Dear Dad,
There is one critically important political issue I neglected to raise with you in our conversation last night. I hesitated not because it lacks importance, but, quite the contrary, because this issue is to me so grave that I aimed to protect it from partisanship, to elevate it beyond the machinations of this season's electoral antagonism; alas, in this election more than any other of our lifetimes, we must speak, you and I, with one voice. There has been unforgivable silence throughout this campaign from us and those like us regarding the one issue on which I believe this election could - if not should - be swung: John McCain's history of obfuscating, concealing, and implicitly lying about his baldness.
The lack of baldness in the White House is a bipartisan issue. There have been twelve elections since America last selected a bald President - there has not been a single bald President elected in the television era, and not a single bald man has held the office from either party since Gerald Ford, who was rejected by voters. For these reasons it is not only an embarrassment, but a disgrace that the bald community has not come together to condemn John McCain's comb-over. As much as I love them, my bald brothers have been derelict at this moment when solidarity is crucial. Imagine if McCain were to lie about his devotion to a minority religion, or if he were to betray his racial identity in the pursuit of this office - interest groups defending the marginalized would be quick to condemn him in defense of their respective communities. Yet the bald continue to give their silent consent to this outrageous disrespect, continue to allow John McCain his defamatory attempt to pass as haired. We must be clear, and the message can only come from bald men like you and me: McCain is nothing other than a cranially-hirsute impostor, a bald self-loather.
I for one would sooner support another haired President than tolerate a humiliation of this enormity, and so I am calling today for us all - Republicans, Democrats, and Independents - to unite under this simple directive: John McCain is a self-loathing bald man, and he must be outed as such lest the entire bald community suffer a dramatic setback. McCain's comb-over mocks the brave evolution of those like his Republican colleague Rudy Giulliani, once a self-loather who now proudly displays his own shining dome free of awkwardly overgrown side-hair. Mayor Giulliani stands as evidence that serious progress has been made, and yet on election day all such progress hangs in the balance. To elect John McCain would be to demean the heroes of our movement; from Dwight Eisenhower to Anthony Edwards, from Benjamin Franklin to Patrick Stewart. To elect John McCain would be to give in to the worst within us, to consent defeat before the Rogaine-users and the ass-hair transplanters, and to allow yet another election to be won by the cynics and the misanthropes.
It is time we said to the self-loathing and the haired alike: we will not be disrespected. It is time for bald unity. It is time to vote against John McCain.
Your son, concerned bald man,
David Soll