August 29, 2008 (AP) -- John McCain announced today that he has chosen Mitt Romney to be his Vice-Presidential running mate after Romney agreed last night to move to Michigan, abandon Mormonism, become a Catholic, and have sexual reassignment surgery.
"As a vagina-having American, a Catholic, and a Midwesterner, I will provide John McCain with the demographic balance he needs to be victorious in November," Romney exclaimed to reporters. "I'm going under the knife this morning -- it's a sort of birthday present for John."
Romney explained at his early morning press conference that he would continue to oppose abortion and to be incredibly rich, shallow, and overweeningly ambitious.
"My friends who are Latter-Day Saints should not think I'm abandoning them," Romney stated, pointing out that Mormons believe in conversion of ancestors and that, even while Catholic, his children would be converting him back to the LDS Church upon his demise. He also explained that, while he would now be a Midwesterner, he would continue to reside in Massachusetts, Utah, California, and several swing states -- all of which Romney explained should vote for him because of his residence.
"I will also be wearing a crucifix and one of those, whatchamacallit, scapular things," Romney pledged. "I will carry a rosary and pray using it continually, mamma mia, faith and begorrah, viva Zapata," he added. "I am the logical choice of all ethnic voters. I am more ethnic than Joe Biden." Romney also pledged that, given his new gender, he would consider becoming a nun and wearing a habit as well. "Whatever John wants," he explained. "Do you know that he's 72? How long could it last?"
Romney explained that, while he would henceforth have a vagina, he would be "the kind of vagina-having American that John McCain could continue to respect," in that he would continue to appear male when wearing clothes and would not be having breast implants or undergoing hormone therapy to change his voice, muscles, or body hair. "Men will continue to be able to think of me as a man, but those who supported Hillary Clinton should feel proud to know that there is a vagina-endowed American in the Vice-President's Chair. I think that the PUMAs will flock to support me. I will have a vagina. And experience. And a fatally heightened sense of self-regard."
No PUMAs could be reached for comment on Romney's plan, because they were watching a movie in one of their apartments and could not hear the phone.
Romney entered the hospital at 7:30 a.m. today, shortly after his press conference ended; doctors reported the operation to be a success three hours later. His political future appeared to be somewhat in doubt, however, when John McCain appeared at a press conference in Dayton with Tim Pawlenty, whom he announced as his Vice-Presidential pick. When confronted by reporters with a notarized letter, dated yesterday and signed by McCain, that had been offered by Romney as proof of his selection, McCain said "Did I sign that? My friends, I don't remember signing that. If I did, it's important to realize that I was a POW."
McCain, asked by reporters about his choice of Pawlenty, became visibly irritated and said that he was proud of his selection of former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge as his running mate, "because he's Catholic, qualified, and a great woman, a great dancer." A visibly disturbed Pawlenty was last seen by reporters edging towards the door prior to sprinting towards a waiting limousine that sped off and took him to parts unknown.
Romney is reportedly still under sedation, which doctors have extended while Republican Party officials decide what to do. Sources indicated that the current plan is to tell him that he was chosen as Vice-President, regardless of McCain's actions today, and then to keep him in a dark place for the next four years, which they plan to explain to him is Dick Cheney's bunker.
President Bush could not be reached for comment, which is probably just as well.