Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Dear Diary,
Nobody has a sense of humor anymore. Everyone used to crack up at my jokes. The Chelsea Clinton joke! The gorilla joke! But now I just get criticized for being offensive. Sheesh. I can't even threaten my senate colleagues with waterboarding without getting sour looks. It's gotten so bad I hired a guy to write me some new material. Lemme try it out on you, Diary:
So these three terrorists are reminiscing about old friends. And the first one says "You remember old Hassan? Man, what a temper. Sometimes he'd really blow up!" And the second one says "Hassan nothing. How about Abdul? Did he ever have a short fuse. One time he really flipped his lid – literally. Of course that was only after he'd been decaptitated." The third terrorist shook his head. "Hassan and Abdul were lightweights. Now Bashir, there was a guy with anger issues. The last new suit he bought? Sent him all to pieces."
You know the difference between a Democrat and a jellyfish? Even in Asia they wouldn't eat a Democrat.
I don't know why everyone's whining about our wars. Oh sure they've cost trillions and they've killed or maimed tens, maybe hundreds of thousands and they're destroying our economy, our military, and our standing in the world, and they've accomplished just about nothing. But have you looked at Exxon's profits lately?
And how 'bout my colleague Larry Craig? He said we gotta stop letting these Arabs jerk us around by our gas hoses. Well some of my Arab pals got a little offended by that. See, in Arabia they call it "petrol."
Craig, Foley, Cunningham. They're all Republicans, true. And they've all committed one or two little indiscretions. But they haven't lost their sense of humor. Cunningham sent me a card from jail the other day and it read "wish you were here." And Foley, he went to the airport and had the PA system start repeating "Paging Mark Foley. Paging Mark Foley."
Not so hot, huh Diary? I thought so. I'll drop my new writer. There must be someone in this town besides Dick Cheney who's good for a joke or three.
Respectfully yours,
John Sidney McCain, III