Given the speech I heard today where he once again continued the pattern of blaming Senator Obama for things incredulous and/or mythical (aka lies), I thought I'd just go ahead and try my hand at predicting the next speech Senator McCain will give. I realize there are so many different ways that Senator McCain lies, distorts, and panders that I've not come close to capturing them all, but I think this gives a flavor of them:
My friends! And you are my friends, my friends, because if you weren’t my friends, my friends, I wouldn’t be able to give you the straight talk my friends straight to you...my friends.
My friends, it is important that in this most dangerous economic times, that we focus first on the strengths of this country. The fundamentally strong fundamentals of this economy. What are those you ask? I’ll tell you. Reading. Reading? Yes, reading. My friends, as we’ve all learned since we were kids, reading IS fundamental. And we all know reading is also required for the economy. My friends, you cannot buy and sell the great American products and support the economy, if you cannot read. My friends, my opponent does not want to teach your kids to read, he wants to teach them to have sex. My friends, that is not change you can believe in! A little straight talk my friends, I believe in reading! Senator Obama would rather teach your children sex while he sits down to dinner to talk with our enemies, eating American babies. I will not. My friends, almost all Americans can read. Therefore, the fundamentals of our economy ARE indeed strong, no matter how stupid Senator Obama wants you to believe we are.
My friends, it’s time to change Warshington politics. For too long the fats cats and politicians have been running Warshington into the ground with good old boy politics and greed. My friends, Senator Obama has been part of this crowd for a long four years. He’s entrenched in this culture. I will bring change. In my short 26 years in Warshington, I’ve not had a chance to be corrupted by Warshington politics. My friends, I know the elitists out there will say, Senator McCain, 26 is 6.5 times as long as 4. To them my friends I say three words...P...O....W! As a POW, I spent 5 and a half long years in captivity. Each of those years was like a life-time. Senator Obama hasn’t even been alive for 50 years. He’s spent over 10 percent of his life in Warshington. Meanwhile, I spent five and half lifetimes as a POW. What is 26 years compared to five and a half life-times?! I will bring a new freshness to Warshington that only someone with the experience of 26 years in Warshington, and 626 years on the planet can bring!
When my daughter Sarah and I come to Warshington, we will change Warshington my friends. The kind of change that can only come from experience and having been there for over a generation. The kind of change that moving from Republican rule to Maverick Republican rule can only bring. We will improve the economy, win the War On Terror Against Extremist Islamic Fundamentalists Who Hate Us for Our Freedoms, cure cancer, stop abortions, render trans-fats harmless, slice, dice and julienne, and we will bring new fresh change to America, the economy and your underwear. My opponent talks about all of these things, but he won’t do it my friends. In his long 4 years in Congress, Senator Obama is responsible for the economic failure we’ve seen this week, the difficulties in the war on terror, the collapse of health care system and social security, and the impending alien invasion from Regulus 7. My friends, that’s not change you can believe in. In conclusion, Get Off My Lawn! Sorry, someone was on my lawn. In conclusion, my friends, I am change that you can believe in, I will keep my word to clean up Warshington, and I will always tell the truth. My opponent, who eats babies while smoking crack out of a cored baby seal, does not. That is the decision you have to make in this election. God Bless You All, and God Bless America.