When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should shut up and do what they're told.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men making more than $5 million a year are created equal, that they are endowed by Jesus Christ, lord and savior who you will send you to hell if you don't believe in him with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Money, Power and Greed. — That to secure these rights, Governments are bought and sold, deriving their just powers from the consent of the CEOs of large corporations, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People in charge to take advantage of that fact, and to keep the same old Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness, but no one else's. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes or, in fact, any causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed- but who cares? We're rich. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to crown the Reverend Moon as King of the World, and to kick some Muslim ass. — Such has been the impatient bloviating of the Republican Party; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to keep the current Government above all costs. The history of the present Vice-President is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States and hot damn if it hasn't worked! To prove this, let Facts be hidden from a candid world for 30 years under Executive Privilege.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good because God told him too.
He has forbidden his congress to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them because he's the decider and he decides what's right.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, because we know better than they do.
He has hasn't called together legislative bodies at all because he's a divider, not a uniter.
He has ignored Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people and he's gonna keep on doin' it!
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within, and with a little luck and a lot of Diebold, we're hoping it will stay that way.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands because we don't like brown people.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers. Just ask Michael Mukasey. It's hilarious.
He has made Judges dependent on their willingness to vote Republican.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance, but it's only so the terrorists won't win.
He has taken away from us, in times of peace, Standing Armies to fight a war in Iraq to protect our oil investments.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power, but then he realized hiring Blackwater would be easier.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws (and how awesome is that?); giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For sending large bodies of armed troops to the Middle East:
For protecting America by killing troops over there:
For selling most of the country to China:
For cutting Taxes without caring about the consequences:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury, but they're enemy combatants and so we don't need to stick to the Geneva Convention:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences because they're watching Gitmo these days, so we have to go to Yemen:
For abolishing the free System of Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies. Plus, we stopped them from getting weapons of mass destruction!
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments (also awesome):
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever because we can't trust the people to keep us rich.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring that his Treasury Secretary is the Government.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people, but Global Warming is not a scientific fact.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation- Live tonight on Fox News!
He once had his own baseball team! His very own team!
He has seriously pissed off those stupid Liberals.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have partied like there's no tomorrow- and there may not be a tomorrow if the rapture comes today: The stupid Liberals' repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated mockery. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is exactly why we want John McCain in the White House next.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Ruissian brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their leaders to fight a war in Eurasia. That's our job. We have reminded them that Sarah Palin can see them from her house. We have looked into Putin's eyes and seen his soul. We must, therefore, build a missile shield right away in Poland.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America (okay, just the Republican Representatives, but the others don't count. Except Joe Lieberman.), in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (a.k.a. the Reverend Moon) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Corporations of Dubai, solemnly publish and declare, That we are here to bring this country to an end once and for all.