I want to get my mom’s brains out of hock from the right wing, and I’m not sure how I’m going to do it.
Explanation. I’m sort of this partially estranged daughter. I love my mom to pieces and in most ways I have great relationship with her, except one thing. She’s a Republican against her better nature and better judgment. I know that sounds terribly condescending, and it is. But that’s how I feel.
There's a lot more to this story - me and my mom - over the fold. But it's long and not for the harried...
Me? I’m a 39 year old woman, an MSW/LCSW and in my career I have worked for a Governor as a policy advisor (on children’s issues), and as a policy researcher (education finance and professional development) as well as a clinical social worker. I am by nature, by training and by profession a progressive liberal Democrat.
My mom is 63 and was a solid Democrat until the early 80s. She was a big enough fan of Jimmy Carter’s that she attended his inauguration. Then something happened. I don’t know if it was her marriage to my step-father in 1983, a man who once looked me in the eye during the 1992 election season, as I was arguing my pro-Clinton points, and said "You stand for everything we’re against." I knew he was wrong, because this was my mother we were talking about. How could I be for everything she was against?
See, my mom had been a pro-ERA, "You can play baseball, do math and grow up to be an astronaut or president" kind of Mom. Like many baby boomers, she took credit for helping to break down those barriers. She had broken many in her career selling farm equipment - a profession that was fairly hostile to women in the 70s and 80s.
But as I said, something happened. Maybe it was partly my step-father’s influence, though my mom was never the type to seem very easily influenced by men (my father, her ex-husband will attest mightily to this).
Maybe it was the death of my Italian-American grandmother in 1987, a well-known journalist (a real one) and a devout Catholic. My mom took the death of my grandmother terribly hard. To help cope with the loss she re-embraced her Catholic faith and began attending church weekly. Not long afterwards, when I was a freshman in college, cartoonish anti-choice literature found it’s way into my bedroom and I distinctly recall telling her, "Hey, I’m 19 and it’s too late for this. I know what I believe on this issue."
After several blow-out political arguments over the years, I realized that my mom had gone over, way over, to the other side. I‘ve repeatedly asked her why, and she says things like, "I woke up and got tired of paying for everyone else to get a free ride." And on further discussion, she’d talk about lazy people (aka, people of color) who don’t believe they should have to work and that the government should always take care of them. When I ask her when she’s ever met such a person, she says, "I know people who know them," so to speak. When I push her on it and mention that I have worked directly with lots of people who have been poor and I’ve not encountered the lazy person who thinks the government should do everything for them, she calls me an "idealist" and tells me that one day, when I’m older, I’ll probably see it her way. I can promise you, as I’ve promised her, I won’t.
In another conversation she said "I think homosexuality is a disease and gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry." And, "Sometimes, too much tolerance is a bad thing." When I’ve pressed her on this, she says, "Usually Christians are Republicans because Republicans are more in line with our values." When I ask about supposedly Christian values like caring for the poor, the sick, the hungry and the children, she says things like "Big government steals from the middle class to take care of people who are lazy and don’t want to work, so the Democrats can get their votes and stay in office." And this is really how she sees it.
I’ve tried to present different sides to her. Things like scientific evidence that supports sexual preference as biological, not a lifestyle choice. I’ve tried pointing out to her that many of her views on even abortion are more mainstream (she supports early abortion for rape, incest, life/safety of mother, etc.) than what’s proposed by the Republicans and certainly the Vatican. I’ve discussed with her how the Reagan myth of the welfare queen was created to try garner public support to dismantle public assistance to those in need, and cited many real life examples of people I’ve known who used public assistance to house and feed their kids until they were able to get work. I also explained to her that welfare as she thinks of it doesn’t even exist today, and explained how it was reformed – by Bill Clinton (who she really hates).
She doesn’t want to pay high taxes – never mind that nobody, even most Democrats, don’t like to pay high taxes. I’ve talked to her how Republicans use taxes to support corporate welfare and endless war at the expense of the middle and working class, and what’s happened to our national deficit. I try to explain how that’s going to affect her grandchildren. I’ve pointed out how grateful she is to be getting Social Security and Medicare soon, and how the Republicans want to dismantle those programs. Even when I told her I almost lost my health benefits, but thanks to my union they were spared, she said, "well taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for your benefits – you’re only part time." I explained that my benefits were part of my overall compensation, and to lose them would cost my husband and I around $1000 a month (which would be like losing nearly half my monthly pay from this job). I asked if she still thought it was fair to take them from me after I’d already been in my job two years. Silence.
My mother is a very smart woman. She’s built a company and has lived through hardships most people would shudder to consider. She’s got an amazing mind, but when it comes to political issues, she doesn’t use it. She swallows whatever drivel comes from Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity or even Rush Limbaugh.
In a word, she’s been infected by propaganda of the extreme right. She really believes Fox "News" is Fair and Balanced. She is one of those people who sends out emails with tons of lies in them about Democrats. The only good thing is, she HATES John McCain because of his "anger problem" and his stance on abortion, which she thinks has been pro-choice. I don’t want to correct her on that one. She says she’s probably not going to vote this year, which is better than her votes for Bush in the last two elections.
I’d pretty much given up on trying to connect with my mother on these issues. All political conversations between us seem to leave bad feelings. Mom’s got an emotional stake in her hatred and her rage towards all things she sees as "liberal," of course inflamed by the lies of the right wing, that I can’t understand and I can’t reach.
I was so sad that I couldn’t share the moment of intense pride when Ted Kennedy walked on that stage last night and passed the torch to Barack Obama, or when Michelle talked about the very values my mother raised me with.
"Look how far we’ve come since JFK, Mom!" I wanted to say. "Look where we are today! With our help, an African-American family can make it to the Whitehouse and lead this country back to where it needs to be." But I couldn’t call her and say those things because she doesn’t feel that way. Not anymore. Not for a long time.
My mom’s been infected by the propaganda of the right wing and I want her back.
I wanted to just let it go, but I am inspired by what Michelle said last night, in reference to something Barack once said:
"He talked about "The world as it is" and "The world as it should be." And he said that all too often, we accept the distance between the two, and settle for the world as it is - even when it doesn't reflect our values and aspirations. But he reminded us that we know what our world should look like. We know what fairness and justice and opportunity look like. And he urged us to believe in ourselves - to find the strength within ourselves to strive for the world as it should be. And isn't that the great American story?"
I say it is – even when the world is as small as your own family. If we can’t work to heal the divisions there, how can we work for a better union overall?
So I’m going to try. Again. I am really not sure how, because it sure doesn’t seem that argument, logic or even plain information does the trick. But even so, I’ll endeavor to find a way.
Thanks for reading this long diary. I hope that those of you who also have politically divided families will struggle with me to reach out and talk about our values in a way that invites our politically estranged loved ones to join us under the big tent.