Study Proves Bill O’Reilly A Health Risk
As part of my media-culture thesis at the University of Levittown, I wanted to determine how much, if any, heavy doses of particular broadcasts affects the mental, emotional and physical health of the viewer or, in some cases, viewee.
That lead me to Bill O’Reilly. As an admitted liberal, card-carrying member of the ACLU and enthusiastic contributor to PETA, I knew I had to leave my beliefs and bias at door. I would watch and listen to Bill O’Reilly everyday for a month. Two hours of radio in the morning and one every evening on Fox TV. This type of trial is always risky, but to advance the study of culture influences on mankind, I’d even listen to Michael Savage.
To produce a clear distinction between the O’Reilly effect and not let extraneous environmental conditions bias the study’s results, when O’Reilly wasn’t on the air, I would read O’Reilly’s books, fiction and non-fiction, adult and kids and spend the balance of each day poring over BillOreilly.com.
Here are the results.
Monday, 8AM: Except for a slightly diminishing libido, a complete examination by a licensed chiropractor suggested a clean bill of health.
9:06AM: Tuned the AM dial to "The Radio Factor," O’Reilly’s two-hour radio program just in time to hear opening litany of sound-bites where Bill is praised and dazed by a lot of folks. Meryl Streep is heard to say, "I’m just an actor, this is not the Factor." I don’t get it.
9:10AM Bill says he hates the blather from the left AND the talk radio right. He spends the rest of the rest of the hour ripping the blather from the left.
9:15AM: Bill seems to be ripping into some guy named Stuart Smalley who's running for the U.S. Senate, telling him to "shut up!" Seemingly contradicting an earlier assertion that he never tells anyone to "shut up," and despite my long-held pacifist inclinations, I want Bill to continue. Yes, yes. Shut him up. Shut him up good! I find myself cheering for Bill to not only tell this Smalley guy to shut up, but to also, slug 'im one. (Note to self: Have never used the phrase, "slug 'im one." What is that about?)
9:25AM: Bill gives away a signed copy of his "Who’s Looking Out For You" (which I gather to be a guidebook from God or some other deity), to a caller who made a great point that coincidentally agreed with him. Rather amazing. He just gives them away.
9:28AM: Gives away a free PREMIUM membership to another caller. Not a regular membership. A PREMIUM membership. I begin to wonder how this guy makes any money.
9:29AM: O’Reilly tells audience of the new "The Spin Stops Here" t-shirt and coffee mug that would make a great Christmas gift. He says if we check out billoreilly.com we can see his sidekick, Lise Weihl modeling it. The t-shirt, not the mug. Really hot. The t-shirt, not the mug.
9:38AM: Calls Scott McClellan a dopey liar for saying that Bill and Fox News receives White House talking points. Karl Rove confirms Bill is telling the truth. Bill Explains that he had interviewed McClellan on The Factor and he had nuthin'. (Note: Watched the youtube of said interview, but unfortunately some one - probably mediamatters, must have edited it 'cause it kind of made O'Reilly seem like a dopey liar. Already I'm getting just how much the left attempts to use Bill's own words to smear him. Damn left.)
9:50AM: Bill gets Scott McClellan to admit he was never sent White House talking points. Bill pulls down Scott's pants and paddles him but good, but doesn't apologize for saying Scott is partnered up with NBC to sell his book and harm the troops in harm's way. Good for you, Bill. Good for you.
10:06AM: Fox TV political consultant, Dick Morris, comes on and pitches his latest book that explains clearly why Barack Obama will raise taxes 200%...before he even takes office. He doesn’t give any of the books away. The antithesis of the altruistic O’Reilly. Bill announces that for the duration of the presidential campaign, he will not bring on partisans to discuss the election because they would only be spinning the same-ole-same-ole, just rehashing their side's biased talking points. Morris agrees.
(Note to self: Ask why Sean Hannity is the one who received the $100 million radio contract. Afterall, Bill's the one who broke the Reverend Wright story this year. He even said so. Hannity tried to take the credit by talking about it incessantly since 2007. See, even those on the right are trying to undermine Bill. They're just jealous because Bill's independent and they're not.)
10:36 AM: Bill explains how smear-sites Mediamatters.com and Moveon.org are the nearest things to Nazis and the KKK. He blasts them for being hate-filled, America-hating, bomb-throwing name callers. He says there a few on the far right who are haters. Don't think he mentions who they are.
10:59AM: Show ends but Bill assures "me" (he actually seems like he’s talking directly to me...personally) that his O'Reilly Factor Fox News Channel television show this evening is "really terrific." The non-partisan Dick Morris and even more non-partisan, former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich will discuss the latest news in the presidential campaign. (Note to self: see if I can find the tape from 10:15AM).
NOON: I check out BillOreilly.com. I try to be object but find the site mesmerizing. Mr. O’Reilly’s picture appears on the home page and seems to look right through me as if he knows what I’m thinking. Interesting, but also erotically unnerving. I have always been considered heterosexual, except perhaps for that one summer camp episode. It’s worth noting an intrinsic capacity of media personalities to provoke crossover in standard patterns of sexual comportment. I purchase the economically priced, "The Spin Stops Here" Tote Bag.
1-4:59PM - Walk aimlessly. Can't get Bill out of my mind. Find myself at McDonalds where I wash down five Big Macs with a gallon of Coke. Free refills! Yay traditionalist America!
5 PM: Mr. O’Reilly sits high atop the Fox News Channel roost with his one hour segment of the O’Reilly Factor. He's the quarterback there. Even he said so. His piercing eyes and quiet sensuality belie his serious news work. Must discern whether my response to O’Reilly is visceral or what Bill calls his "animal magnetism." Bill opens with a segment he calls "Talking Points." I try to listen closely, but the words seem to meld into a mélange of incredulity. It's something about how Scott McClellan is a dopey liar. I knew it. That's the second time I've heard that today. Difficult to keep notes. Must look away. Can’t. Seem to be taken into some sort of No-spin dimension dementia.
5:15PM: Bill Brings on Karl Rove to confirm McClellan is a bad, bad boy. And Karl Rove ran the politics at the White House so he should know what the truth is.
5:20PM: Bill brings on Laura Ingerham for an objective discussion on why MSNBC and the guy who runs General Electric are killing our troops. They don't mention Keith Olbermann's name, but I'm starting to guess the blood of our boy in harm's way is on his hands. (Note to self: Watch Countdown and zoom in on Olbermann's hands. I know they use makeup or styptic pencils to coverup the blood, but that in itself is a dead giveaway.)
5:25PM: Bill shows tape of one of his producers - who I think I met while I was doing a study of high school audio-visual club members last year - blind-siding Robert Wexler/Bill Moyers/Activist Judge/College Professor. Really difficult to tell the difference between one far-left, secular-progressive and another. (Note to self: If I am ever lucky enough to actually meet Mr. O'Reilly, I'm going to suggest that SP's wear arm bands so we know which ones to encamp when America can finally get rid of these Nazis...I mean, SP's). The Producer asks SP if he had stopped beating his wife. BAM! Got him! Love it.
5:38: Time for Bill's pop culture thing where he books someone America loved to watch on TV. Tonight it's the ship's purser from Love Boat. There's nothing like finding out that someone you think is dead is still alive. And we can give thanks to Bill for that. It's so cool to find out what it was like to work with the young Gavin MacCleod.
5:45PM: During his "Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"segment, where Mr. O’Reilly takes an issue that, for the most part, isn’t really that "ridiculous" or even an "item, "and somehow turns it into a plug for a one of his wonderful books or what has to be an exhilarating live appearance.
5:48PM: Pinheads and Patiots - Segment is really cool. People who don't agree with Bill are Pinheads. People who do are Patriots. Walls starting to close in but it's all starting to make sense.
5:55PM: Mail Bag - People's emails that Bill answers like he already knows the questions. Amazed how many people want to know about Factor Gear. A letter-writer admonishes Bill for not being tough enough in his day before questioning of some SP. While I feel an insatiable compulsion to jump through the screen and strangle the letter-writer, Bill fends off the criticism as if he were shooing away a fly. To top it off, he gives the creep a FREE "No-spin bra and panties" set. Oh, would I be the letter-writer. More than any other, this is the segment wear Bill gets to show off his well-honed satire. Timing, thy name be Bill.
5:57PM: Short of breath. Difficult to stop hyper-ventilating, but can’t stop watching. Bill–my Bill–shakes and bakes as he continues responding to viewers’ letters, and without missing a beat, hawks his book(s). The man who had found time to pen a children’s version of "Who’s Looking Up For You" - what won’t he do for America and our kids - now has a new book coming out. I don't remember the title or what it's about, but who cares. It's by Bill. He's like the Johnny Mathis of authors. The words don't matter. It's the voice that keeps you coming back. I continue to drink large amounts of water to dilute impulsivity. Hmm. I never noticed that dimple on Bill. How absolutely manly, yet with just the right hint of femininity. Hey, did he just wink at me? Or perhaps it was that just the twinkle in his eye.
5:59PM: Billy, sweet Billy, signs off. No! Not already. Damn you. Damn all of you elite-media, domestic animal-pleasuring, New York Times–CNN teet-sucking, celebrity-cornholing, French-golden-showering, CNN/MSNBC liberal bastards! It’s you and your damn anti-American, time-confining programming that limits this man’s magnificent, ravenous willingness to sacrifice himself to enrich mankind to only three hours a day! Damn you...again!
9PM: Watch Factor again. Bill is able to say the same things he said a few hours ago with nary a glitch. The guy's a pro.
Tues, 8:AM: Waking the next day, I find myself buried under a deluge of Factor merchandise, which includes, but is not limited to, The Spin Stops Here diaphragms, No Spin dreidals (just in time for Hanukkah) and scribbled in "Who’s Looking Out For You" books where I had whited out "You" with "Me." In addition, my walls are covered with photo-shop’d pictures of O’Reilly where his body had been replaced with the bodies of Susan Sommers (doesn’t she look absolutely wonderful for a woman over 50) and former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright. Dr Bobby say it would be best for me to halt my study after twenty-four hours.
CONCLUSION: The O’Reilly Effect is real and could have severe consequences for those who watch as little a three (3) hours a day. While the O’Effect could have seemed to attain a euphoric, almost despotic adoration for O’Reilly and his point of view, I still can’t be sure these outcomes are alterations in biology or an unearthing of a consciousness which existed heretofore and only released due to heavy doses of O’Effect. Or perhaps it was the principle: When beaten over the head with a bat long enough, sooner or later, the subject will think they’re a bat.
WARNING: It is too soon to tell if the implications of the O’Reilly Effect will be long-lasting or have side-effects. It is recommended that those willing to risk these unknown...factors, should consider these precautions...
-If you are planning to watch or listen to O’Reilly, first contact your doctor. The decision to watch or listen to O’Reilly is a personal decision that should be made between you and your physician.
-If you experience sudden and/or severe abdominal pain, call your doctor or Stephanie Miller immediately.
-If you are pregnant, limit your O’Reilly ration to no more than an hour a day. If you want to get pregnant, don’t watch it at all.
Watch for my next study: Is Sean Hannity really that adorable?
Note: Originally written in earlier form by moi and published at National Lampoon.
Steve Young blogs at steveyoungonpolitics.com