I’m not how you’re all staying so calm, but I am in an increasingly excited state over this Palin for VP thing. My ailments of agitation caused my heart skipped a beat after I first heard the nickname "Barracuda." It was unsettling and, seemingly, an unfitting alias for a woman from Alaska. "Barracuda," as I understand, is typically a male who cruises the beaches in warmer climates looking to throw cold water on the back of big-breasted women who are sunbathing backside up with their tops unhooked - or, men (who may or may not remind you of Bill O’Reilly) slip rufies to women in bars – but not a pretty, outdoorsy, b-balling, bear and wolf-killing, mooseburger eater from Alaska. No!
She should be dubbed "Wolverine" or "Badger" or some other northern-associated animal with overabundant tenacity and razor-sharp teeth, to be geographically correct.
Her awkward A.K.A. geography aside, "Barracuda" implies an aggressive, attorney-ish secondary predator that might bite you on the thigh - which is a very sensitive area for me. It’s just one of the reasons she scares me, but the real reason I’m panicked is...
... I think Sarah Palin is a witch - and before you dismiss me as a raving loon - think about it:
What else can disappear in the blink of an eye?
What else could put John McCain under such a powerful stupor?
What else could turn John McCain from the father of an illegitimate brown child to a Viet Nam hero in 8 short years?
What else could kill a bear by just looking at it?
What else could make Joe Lieberman say "Sarah Palin is a breath of fresh Alaskan air" and not bust out laughing?
What else could make supposedly serious Republican spokeshead after serious Republican spokeshead say "I’m glad Sarah Palin is our pick" without immediately trying to shiver off the shame like a wet dog?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying she should burn at the stake like so many books on her hit list. I’m not saying we should dunk her like a Polar Bear and test her innocence via ye olde "sink or float" test. I’m just saying that if Washington ends up with literal rats in Congress instead of its current figurative population, don’t say I didn’t warn you that this year’s "October Surprise" will be on Halloween.
I don't know about you, but I'm scared shitless.