Something happened to me a couple of days ago which has never happened before. The New Yorker cover story has been keeping it fresh in my mind all day today, and now I just have to get it out. More after the jump..
As a white, middle-class woman, I've never been stereotyped as anything in my life. Well, except for the fact that I'm a bit chubby - that makes some people think that I must just eat all the time, and eat nothing but junk food for every meal.
A few days ago, a co-worker at the group home I work at was sitting outside with me while we planned the meals for the week.
"If I ask you something, will you get angry?" she asked.
Guardedly I replied, "Since I have no idea what you're about to ask me, I don't know. You'll have to take a chance."
She took a deep breath and asked "Are you gay?"
My initial reaction was one of shock, and anger. I instantly knew where this was coming from. I got a rather bad haircut a week ago, and haven't been to the salon as yet to get it fixed. The shock was because we've talked about my boyfriend in great detail - the anger was the reaction she had to my haircut, and rightly so, I think.
Now it was my turn to breathe. "The haircut, right?"
She laughed. "Well..."
"Please allow me to respond, before you say anything else. I am not gay. And it bothers me that you thought that because of my shitty haircut. It's unbelievably stereotypical of you to even think that of someone, as though all lesbians have 'butch' haircuts."
"But it's not just that," she says. "You always get your hair cut short. You never wear makeup to work, I've never seen you in anything pretty..." I held up my hand.
"I don't wear makeup because I sweat at work, mopping and cleaning. What's the point of putting it on when it will just melt off? And the short hair is because it's easier for me to deal with. I don't wear my nice clothes since I have to wipe poop off of people. Why would I wear something nice for that, and risk ruining my good clothes? As far as I'm concerned, anyone wearing makeup or dress clothes to work in this house obviously isn't working very hard." That was a direct dig at her, (always wearing makeup and nice clothes, her hair coiffed, and always perfect at the end of her shifts) which she missed. "Furthermore, my aunt is a lesbian, and you would never know that her girlfriend was by looking at her. She has long hair, she wears makeup everyday, and she's always dressed impeccably."
"You're offended?"
"I'm offended that you have obviously bought into the stereotype that all lesbians are either fat or ugly women who can't get a man, or that they all have mullets and wear baggy clothes and no makeup. It doesn't bother me if you think I'm gay, but you're thinking it for the wrong reasons. Besides, we've talked about Paul (my boyfriend of the last 4 years) a thousand times!"
She apologized and I let it go, but I fumed all night about this.
It's been preying on my mind all weekend now. Did I handle this correctly? Should I have just said no and left it at that? Should I have told her to mind her own fucking business and let her think whatever she wanted? Was there anything else I could have said? I don't know. I'm not offended by someone thinking that, but for such lame ass reasons like a bad haircut, did offend my sensibilities. I wanted to share this with my friends here and ask for some feedback. What do you think? Was she right to make the assumption, was I right in the way I handled it, or am I just blowing it out of proportion here?