This is my first diary and I am writing it because of One Pissed Off Liberals' diary. I was surprised at how I felt more than just intellectual sympathy for his life. I have been raised with a background that is entirely different.
I want this diary to be a blend of my life, mixed in with my philosophies, with a dash of humanness.
This diary will be long and disorganized, but I think there is some value to my thoughts.
The reason I am a member of this site rests solely with my fiance. Some of you know her as elsinora. Others know her as the one that nearly gave Ashcroft a hernia. I mention her because she is an important part of my story.
I have never been enthusiastic about politics or cared enough to learn more. I voted for the independent, Perot, in my schools mock election. I did an extensive research project on the 2000 elections. I disliked both candidates, but my final paper supported Gore. I think this has much to do with my father being a part of a union and hating, even, the word Republican. I learned how much I despised politics from my research project. I understood that Kerry needed to win to correct for Bush II's failures. But I felt that whatever Bush could do would be corrected in the next election cycle, if he won again.
Here I am, four years later, engrossed in 08 election season. I like Daily Kos. I am familiar with the liberal bias on this site. I often cruise over too RCP for conservative perspectives. I mention this to stress that I am not as liberal as One Pissed Off Liberal or most people a part of this site.
I have been raised with a family that was secular, middle class, and voted on economic issues. They taught me to be very socially conservative. One Pissed Off Liberal had a Republican, military family, that had lived over seas. I was very well disciplined (in a terrible way) and gave little thought to adventuring. One Pissed Off Liberal had more ambitions and acted on them.
I have the unfortunate tendency of being elitist. I was raised with ignorant world views. My high school enforced these ignorant world views. I was ashamed of how little I understood of the world when I came to college. So, I became elitist. One Pissed Off Liberal read a wide selection of intellectual books and gained knowledge I still don't have. I read adventure stories, horror novels, and comedies.
Now, my story gets more interesting. Despite how much racism I was raised with, despite the sheer will power of my parents to enforce their values on me, despite the conservative environment I was surrounded with, and despite my ignorance of serious issues, I left home independent minded.
This is what I have in common with One Pissed Off Liberal: We both questioned the environment we were in and were determined to free ourselves from society's expectations.
I found the story of One Pissed Off Liberal intriguing. I felt more than just intellectual sympathy. I felt like I finally grasped what Bill Clinton meant at one of my colleges commencements. He said that people are fundamentally the same and very little separates us genetically. I believe One Pissed Off Liberal was trying to express the same theme in his story.
This seems like an odd thing to suddenly understand. The idea is simple and rather universal in most cultures. For me, it is not so simple. I have always had trouble having sympathy for people's plights. I have been raised to be numb to others suffering, because I had so many blatant problems facing myself. I have trouble having feelings for my family. I find them difficult and inconsistent with their behavior. However, One Pissed Off Liberals' diary gave me insight into a persons life that I have never experienced. He made many bad mistakes that I disapprove of. Yet, I hold no superiority over him. I am beginning to see how, yes, we are all human. Better, is how I have that odd feeling again. That one that makes you just love a person, just because.
Now, a little information about my history. I came to college a broken man, but I didn't know it. I have a blessed psychological mindset. I freak out at random intervals about insignificant things. Some call it anxiety, I just call it my normal behavior. I am, almost always perfectly calm when bad things are happening or are about to happen. I came to college on my own. I had no financial help or contact with my parents. I was fortunate my grandfather saved me from certain failure. I was slightly mad in the reckless way I approached college. I assumed that, now I was here, I could do everything myself and screw the world.
For the most part, I did do everything myself. I kept track of bills and keeping myself afloat with every day activity. I sought random people to be friendly towards, by boasting a conservative position and daring someone to challenge me on it. Half of the stuff I exclaimed I didn't believe in, but I made it my business to be the opposite of whatever environment I happen to be living in. I was insulting and unsympathetic to most people.
My classes started off poorly. I got a C- on my first calc one exam, which is silly given how I have had calc one before. But not so silly, when I realized that college is a tough place to do well in. Physics fell apart for reasons I failed to anticipate. Then, there was this awful FP class. It is a writing intensive course that emphasizes learning about various ideas and discussing them in class. I am a terrible writer, and a controversial arguer. The first book they had us read was "Their Eyes are Watching G-d."
Here, is where elsinora takes stage. She had the unfortunate problem of aggravating me. One of my other characteristics, is that when I find a woman likable I get mean spirited towards them. I decided, arbitrarily, that I don't like the main character believing in G-d. My position will be she doesn't believe in G-d and I will viciously argue with anyone that disagrees with me. Elsinora decided to expound on the main characters spirituality. I called her position "the stupidest thing I have ever heard." Okay, I am a terrible arguer, but you can see how unstable my mental condition was.
We dated months later. She hated me, then she liked me. The details are long and beyond my comprehension, so I will skip to an important moment (but, she did much before this moment to bring me mental stability). I was ranting about Muslims one night. I am a religious Jew (I will avoid that long complicated story, too). I had been around Orthodox Jews and they filled my head with many bad ideas. Elsinora is not one that tolerates bigotry. She stormed off when it became clear I was being anti-Muslim. There I was standing outside looking like a cat that just lost a prized mouse. Two thoughts went threw my mind: What I said must have been terrible, because elsinora has never stormed off like that before and: Did I really mean what I said?
I saw she was standing not to far away and I came up and said I was sorry. I have never stated an anti-Muslim thing since. I almost always catch myself before saying something really bad. The answer to my second thought was that, no, I didn't really mean it. She is my closest confidant, and since that moment I have trusted her advice and wisdom.
One Pissed Off Liberal lived a life entirely different from mine. He made bad mistake after bad mistake. But I realize that I am just like him; but with me making different mistakes. My life is not better than his, nor should others view his story with disdain. He did terrible things to his body, I said terrible things to other people. I am interested in what else he has to say about his life.