Dearest Parents:
Morality Patrol Officer D. Underpants here with a special report. Your children are not safe, and it's not just because of perverted politicians who want to teach your toddlers how to have sex. It's worse. It's much, much worse.
As you know, yesterday we were shocked to learn from the reliable McCain-Palin campaign that Senator Obama supported legislation to allow...wait, not just allow, but ENCOURAGE and ENABLE...schools to teach Kindergarteners about "good touching" and "bad touching". This is SEX, people - good touching is bad touching, and bad touching is good touching, you know what I mean? Anyone?
But today comes even more shocking news. One of the most venerated organizations supporting youth development and leadership in our nation - the Boy Scouts of America - is complicit in this effort to turn our country into Sodom and Gomorrah on steroids. That's right. And not just the Boy Scouts; the Cub Scouts, aimed at the most impressionable of our youth:
Power Pack Pals #3: 4 Rules for Safety Comic Book
This 8-page comic is the third in a series of youth protection comics for Cub Scout aged kids featuring Akela, Baloo, and T.C. It illustrates scenarios that advise kids about the dangers of strangers and inappropriate behavior by adults toward children, and what to do in scary situations.
Available in English or Spanish versions.
Don't be fooled by the innocent character names. These are subliminal sex anagrams all their own: "Akela" = "A Leak"; "Baloo" = "O, Bloa!"; and "T.C." = "C . . T" You're all smart hockey moms, you can figure out what's going on here.
Notice, with further righteous outrage, that the Cub Scouts aren't stopping there, they want to encourage interracial kindergarten sex by providing this smut in multiple languages to boot. What's next...available in Farsi or some other radical Islamic extremist language version?
Act now to protect your children. Whatever you do, don't go to the Cub Scouts website and purchase this book. That would send a message that responsible parents want to teach children about "touching." You aren't that kind of parent, are you?
Next week: My helpful refresher course on abstinence as the most effective way to prevent unwanted pregnancies.