America,
I don't how you haven't noticed, but it's 47 days until the election and no one, that's right no one, has picked me as their VP candidate yet. This is shocking to say the least. In order to help right this wrong, I am listing my overwhelming qualifications below (please sit down before reading, and it's best if you have no hot beverages around), and if you are, or happen to know someone who is, running for president, please let them know about me and that I still haven't been picked. They may just be confused and assume someone already took me. I am available almost all day Friday for a 15 minute phone call, don't call after 10pm or from 7pm - 7:30pm as I'm expecting Dominos.
Foreign Policy Experience
1.) I have played Risk. And you know what, I win a lot. Like 54.7% alot (for Monopoly stats, please see Economic Policy Section). You ever defend Urtusk by rolling double 6 eight times in a row. This isn't easy people, commanding armies, losing buddies in the midst of battle and keep your cool.
Oh, there's more...
2.) I own 2 maps. Now you are probably saying, "Why do you need two maps, there's only one earth?" Well, on my first map, I know most of the countries by name now. And you can check, because most of them are colored in. For the second, it's one of those magnetic maps. That's right you can move the countries around any way you want. When everyone else was like "Wait, where is the Iraq - Pakistan border", I already knew. This knowledge is invaluable when Mongolia gets into border disputes with Australia. Again.
3.) I ate Italian food last night. Old Europe - Delicious.
Other positions that are worth mentioning:
Global Warming
Thank God for this. What is everyone in the Western U.S. worried about? That's right, water shortages. What do we have going on in Alaska and the Artic. That's right, melting icebergs. We build a giant slide, or "ice luge" from polar bears' nesting grounds to Colorado, or New Mexico, or whereever, and viola, fresh water. You're welcome.
Energy Policy
Easy. I believe we give everyone in America a shovel, and "Dig, baby, dig". And the best part of this plan, some people hit oil, some people hit pipes and pay large municipal fines, but some people won't. They will now be in China and will have just completed America's largest spy tunnel network. Will China have a huge spy network to America like this. Not unless we let them use ours, which I won't.
Cosmetic Testing on Animals
Be it pig, pitbull, or chicken, I believe we should put lipstick on no animal. Unless they ask, then it's cool.
In the coming days and weeks, I will continually update my platform to include the Economy, Terrrorism & Fearmongering, Change, and other things I'm sure you don't need to know about me to vote for me, but I'm nice so I will give to you anyways. I'm hoping to have this wrapped up by Friday before Dominos come at the latest. Thanks again for your unconditional, unquestioning, and unintrospective support.
Sincerely,
Your Future Vice-President