(See here: http://www.dailykos.com/... )
I'd like to talk a little bit about bridges. You see, us trolls love bridges. We love living under them and we love stopping people from crossing them.
Actually, I don't mind folks crossing the bridge I live under, just not goats. Fuck goats. Call me a bigot if you want, but I've never met a goat that was worth a damn.
UPDATE Okay, seriously guys, thanks for all of the recs, but there's much more important diaries that belong up here on the rec list. :)
Anyway, we hear a lot about bridges these days, especially about a certain Bridge to Nowhere that my friend Herbie the Troll has been waiting for in Alaska for years now. Herbie, poor soul, has been forced to live under a highway overpass and the cars go by so fast, he doesn't have time to say, "who goes there?"
Of course, we trolls haven't always had a bridgelessness problem. Once upon a time, this nation was full of bridges all over the place. Bridges across rivers, bridges across bays, bridges over canyons... I once met a troll who lived under a bridge that connected St. Louis to East St. Louis. Talk about a bridge to nowhere!
What caused the bridgelessness problem? Well, we trolls aren't usually very political, but I'd have to put the blame on Republicans. You see, when the Democrats were in charge (we only let them cross bridges onto Martha's Vineyard), they had all this money and that money paid for bridges!
Yes, once was a time that a troll didn't have to worry about the bridge above his head crumbling because we paid our taxes like all of the other supernatural citizens of this great nation... but then those Republicans came and kept cutting and cutting and suddenly, we couldn't apply for bridge repair funding anymore. Poor Murray in Minnesota! His bridge totally collapsed on him!
It gets worse though! My friends, the pixies, they live in a lovely forest. Or at least, it was a lovely forest. You see, the Republicans deregulated things and now the forest is a logging road next to a field of stumps. YOU CAN'T THROW PIXIE DUST FROM A STUMP!
And how about those poor fairies! They used to fly everywhere, but what with the cost of fuel since the Republicans deregulated the oil market, they just can't afford it. Yes, fairies have jet engines- the wings are just cosmetic. Anyway, what with the lifted regulations on air quality standards, they can barely breathe once they get up there anyway.
Oh, and lest I forget them, the Mermaids are none too pleased about all this offshore drilling they've been talking about.
The only creatures that seem to be doing well right now are the gremlins who have been canvassing the New York financial district for the McCain campaign.
So please, vote for Barack Obama. I'm not asking for myself. I'm doing perfectly well under the canyon bridge that is Pasadena's Colorado Boulevard. I'm secure because I couldn't afford a 401k in the first place... I'm asking for all mythical beings in this country. Help bring an end to the plight of bridgelessness.