The first court of Droogie VI VI V V III II I is now in session. The following proclamations will be law when I am king.
In yon comments section, feel free to list out any grievances thou havest -- the pettier the better.
When I am king, all Fox News broadcasts will carry the following disclaimer at the bottom of the screen: "For entertainment purposes only."
When I am king, there will be two kinds of movie theaters -- the under-21 theaters, and the over-21 theaters. You kids piss me off. Also, there will be beer, wine and whiskey available at the concession stands in the latter.
When I am king, Cindy McCain will cook me a batch of her delicious Vicodin-chip cookies.
When I am king, people who advocate that this country be made "English only" must deliver all their arguments in Cherokee.
When I am king, people will be allowed to legally steal anything from any place of business that does not provide a diaper-changing station in BOTH restrooms.
When I am king, I will ship Joe Lieberman to a lightless vault 3 miles into the earth's crust where he will fight a naked, oiled Dick Cheney for his food.
When I am king, whenever a waiter or waitress at a restaurant asks you, "Are you done workin' on that?" before taking your plates away, the meal will be free. I'm not "working on" anything. I'm enjoying a meal, not building a rocket.
When I am king, any political pundit who pretends to understand what life is like for real people will be chloroformed, crammed in the trunk of my car and dropped off on a street corner in Weehauken, NJ to find a real job.
When I am king, Phil Gramm is hereby ordered to be my official taint depilator.
When I am king, people who trim their fingernails at work will be forced to give everyone in their workplace full-service pedicures and manicures.
When I am king, I will select a running mate for John McCain, and he will be the only man who can make him seem youthful and energetic -- Fred Thompson.
When I am king, anyone who references the FOX TV show "24" as an argument in favor of torture will be waterboarded with lukewarm mayonnaise.
When I am king, I will issue a restraining order between existing marriage laws and Senators Vitter and Craig.
When I am king, people who don't know the "they're/their" rule will have their computers confiscated and burned.
When I am king, people who berate clerks and behind-the-counter service workers for minor inconveniences that weren't even the fault of that employee will be forced to watch the complete Vin Diesel filmography.
When I am king, people who say "the free market will fix it" will be forced to translate Ayn Rand books into dead languages.
And finally, when I am king, candidates who use robo-callers will be sent to Africa and forced to vaccinate individual mosquitoes for malaria.
WTF? Recommended? OK, here be some more royal proclamations.
When I am king, poll options will be editable, so I can change option No. 8 to read "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
When I am king, Winona Ryder will be queen. For she has walked out of the store with my heart, and I don't even care that she never paid.
When I am king, the Olympic Games will feature the 50-meter schlep. The king will bet the royal treasury on the Israeli team.
When I am king, superdelegates get one vote -- and they must stand in line with the rest of us in the line with the old ladies and the bad coffee.
When I am king, all presidential candidates from the Republican Party will have to work at least 1 year in the foodservice industry being yelled at by their base for whatever orders they mess up.
When I am king, "Talk Like a Pirate Day" will be "Talk Like a Pirate Week," and it will be a national holiday.
When I am king, the official banner of the kingdom will feature fishnet and sparklers. You know, something classy.
When I am king, every 2004 Bush voter must do something nice for an LGBT American on Sept. 5 (Freddie Mercury's birthday).
When I am king, people who write or say the word "utilize" will be branded with the word "USE."
When I am king, the people responsible for this billboard will be forced to volunteer at a swine insemination facility.
When I am king, George Carlin will be named the first and only saint of Frisbeetarianism.
When I am king, SUVs will be melted down for scrap and used to build wind turbines.
When I am king, Rush Limbaugh will pour my scotch and clip my cigars.
So let it be written. So let it be done. Verily, for I am king.