Thank you! Thank you, very much! How’s everybody doing this election cycle?
My name is Johnny McCain...and I’ve been in Washington, DC for 26 years now. Of course that doesn't mean I cant still claim to be an "Agent of Change". Hell, I change at least one position every fucking hour. I am a very principled guy though. I got all kinds of principles. In fact, if you don't like "these" principles, I got boxes full of other ones in the trunks of my 13 cars...just pick one you like and vote for it.
My opponent, on the other hand...hey, I’m not saying he’s a Muslim. I mean, he says, he’s a Christian. He says a lot of things. I mean, you can believe what you want to believe...I’m not saying he’s endorsed by terrorists or anything like that, I mean...if you want to challenge my claim that the fundamentals of the American economy are still sound...then, you just go ahead and tell the American Workers in every Swing State that you think they’re all slacker bastards who aren't the most productive workers in the world...I don't think you’ re gonna be too popular in...Hey, how about that Sarah Palin, anyway?
What? Look at this guy in the front row...shakin’ his head? You got something against women, Friend?
I’m not makin’ any sense? What the hell do you mean I’m not makin’ any sense? My Friends, will you listen to this shit?
Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran...
Hey, how about that Sarah Palin, anyway?
But seriously folks...I know what you’re thinking. I voted for deregulating Wall Street before I railed against corporate greed. I know I introduced a Five Point Plan to support a bailout before I said I wouldn't even support my own Five Point Plan...I know I wanted to rein in CEO salaries, even though my Top Economic Advisor left Hewlett Packard with a $43 Million Dollar Golden Parachute.
And, yes...I know that I accused my opponent of having ties to Fannie and Freddie while my own campaign manager was still being paid $15,000 a month for lobbying work, two years after he started working for my campaign...
But, fuck, Friends...I’m a fucking Comedian...These are Jokes, Friends...what the fuck do you want from me, anyway?
Hey...how about that Sarah Palin, anyway? Doesn’t she kill a mean moose...from a fuckin’ airplane, no less. You know how hard it is to put a single shot between the eyes of a fleeing moose from a moving plane?
Hey...you...the Head Shaker. You ever shot a fucking moose in a thong while you were hanging out of a fuckin’ single engine Cessna?
I didn't think so. Look at this sexist motherfucker, Friends. He’s not ready to shoot a moose from a moving lane, on Day 1, so...what does he do? He sits in the front row of the Laugh Factory and takes a shot at Sarah Palin. Un-fucking-believable.
Are you believing this, My Friends.
It reminds me of the time these three North Vietnamese were breakin’ my fuckin’ arms in sixteen places while a cage full of rats were gnawing on my balls.
Did I ever yell you about that? I don't like to talk a lot about the 5 and a half years I spent in a North Vietnamese POW Camp. That's the kinda shit that gets ya ready to be Commander-in-Chief, ya know. Get your ass shot out of the fuckin' sky cause you were a screw up in flight training...now, that's what "I'm" talkin' 'bout. Yeah, Baby...
What?
I'm sorry, Friends...the Head Shaker apparently has a question.
Health care? Oh, yes I do have a position on Health Care. I think the Insurance companies are doing a helluva a job regulating themselves.
No...wait...I think we need an to form a Commission on that. Or, was that the fuckin’ bailout I wanted to stonewall with a New Commission? You know me, Friends... I’m the guy who is going to make government smaller with a whole shitload of New Commissions. Im also for letting the free market control itself...that’s why Im for the bailout...until Ill be against the bailout.
You know my opponent was a black community organizer, right?
Hey...how about that Sarah Palin?
My Friends, you’ve been a great audience. Ill be here for another 41 days...Don’t forget to tip your Lobbyists...I mean, your waitresses.
Stop shakin’ your head, ya sexist mother fucker!
GOODNIGHT!