It's official. Mars has water!
Oh, it's true. NASA's Phoenix Mars Lander has collected soil from the surface of the red planet and has found water vapor in the Martian dirt that evaporated when the soil sample was heated on board the lander's laboratory.
So we know Mars has water, but it's still lacking in one thing -- women.
I've come up with at least 8 different plans for what to do about this pressing problem, and here's Plan 9. It all boils down to what kind of impression we want to make for both history and for any potential life forms that might greet our brave Earth women.
Do we want to make a good impress, risking losing a unique and special female astronaut, or would we rather risk making a bad impression and send someone ahem more expendable? I've divided our choices into Group A (Team Good First Impression) and Group B (the Team Better off Red).
Group A: Team Good First Impression
Rachel Maddow: Yes, yes, I know. An earth without Rachel will take some getting used to. It's a frightening thought, but I can think of no better person to send to represent the Earth on Mars than this most eloquent of TV pundits.
Angelina Jolie: Hey, she's already been a goodwill ambassador on earth, so let's promote her and make her a goodwill ambassador for earth. At no extra charge, we will send Brad Pitt so that the first natural-born human Martians will be the first members of a race of super-beautiful people.
Gillian Anderson: Send a redhead to the red planet! If she can work with David Duchovny for years, she can deal with just about any life form -- intelligent or otherwise.
Susan Sarandon: To ensure that the other astronauts get along and live responsibly.
Group B: Team Better Off Red
Bjork: Because she's never fit in that well here anyhow.
The Entire Cast of Desperate Housewifes: And because she's on the same network, we might as well throw in Callista Flockhart as well.
Condoleeza Rice: To teach any potential Martians the value of unilateral diplomacy and finding all the best shoe sales.
Katie Holmes: Let's face it. It would be best for everyone. She'll be miles away from Hollywood so we are spared her movies, and she'll also be miles away from Tom Cruise, which will keep her safe as well.
Rachel Ray: The ship's head chef. Peddle your E-V-O-O elsewhere. Yummers, indeed.
Any more nominees? We'll do the poll once I get some write-ins!