The tire gauge was invented in 1915 by Seaman P. Noe, a sailor from Ocean Grove, New Jersey (New York Times Archive). Born of practicality in the emerging age of the automobile, the tire gauge quickly gained popularity for its ability to rapidly measure tire pressure and determine the under- or overinflation of an auto's tires. Armed with such knowledge, the automobile's owner could maintain optimal tire pressure, and, thereby, insure the economy and safety of the automobile. Little did Seaman Noe know that 93 years later, his tire gauge would play a central role in a fiercely contested Presidential debate about energy policy in the United States.
Of all the simple, useful, portable, and adaptable devices invented by humans, perhaps none symbolizes American resourcefulness as much as the tire gauge. A symbol of intelligence, skill, tidiness, and manliness, the tire gauge adorns its owner with a certain air of authenticity and authority. Worn in the left top pocket of auto mechanics, garage attendants, Tour de France cyclists, NASCAR drivers, aircraft pilots, computer specialists (for reasons known only to them), and perhaps even Moon-roving astronauts, the tire gauge sparkles with an air of pragmatic wisdom. It says, "I am here whenever you need me."
Certainly no device can be deployed so quickly to assess the immediacy of a dangerous situation. Whipped from its shirt-pocket perch, the tire gauge can be put to work within seconds. Those especially skilled in its deployment may have a pressure reading before you can say, "Are my tires low?"
Some delight in their mastery of the instrument, displaying even a kind of obsessive ritual as they approach the car. Grasping the curious white, numbered, stem with their greasy fingers, they extend it and blow gently to insure its free movement. A dab of saliva or WD-40 lubricant loosens the stickiest of stems. With a nod of the head, the tire gauge master indicates he is ready to assess the pressure state of a tire.
And oh how grim the experience of those of us who must rely on these gauge-wielding masters. We crouch close and hold our breath as the gauge assumes its remora-like grip on the tire stem. We wince when the little white stick, like the penis of an old dog, barely nudges from its cradle. We've been exposed: our tires lack proper air! Worse, the mechanic repeats the ritual four times, not even talking or writing down the numbers, simply fastening the gauge and shaking his head as the little white stem fails to make its proper mark. "Pretty bad?" we ask lamely. "Shameful," he replies.
Yet...in 2008...there's hope for the underinflated men and women of America. As energy prices drive us to the poor house, and as the invisible heat-trapping gases from our tailpipes unimaginably alter our climate, we have been desperately seeking something, anything that will help reduce our gasoline costs and consumption. And lo, from out of the energy maelstrom, a calm, mild-mannered, Presidential kind of man suggests, "Keep your tires inflated. Get a tire gauge and check your tires often." The government backs him up: properly inflated tires are worth 12 cents a gallon. That's better than my gas discount at Costco.
This brilliant idea could change the entire face of the energy debate. Maybe we can take bold strides through conservation. Predictably, though, moments later, a gang of oil thugs ridicules the idea. They poke fun at the idea of keeping our tires properly inflated, even though our government tells us that proper car maintenance and tire inflation can save more gas than can be sucked off the ocean floor along our coastlines. They go so far as to graffiti the man's name on a limp tire gauge and hand them out to confuse us and make us question the utility of energy conservation and auto safety. In one simple act, they threaten the integrity, service, and patriotism of one of America's most useful devices: the tire gauge.
Don't be fooled. To hell with them! I'm getting my own tire gauge. And I am going to use it every day. I'll be damned if I'm going to let those McCain-loving bullies at Goodyear stick their gauge in my tire anymore. I'm taking control of my energy budget. I'm leading the fight against global warming. And I'm voting for the guy who suggested the idea in the first place.
Rise up, America. Tire gauges, activate! Grab your gauges and show these hooligans what true-blooded Americans do when someone insults their intelligence. March into the streets. Raise your tire gauge for all to see. Put one in your breast pocket and wear it proudly at work (next to your flag pin, of course). Put one on your key chain and show it to everyone at the supermarket. Take it to school, on vacation, everywhere. Show those bums that we remain the proud, tire-gauge-wielding nation that we've always been.
This is change we CAN believe in! Twelve cents per gallon of it.