who wish for civility, I get you but I just can't do it myself.
I hate to directly pile on with insults and ill wishes, so I am going to write a diary about myself and my experiences instead, and maybe some of you will understand why I feel the way I do.
I don't care, honestly, at this point, if someone thinks I'm wrong. You're entitled. And if you want to hurl insults for my incivility. please feel absolutely free to do so.
I just hope some of you understand.
I grew up in a really small, conservative town in Alabama. From literally the beginning of my life I was exposed to racism and homophobia from people in my family I thought were supposed to be decent and teach me morality and all that apparently utopian shit. From an early age I remember hearing "fag" this, "nigger" that. Pretty much every day of my life. I remember once when I was probably nine or ten, I read in a newspaper that this local funeral home refused to bury a dead little girl because she was black. This was this past decade. I cried.
Later, when I realized I'm gay, things got really bad. (Being white, I was not personally hurt by racism, it was just something I hated, but the constant homophobia was different.)
It was really bad. Fags should die, or get AIDS, suffer, then die. My family apparently thought we're responsible for so many insane things. Pretty much whatever the conservative media said that week. My mother, whom I love, was one of the worst about it and she had no idea about the effect the constant berating and humiliation had on me.
I should mention, I grew up very sheltered. My family was of the authoritarian mold, though they weren't violent (at least not with their fists.) I wasn't told a lot of things, I went to a conservative Catholic school and I only got to hear about the virtues of conservatism every day. I knew I disagreed but I couldn't articulate why at the time, because I had no basis for any other opinion. So, they'd talk about these things and especially about gays and I bought into it. I'm wrong. I'm immoral. It's a choice. I can stop if I really want to, and I should want to, because my family and society will love me then - and only then. Please contemplate for a few minutes being twelve years old and facing that "reality". At least try to understand.
Then, of course, I was not only alienated by my family, but my attempts to make friends were... rough. You get close to people and you want so badly to just be honest, you want to know that they'll still love you, that you're still you, but you're so scared to say anything - and then you feel like such a fucking miserable liar, when your friends have done nothing but respect you and care about you. It's a sick feeling, and I swear, you struggle with it every day. You make friends you grow close to, and then suddenly after a year they start making virulently homophobic remarks and it just tears your fucking soul away and you want to crawl in a hole and just die.
I didn't have the respect of any family or friends. I couldn't, because no one knew who I was. God, it took me long enough to even figure out what a fag was and longer to accept that I was one. And, haha, you'd think with acceptance comes relief, at least you understand yourself. But it only made things worse.
I wanted to be different. I needed to be different and "normal" because otherwise I was immoral and I'd get a disease and die. I prayed every night, I begged God to please, please just change me. Please make me normal. I cried every night from the time I was twelve to the time I was seventeen. I couldn't get close with anyone. I couldn't form relationships with family or friends because I was so fucking terrified of getting to close to someone and getting hurt. I had no one and I was nothing but a liar and an immoral sick freak.
I wanted to die. I became suicidal. I thought about killing myself every day of my life, a few times a day. The only reason I never did it was my Catholicism - I believed I'd burn in hell if I took my own life. Of course, you burn in hell if you're a fag too, but I thought maybe I should give it a fair shot. But for years I was miserable and suicidal - and I couldn't exactly tell anyone. I had to deal with all the enormous issues involved independently. I've gotten used to that.
I don't know how I survived. I don't know why I'm still here. The considerable mental and emotional abuse I took from nearly everyone for years fucked me up irreparably. To this day I still have major anxiety issues, major depression (though I'm not suicidal anymore - I promise), and a fear/hate of people. I do not trust anyone in my life, and I constantly verify everything.
I've seen so much - gay kids killed, beaten, their houses and cars trashed. I've seen the faces of my friends when someone utters a homophobic remark, turn to hurt. Thankfully, for myself I haven't met any gay people with AIDS but I recognize that's a major issue as well.
And I've seen all these things and I've had all these experiences in the name of conservative ideology. This ridiculous, hateful way of thinking, and I'm being generous, has directly killed or hurt many people in my life, and myself. Blatant homophobia, even if it's just the stupid comments of some Senator, really hurts people. It can destroy a mind and a soul and lead to abject torment for the rest of someone's life. And to have this ignorant view espoused in the fucking Senate is beyond mind-fucking for me. People in our government think of me as a morally sick wretch if I love a guy? People would directly oppose funding for AIDS because it kills gays? In my country?
And you want me to be civil upon his death? Fuck that.
In spite of him and people like him, I'm still alive - but so many are not.