Once again, the great wheel groans and the edge of darkness moves across the continent. As the somber American night settles, I place my hands on the monitor and sense your anxious voices crackling down the mojo line. Oh yes, I hear you out there in the dark American night...and I still have my suspicions about you.
- I suspect no one actually knows what the term "progressive politics" means.
- I suspect the vast majority of bomb-throwing diaries claiming to "sincerely examine" inter-generational tensions (diaries that then ignite comment warfare between boomers and their ungrateful spawn) are written by bloggers aged 75 and older who have found a delightful new way to screw with their adult kid's heads. (ex: "Boomers are a Fiscal Drag, Why Don't They Do the Right Thing and Die?) Indeed, I suspect the schadenfreude is rich with cinnamony goodness over at grammy's house. Yep, there's Nana--knowing all too well she's stoking the neurotic boomer's endless capacity for self-pity and regret--typing out another incendiary comment detailing how the boomers are all craven sell-outs who have left to their children and grandchildren a righteously fucked-up world and yet who still presume to tell every American under 50 about the glorious sixties and their pivotal role in the "movement." (Ah, you poor kids really missed it.)
- I suspect many commenters have no idea what function the preview button serves.
- I suspect the appearance of the very next "Obama Betrayed the Constitution with his FISA Vote" diary will cause a highly malevolent harmonic convergence to cohere, causing--in turn--the entire universe to stop expanding, come to a full and complete stop, look both ways before making a perfectly executed u-turn, and then go back the way it came. I suspect this means Jimmy Carter will eventually be President again.
- I suspect some Kos people are dangerously bewitched by celebrities. I suspect that celebrity diaries--regardless of how thin, inconsequential, or self-serving they may be--rocket onto the rec list because some members of the Kos community are hopelessly spellbound by the possibility that a "famous person" might read their comment and then make that mystical fame connection by responding. (Here's a tip: celebrities are actually people with whom you have no relationship.) I suspect there are several variations of this pleasant daydream:
I suspect that some Kos regulars secretly hope that Keith will credit them on Countdown. Ex: "that brilliant diarist on Daily Kos, 'Drunk and Lonely in Reykjavik' is to be commended for bringing this critical analysis to everyone's attention." (stage note: wiggle eyebrows, throw papers with feigned gusto.)
I suspect another version of this fantasy is the aggressive mash note. Recently spotted in the comment thread on a John Cusack diary: "Thanks for pushing the envelope in your work...I'm writing a little screenplay myself which would have a great part for you!"
I suspect yet another variation of this theme can be found closer to home. I suspect some Kos regulars hang around for hours waiting for Markos--may I call you Markos?--to post so they can be an early commenter. I suspect some hope that The Shrouded One will then mention their brilliant insight the next time he appears on Real Time with Bill Maher. Here's a tip: look for Markos--really, may I call you Markos?--all over the airwaves just about the time his book is released. I'm not sure what the release date is, but I suspect--if you look hard enough--you'll be able to find it.
- I suspect edscan--Naybobs!--teaches a course titled "Semiotics and Political Violence" at Bard.
- I suspect most Trusted Users find that their exalted status fails to deliver a hoped for self-esteem boost. I suspect that after an initial squirt of chemicals to the pleasure receptors, most newly minted Trusted Users find the dishes still need to be washed. I suspect that most Trusted Users quickly tire of reading the hidden comments as they are--in no particular order--boring, repetitive, uninspired, childish, childishly scatalogical, and a general waste of time you'll never (ever) get back. (Tip: for a much more inspired time waster, I suggest the straight-to-video potboiler Candyman 3.) I suspect Kos people who have not yet achieved Trusted User status believe they're missing all the real fun.
- I suspect the level of candor in confessional diaries is roughly equivalent to the level of truth in the diarist's resume.
- I suspect some Kos diarists and commenters watch crappy soul-deadening infotainment talk shows like Race for the Whitehouse and Hardball because their connection for raw adrenal glands is currently sitting in the county lockup. I suspect roughly 60 to 90 minutes of David Gregory and/or Chris Matthews--along with their surly bands of political surrogate/thugs, lazy journalists flogging a new book, and conventional wisdom zombies devoted to sucking all the life out of any original idea--is necessary preparation before a commenter can really get to the place where they can tell everyone else what they really think. Here's a tip: if you want to meet these gland chewers, post a diary calling for pragmatism and a centrist approach to campaigning, winning, and governing.
- I suspect that some diarists fret over the best time to post a serious dairy, say, one that explores the Framers' original intent when designing the Electoral College. I suspect that if you have such worries, you will profit from trying this little trick: first, push your forehad up against your monitor. Now, concentrate really really really hard and try to "visualize" the next few diaries that will be posted. Do you see cats? Stop now! Do not post! I suspect you do not want your diary anywhere near cat-related diaries.
Indeed, I suspect the presence of cat diaries can lead to even more unfortunate juxtapositions. I suspect that nothing will kill the chance of anyone reading that 90 page thesis paper you've edited (slightly) into a diary (with added YouTube links) more quickly than being wedged between a diary with cats--particularly if they are wearing patriotic costumes and making obscene gestures--and a crazed spittle-rage rant diary about FISA (see danger of contracting universe above) or--alternately--a diary about the deceased celebrity conservative of the week.
I suspect if you don't see cats, you're probably ok--unless, I suspect, it's Friday night and the "films" and "what are you drinking" diaries have come out. I suspect their authors know these topics are comment magnets and don't care that your serious political meditation will slide away unnoticed.
- I suspect I would rather take my chances with the United States Constitution than a set of laws written, implemented, and enforced by Daily Kos regulars.
- I suspect you will think this diary has no redeeming value and hope it will be quickly pushed down the page and into that good night.