Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. We have a lot to get through, so I thought I would start by passing out some material for you all to browse. Take one, and pass it to the back, please.
No, George, stop eating your paper. Dana, can you take George outside and throw him a ball? It's probably best if you're not here to hear this anyway. Being the Press Secretary and all. There's a doll.
Oh, and could you get us all coffees too? You're such a sweetie!
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OK, she's gone. This is Operation Act Like A Plastic. We'll go through the papers we've just distributed. We're going to start a rumor...
OK, we got the idea when Bob Novak picked up this piece of paper when he stopped his car to help a pedestrian the other day. That's the story and by God we're sticking to it.
Well, we thought that was an EXCELLENT idea. We searched the internet to find out how to start a rumor and we found that Google has NINE MILLION pages on how a rumor gets started. We've obviously been overlooking the nastiness of a pre-pubescent mind, so we got some of the little bastards locked in a room for a few hours and they came up with this.
OK, let's go through this a section at a time. Obama just said this...
It has become increasingly clear in my travel, the campaign, that the crowds, the enthusiasm, 200,000 people in Berlin, is not about me at all. It’s about America. I have just become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to our best traditions.
That's not going to fly. The next square says we should butcher it. You, what's your name, man? Sue? Whatever, funny name for a man... anyway, you're in the 'Liberal' media (hahaha! I know! Stupid, isn't it?) so what can you do with that?
Uh huh? Hmmm. Uh huh. OK, let's put that up and see how it flies...
I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to our best traditions.
Oh, you're GOOOOOD! You missed out the bit where he says it's not about him at all, and made sure the word "just" is left out too. Nice! Makes him look arrogant. Perfect! So we attack him on that. We release that half-quote and it'll be around the world before the truth can get its laces tied. I want it in the Press and on the blogs of BeliefNet. HotAir. FreeRepublic. NewsBusters. WashingtonPost blogs, everywhere! Fly my pretties, fly!!!
OK, we come to a decision diamond now. If he does or doesn't respond. Bloggers? BLOGGERS! Stop sending AIM texts to underaged pages and listen! I want you to tackle the "if he doesn't respond" angle. Just keep pumping out the phrase and if he doesn't respond we'll just say it's because it's true and he's unfit to govern. You know the websites to hit. Go, go, go!!!
OK, Pat. If he does respond... I want you to go on that NBC News thing you go on and say it's because he's irritated. That's always a bad attribute for a Presidential candidate to have. Look, I... No, you just... I DON'T CARE HOW FUCKING MUCH RACHEL MADDOW SCARES YOU, GET ON THAT SHOW AND SAY IT GOT UNDER HIS SKIN. Jesus Christ on a bike, Nixon speech-writers, can't do anything with the bunch of crooks... what? Nothing, Pat. I said nothing.
Look: please go on that NBC News thing and say it. Pretty please.
Thank you. Oh, you have to leave now, Pat? OK. See you at the next meeting. Bye, Pat.
[door closes]
Frigging dick.
So, where was I? Oh yes. Whatever the outcome, stick to the talking points and keep them going. And those are the words you should use? Naive: use that a lot. Now I know that it can mean "free from cunning, or sham", but we're not going for people with dictionaries here. Lack of judgment... look, we have to keep pounding this, even though everything Obama says we should have done turns out to be the best thing to do. Just keep saying it. Inexperience is a good word, and we think enough people don't know how to use the internet enough to see what he did in Illinois. Messiah is a bit of a risky one. It might get the Religious ones to vote for him. Maybe we'll just have the addicts and closet-homos use that one. Same with Personality Of Cult... I know we creamed all over Reagan, so just don't make any comparisons and maybe nobody on the Left will. Not change is stupid, but we don't have a choice. Everyone here knows James Glassman, financial guru from the American Enterprise Institute? He predicted the Dow Jones will hit the 36,000 mark. That was his idea. Of course, he said it would happen in 2005 or sooner, but we're hoping it'll happen before November. Oh, and keep comparing Obama to anything and everything. Especially the motives of dead people, because nobody can prove otherwise.
OK, that's the meeting. Any questions?
Ah, yes. One hand up in the blogger pool. What's the problem?
Really? It only took bloggers on Stern Fan Network fourteen minutes to school you with the full quote? Well, I'm sure that's just an anomoly. We're pretty sure this is a foolproof rumor and nobody will make us look like amateurs because of this. Although I think someone should call Pat to warn him that Maddow might know the full quote too.
Anyone got his number?
Anyone?
Well, I guess he's on his own...
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OK, that was a tiny bit snarky. But from a positivist point of view (the idea that things that are observed do not need to be parsed: they are what they are) it's true. The Republican Party and their surrogates are using tactics that would be called "rumor spreading" if it were kids that did it. He eats arugula, I heard he said his shit's ice-cream and we all want a scoop, he knew someone that said something I find offensive so he's the same.
So I thought it was rather ironic that the GOP are now trying to group Obama with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears (especially with McCain's past mention of Hilton: in 2007, when visiting Iraq while wearing a bullet proof vest and surrounded by troops, McCain claimed that conditions were so safe that "even Paris Hilton could ride a bicycle in a bikini through Anbar province"). Ironic because there's one name McCain left out.
Lindsay Lohan.
And the way the GOP seems to be asking like The Plastics from "Mean Girls". A film that centers on rumor spreading, and creating a "burn book". All the rumors about Obama. All the crap. All the word twisting.
It's a Burn Book on a national scale. But that's OK. Because we know how well THAT worked in the film...
BREAKING NEWS - TMZ is now reporting, with PDF documentary evidence, that Paris Hilton's parents contributed the maximum allowed to John McCain's campaign in April. $4,600 as a couple, and an individual
may contribute a maximum of $2,300 per person per election.