From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
We wrote this list one year ago. Since it apparently got "misplaced" in the White House mail room, today we re-submit it. This time, the world is watching...
Dear Santa W. Bush,
This is my Christmas wish list:
A speedy end to the Iraq war
Elimination of the deficit
Clean air and water
A short winter
A strong dollar
Support for the Federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act
Social Security in a festively-wrapped lockbox
Harsh penalties for incompetence
Uniform voting machines with paper trails
Osama's capture
Honest answers
An energy policy that makes sense
A world that doesn't hate us
Fair and balanced news
Basic health care
Stronger corporate oversight
A fundamentalist Christian church that follows the Golden Rule (Note: the Mennonites are OK per Pastor Dan)
FDA-approved drugs that don't cause heart attacks
An end to arrogance
And since I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting any of that, I'll settle for a pack of clean underwear. I'll e-mail you my size. Since I now know you've been spying on me for the last 4 years without a warrant, I'm sure you know my underwear size already. Which reminds me: could you add impeachment to the list?
Hugs,
Bill in Portland Maine
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Note: All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Until he won a seat on the city council and suspended Prancer's liquor license for the Velvet Antler sports bar. Who's laughing now?
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Christmas: 5
Days `til Hanukkah and Kwanzaa: 6
Days `til Tom DeLay regains majority leader status in the House: Twelve thousand four hundred and never
Number of times Condoleezza Rice mentioned September 11th during her 15 minute interview on Meet the Press Sunday morning: 10
Number of times she said, "I am not a lawyer:" 3
Number of letters in "No shit, Sherlock": 14
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Now whippet! Whippet good!
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CHEERS to happy days in the land of rocks and poppies. Afghanistan convened a session of parliament---where nearly one-third of the members are women---for the first time in 30 years. Dick "The" Cheney was on hand. Just to make sure things didn't get too democratic.
JEERS to all this sneaking around nonsense. Cheney---who seems to be everywhere these days---flew to Iraq over the weekend. It was such a secret surprise that even the Iraqi prime minister didn't know he was coming. You've never seen so much porn get shoved under a mattress with such lightning speed.
P.S. Cheney wouldn't allow footage of his "Sweets and Flowers" victory parade down George W. Bush Boulevard in Baghdad, so we'll tell you what you missed: the fat man standing in a donkey cart holding an orchid while whipping his ass with a Twizzler. Hail to the victor.
JEERS to getting' snared by your own lasso. Lawrence O'Donnell on whether Bush has violated the law by authorizing unfettered spying on Americans without a court order (from The McLaughlin Group): "Yes he has. He has violated the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act [FISA]. Now, the people who were doing this under the President's orders would have a solid legal defense that they were ordered to do it by the President. But this is a very direct presidential violation of this law. Executive order does not [give him] the capacity to do this legally." That explains all the sandbags piled up in the White House windows this morning.
CHEERS to Auction Fever! The YearlyKos crowd is holding a special eBay auction as a fundraiser to help keep the attendance fee as low as possible. Among other things, Markos is donating the original artwork for the DailyKos logo. I double dog dare ya to outbid me.
JEERS to the Republican thugocracy. File this under "pathetic:" the Washington Post counted up the congressional subpoenas against Clinton and the Democrats for alleged misconduct over 8 years vs. those issued against King George W. Bush and his goons over 5. Ready for this? Subpoenas against Democrats under Clinton: 1,052. Subpoenas against Republicans under Bush: 3. Lawdy Lawdy, Gladys...what an honest administration we have!
CHEERS to smackdowns in unexpected places. So I'm researching gluten allergies for a project at work, and yesterday I came across a support web site with a forums page. The top post is gluten-free, all right---a rant against the Bill O'Reilly-fueled phony war on the War on Christmas:
Are there actually people who believe that no other religion matters? Don't they know that people are also celebrating Hannukah? Are Jewish people not worthy of a holiday greeting? Only Christians?
Too bad I can't break bread with y'all. But I'll settle for some gluten-free falafel...
JEERS to losing our future vice president. One of our favorite actors, John Spencer, had a heart attack and died last week just shy of his 59th birthday. Our thoughts go out to his family. Meanwhile, producers at `West Wing' aren't sure what they'll do now. Maybe make a phone call to Wes Clark?
CHEERS to the birthday girl. Today is YearlyKos co-director Gina Cooper's birthday. Over the weekend she got some very, very, very good news about the June 8-11 event in vegas that she was hoping to share with you today. The ink is still drying, however, so we hope to break it to you tomorrow. Until then, many blessings on your camels, Gina. And congrats for snagging S... Oops, I almost said it.
CHEERS to the Man of the House. Representative John Dingell of Michigan just marked 50 years in the House of Representatives. U.S. News and World Report notices he has quite a way with words:
He's...one of the few who can break up the dreadful bureaucracy-speak with folksy sayings like "That's about as useful as side pockets on a cow" and "Madder than a boiled owl." [One of] our faves: "He's so crooked, they will have to screw him into the ground," a comment Dingell made after one such politician had just died.
Saaaa...lute!
CHEERS to nervous cockroaches. Conservative columnist Kathleen Parker's prediction from last weekend's The Chris Matthews Show reveals a lovely twist in the Jack Abramoff case...
Parker I hear plea bargaining.
Matthews: What's he got to bargain?
Parker: Well, he's obviously got to produce some pretty big fish to avoid going to jail...
Matthews: Like Tom DeLay...
Parker: Everybody's `lawyering up' in Congress and it's going to be a good Christmas for Democrats.
Meet ya for caroling at, say, 7?
CHEERS to sweet irony. On this date 202 years ago, the Louisiana Purchase was completed in a New Orleans ceremony with representatives of Napoleon's administration. The land mass encompasses parts of MT, SD, ND, IA, KS, CO, WY, LA, OK, MS and NE---red states who owe their existence to France. Sacre bleu, pard'ner!
JEERS to that certain smile. Well, they finally did it. Took the Mona Lisa's grin, stuck it in a computer, and analyzed it six ways to Sunday. And it's just as we all suspected: SBD.
JEERS to crap. Jeez...5 days before Christmas and the best thing on DVD today is season 4 of MacGyver? Don't everybody press against the video store doors at once.
CHEERS or JEERS to messing with nature. Scientists have virtually mapped the genome of the woolly mammoth, and say they may be able to bring them back to life. Upside: mammoth rides at the petting zoo would be kewl!! Downside: Fools...didn't they see Jurassic Park?? Take the poll and let's settle this thing...
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One Year Ago in C&J: December 20, 2004...
JEERS to the fox joining the other foxes who are already in the henhouse noshing on drumsticks and breaking eggs. Louisiana Rep. Billy Tauzin, one of the architects of the convoluted Medicare prescription drug bill, has accepted the CEO position at---take a deep breath---the Pharmaceutical Manufacturers of America. Funny...my alarm clock usually wakes me up before my dreams get this nutty. [12/20/05 Update: "Tauzie, yer doin' a heckuva job!"]
CHEERS to Time magazine. They believe history will show that 2004 marked the start of the golden era of the "buh-log." (and yes, Kos gets a mention). In your stocking this year: fresh pajamas!
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And just one more...
JEERS to the gun nuts. And they can't blame this little "incident" on faulty trigger locks. Oh well...Happy Kwanzaa?
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"I still believe there are certain goods--like Bill in Portland Maine--that people want to go in and try on and touch and feel."
---Merrie Frankel, analyst
Moody's Investor Service