This week, one of McCain's least appealing surrogates, Phil Gramm, keyed the Straight Talk Express with his comment on whiny Americans. Shucks, at times like this it's best to hustle a less threatening surrogate out to soothe the snarling feral infotainment superstructure with charm and really good hair. So they appear, disembodied or on set, with Chris, or Wolf, or Joe, or David, or Sean. Brandishing rhetorical skills honed over a thousand Power Point presentations, they murmer their narcotizing drivel. While the Republicans have a seemingly deep bench when it comes to these attractive thugs, their roster suffers from a lack of heavy intellectual hitters.
It's sad really, the continuing struggle of Republicans to field convincing surrogates day after day after inexorable day. This is a challenge, as television presents unique problems for most of these day job lobbyists who are much more comfortable selling their brand of crazy in the dim lights of Washington's elite watering holes and eateries. So, a steady stream of these hopeful practitioners of the dark arts of instant analysis and spin-hypnosis constantly appear, providing us with literally minutes of entertainment as they audition for a coveted spot in the electronic firmament. Recently, I took a closer look when the McCain campaign rolled out Nancy Pfotenhauer, who is a real study in the interlocking nodes that connect our power elite. Now, to erase the picture of Phil Gramm's rictus smile from our minds, comes the only sporadically seen, but always welcome, Cheri(!) Jacobus.
Jacobus appeared this afternoon on one of the MSNBC commentariat confab shows. (Yea, these shows have become so mind deadening and predictable that I can't even remember which one is droning its political white noise over in the corner of my garage. I also, by the way, cannot remember the name of the generic Democratic "strategist" Jacobus was "debating.") The segment was about energy policy and, needless to say, was utterly formulaic and forgettable. Jacobus, like many before her, has perfected the bemused shake of the head and wide-eyed disbelief at the naive policies of the Democrats, but sadly, has not yet found a convincing argument against those policies. Really? The Gas Tax Hoilday? Cheri(!), really? So, to fill the emply hours until drinking is socially acceptable, I'm thrown back onto the task of taking a closer look at these shills for our shrouded overlords. So, just who is Cheri(!) Jacobus and what does she want?
Jacobus is president of something called Capitol Strategies, based in our nation's beautiful capital. This is, of course, just one of the thousands of specialty fixer shops that infest Washington and trade in access, influence and all forms of soul killing deal making. Just what does Capitol Strategies do? According to their newspeak boilerplate:
Capitol Strategies offers message, strategy, and press relations and communications consulting services to Republican candidates...
In other words, Jacobus is a post-millenial snake oil saleswoman; an edgy Elmer Gantry with acid-peel features holding a blackberry like a phallo-fascist-fetish; Babbitt all zazzed up on Red Bull, spittle-flying rage and grotesque tongue-rolling fear; a shameless huckster in Chanel peddling darkly resigned American despair; a true believer in the holy church of the market and the spiritual value of "branding" hapless citizens like you and I. Sorry.
Capitol Strategies, however, is much more than a talent agency for hungry ghosts looking to pitch the party line of free-market miracles and deliciously privatized goodness. No, Capitol Strategies also offers:
...policy strategy, communications and public affairs consulting for companies and organizations dealing with Congress, the White House and federal agencies.
This sounds a lot like lobbying, don't you think? Why yes, a quick survey of Capitol Strategies reveals a client list that includes some nasty little bits of business like Judicial Watch and GOPAC. Don't forget, before he beat it back to Texas, Tom Delay oozed his sticky low-rent ectoplasm all over town. Again, sorry.
Jacobus seems pleasant enough at first blush. Indeed, her official biography reveals an almost cinematic past: "...[she] managed her first political campaign in high school, successfully propelling her candidate into the position of freshman class president." Yikes, wunderkind alert. From there, it was on to a Bachelors Degree in journalism(!) from West Virginia University. Then on to Washington and a bit part in the show that never closes. Indeed, Jacobus has spent her entire adult life working in campaigns for Republican office-seekers or for Republican office-holders and has demonstrated her fealty and message discipline for the last quarter century. She really made her bones in the heady years between the "Gingrich Revolution" and the Clinton Impeachment. Indeed, she was an earlier oppo researcher for the Republicans in Congress, relentlessly looking to dirty up and pull down the American president. In other words, a Rovian patriot.
So, what we have in Jacobus is a certain breed of Republican mouthpiece who has leveraged total unblinking loyalty to the Hidden Ones (oil maggots, eh edscan?) into a profitable boutique lobbying firm and a place at the children's table. How does she maintain her place in the supplicant's line before our shrouded one's groaning board? By parroting the central narrative of the Republican Party, and now, the McCain campaign's economic ghouls. Simply put: "We are in the business of advocating market-based solutions. We think shared responsibility and a common vision are a crock. We promote money as an index of rights, citizenship as a commodity." Or, to put it more simply, "My friends, you're on your own."