(OPENING SCENE)
(JOHN MCCAIN is sitting in one of his many houses, peering out at the sunset from a huge window, and he looks wistful.)
JOHN MCCAIN:
I am a good man, I am strong one,
In the Senate, why, I am Top Gun.
But now that I'm in the race,
No one wants to see my face,
This just isn't fair -- I've waited my turn.
Those pundits, those wags,
They don't even see me.
Those bitches, those hags.
Why don't they want me?
What can I do, what can I say? How can they learn?
(An AIDE approaches)
AIDE:
Oh, Mister Senator, if you'll pardon me
The time has come. You must choose a VP.
MCCAIN (thoughtfully)
Hmm...
(MCCAIN approaches a table covered in stacks of loose paper, binders, folders, charts and graphs)
MCCAIN: (throwing papers over his shoulders)
Too Mormon!
Too hickish!
Too pro-choice!
Too Semitic!
Why, none of these men have what I need,
Who, oh, who, can help me lead?
AIDE: (aside)
Or at least win...
MCCAIN: (sharply)
What was that?
AIDE:
Nothing sir.
(MCCAIN reaches for a letter opener and throws it at the AIDE, narrowly missing him. With a sharp "TWANG" it sticks through a large map of the United States and into the table. MCCAIN examines the spot the letter opener has struck)
MCCAIN: (thoughtfully)
Hmm... Alaska...
(END SCENE)
(Scene opens in Alaska. SARAH PALIN is at her desk, going over papers)
PALIN:
We did so well!
We did so well!
Those Feds, I played them like a bell.
Alaska needs that money, please.
Those hockey rinks don't build themselves.
(PALIN examines more papers)
PALIN:
What's this now? This won't do.
Programs for unwed teens who screw?
I'll veto this, and with great delight,
It surely serves those skanks quite right.
(BRISTOL PALIN enters the office)
BRISTOL:
Mother, dear, before you sign that bill,
Listen carefully if you will.
I think you should know something...
PALIN:
Not now, hon. I'm governing.
(BRISTOL exits. An AIDE approaches)
AIDE:
Madam Governor, you are now the vice presidential nominee of the United States.
PALIN:
The United States?
AIDE: The Lower 48, Ma'am.
PALIN: Ah. Go on!
AIDE:
John McCain wants you, you see.
Not Romney, Ridge or Huckabee.
Not Giuliani or Lieberman.
Instead, you, Ma'am. It's history.
PALIN:
This, I can see, will surely win.
I'm pretty, smart, and nice and thin.
If the voters liked their Hillary,
Wait 'til they get a load of me!
PALIN: (shouting)
To the dog sleds! To St. Paul!
AIDE: (running to catch up)
Wait! Stop! These lawyers want to speak with you...
Ah. Too late.
(END SCENE)
(Scene opens on the night of SARAH PALIN's big speech to the CROWD at the Republican convention. JOHN MCCAIN is watching from the sidelines as PALIN takes the stage)
MCCAIN: (looking nervous)
I've done it, I've really done it now!
Those pundit folks, I think they're right.
What was I thinking? How could I do this? How?
I fear I'll lose it all this night.
SARAH PALIN: (approaching the microphone)
I come from the land of the ice and snow,
And there's something about me you should know,
But before we get into that,
First hear about our opponent.
Barack Obama is a silly femme
His resume is really slim
As for my own experience,
I don't know much about defense,
But take it from this hockey mom,
McCain was tortured in Vietnam.
CROWD:
Oh Sarah!
Oh Sarah!
We're so glad to see your face.
Oh Sarah!
Oh Sarah!
We're glad to see you in this race.
Oh Sarah!
Oh Sarah!
Now this campaign can take place,
And we say this as the base.
MCCAIN:
The base! The base!
By Jove, I think I'll win this race!
PALIN:
I hunt moose all day,
I spit, I scratch, I pray,
And for those of you who worry,
What the media will say,
Please don't look so fitful
I really am a pit bull.
MCCAIN: (taking the stage)
Don't you see, my ladies, my gents,
That I've made the right choice?
You worried about experience,
But now, I've found my voice!
PALIN:
I really am the best chance you've got
Barack Obama should be shot
For his views and stances I won't list
You see, he is a terrorist.
CROWD: (applauding)
Yay!
(END SCENE)
(MCCAIN and PALIN run down a hallway after the Republican convention, slamming a large double-door behind them. A large group of REPORTERS can be heard yelling and scratching at the door)
PALIN:
What's the plan now, John McCain?
The press wants me to explain
My pork, my power-loving ways
My secessionism in earlier days.
MCCAIN:
The press? I play them like a fiddle.
I'll tell them all you're in the middle.
You're a moderate like me, they'll soon see
And we'll avert this catastrophe.
REPORTERS: (Shouting through the door)
Ma'am you could be president,
Your running mate is nearly spent,
So maybe you can see why,
We have some questions -- your reply?
PALIN:
No comment.
No comment.
You'll get nothing from me!
You stupid bastards talked about my family!
REPORTERS:
Surely now, we are confused.
Why do you feel so abused?
The voters now, they have some queries.
Are you a pit bull? We have our theories...
MCCAIN:
Miss Wasilla, we must flee,
In the shadows we must be,
I learned this trick from Dick Cheney,
(shouts at media)
Stop pestering my nominee!
(END SCENE)