From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Shouldn’t we be, like, revolting?
I mean, really. What does it take for Americans to turn out into the streets and scare the crap out of the corrupt power brokers in this country so that they understand who's supposed to be in charge? Is there nothing they haven’t screwed us on? Jeez, I don’t have to spell it out for you---you know how awful things have gotten. And it's primarily because of a group of opportunistic, lying, cheating, thieving, power-mad and highly insulated bastards who are probably a few thousand in number. We are a country of over 300 million. Call me crazy, but that sounds a bit lopsided to me.
Not that I'm a big fan of rioting or violence of any kind, you understand. It's inconvenient, for one thing---these days you need an Excel spreadsheet just to juggle everyone's schedules. It can get messy, for another. If you're going the tar-and-feathers route, forget about Shouting those stains out of your knickers. Controlling your mob is always a challenge, especially if they go charging into the wrong house and start breaking the wrong person's furniture. ("Whoops, sorry Gladys---we'll glue the armoire back together, no problem.") Adrenalin-fueled outrage decreases bladder control, so mass potty breaks can kill your momentum. And you just know that a bunch of people are gonna end up inadvertently stabbing each other with their pitchforks or setting each other on fire by swinging their torches where they're not lookin'.
But who am I kidding? No one's gonna riot anyway, even though many Americans probably feel that the times call for it. We're busy, we have families, and so far the Iraq war, the economic meltdown, and the clampdown on our civil liberties haven't deprived us of our favorite TV shows. Besides, law enforcement is armed to the teeth these days. If I actually attempted to walk around with a pitchfork in my hand shouting "Give me liberty or give me death!" I'd probably be Tasered and cuffed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the city of Portland has a tank or two parked in some garage, waiting to be deployed at the first sign of trouble. And rubber bullets are a dime a dozen.
It's funny how the right-wingers say the second amendment is vital because, among other things, it gives Americans the power to rebel against our government if it becomes too oppressive or possessive. Yeah, right. I'd like to see 'em try that in this day and age. They'd be wetting their pants at the first sign of teargas. We the People have become We the Easily Subdued, even among the puffed-up bazooka owners on the right. Heck, I bet if George Bush told us we had to start quartering troops we'd do it. (Actually, a soldier around the house could be very helpful---"Here's the Windex, Corporal, get busy. And lose the shirt.")
Instead we rebel by grumbling to our family, friends and co-workers. By joining campaigns, donating to them, and voting. By blogging and writing letters to the editor. By swamping Congress with emails. By openly mocking the powerful (I love being able to call Bush and Cheney major-league assholes). And making the occasional call to our leaders and even running for office. We can be angry at the soulless thugs who have caused very bad things to happen to us but, hey, let's be reasonable about it. Violence ain't the answer, even if we do have dreams of running the bums out on a rail.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call the cops. Seems someone's parked a tank on my lawn.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Note: For your convenience, today's C&J has been pre-moistened.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Obama-McCain debate at Belmont University in Nashville: 6
Days `til the 87th West Side Nut Club Fall Festival in Evansville, Indiana: 5
Percent drop in the Dow on December 12, 1914: 24%
Percent drop on October 19, 1987: 23%
Percent drop on September 29, 2008: 7%
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
Social Security number of Todd Davis, CEO of ID theft-protection firm LifeLock: 457-55-5462
Months it took for someone to steal his identity after he published the number in an ad: 13
(Source: Harper's Index)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 164 (including 4 famines and 1 Satanic power ballad). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oh my.
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CHEERS to October. Fall kicks into high gear for leaf-peepers and cider-lovers, and a High Holy Day for gays---Halloween---looms large. This year I'm dressing up as the scariest person I know of to make old and young alike quake in their knickers: President Sarah Palin.
CHEERS to kickin' back with kewl Kossacks. Invitation Alert! Invitation Alert! We're having a New England meetup on Saturday October 11 in Portland. We'll gather for eats and drinks at DiMillo's Floating Restaurant starting at 12:30. To give the restaurant an accurate headcount, please RSVP to my better half, Michael, at cuckolds@maine.rr.com. Oh, and if things work out right (i.e. we find a car with a big enough trunk), Susan Collins will be on hand to entertain us by walking the plank. Arrrr...
JEERS to hyper overhype on hyperdrive. The conventional wisdom was that the first Obama-McCain debate would attract 100 million viewers. The reality: 52 million tuned in...less than the first Kerry-Bush debate. Thus making the official winner of last Friday night's contest...high school football. Go team.
CHEERS to reviving the patient. Wall Street bounced back yesterday, with the Dow up nearly 500 points. Funny how that happens when Congress takes the day off.
CHEERS to Tom DeLay: comedian. Yesterday on Hardball, Chris Matthews asked the former House Majority Leader (and Jack Abramoff's best buddy) if Republicans would round up enough votes to pass a bailout unicorn rescue plan this week. Quoth the bug man: "I think they're gonna get it in the end." But only if they talk really naughty first.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Think Progress asks: After Taking Credit For Bailout Bill, Is McCain Campaign Willing To Share Responsibility For Its Failure?
No.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to pretty pictures. I don’t know much about Intrade except that their 50,000 members apparently put their money where their mouth is. Since I presume they don’t like to make losing bets, it's pretty cool to look at their latest electoral map and see landslide potential for Obama. I've got 5 bucks that says Dick Cheney declares martial law, dons an ape costume, climbs the Empire State Building with Sarah Palin in his paw, and diddles with her hairdo while biting the heads off of pigeons. If he does it before noon today I'll double my money.
CHEERS to James Earl Carter. And Happy 84th birthday to #39. He was stubborn---and too much of a micromanager---during his White House years (plus the hostage crisis didn't help). But his post-presidency warrants every accolade we can throw his way, especially his swipes at King George the Nincompoop. And did you know this?
Willie Nelson once performed at the Carter White House, after which he enjoyed the first family's hospitality by staying over. That night, the country crooner climbed up on the roof, took in a little stargazing, and---while marveling at the way in which the city's streets converged on the executive mansion---lit up what he called a "fat Austin torpedo." Security agents were nowhere to be found. As Nelson insightfully recalled after the experience, "The roof of the White House is the safest place I can think of to smoke dope."
In the C&J cafeteria cooler today: Billy Beer!
CHEERS or JEERS to doin' the ol' switcheroo. The House version of the rescue bill---and the last shred of John McCain's credibility---went down in flames Monday, so today the Senate will take a whack at passing their version first. It includes Barack Obama's brilliant, game-changing idea to raise the FDIC insurance cap for bank customers from $100,0000 to $250,000. And then there's this:
The legislation also includes a "Mental Health Parity" provision, which would require health insurance companies to cover mental illness at parity with physical illness.
There they go again, putting the needs of the Wall Street CEOs first. The nerve.
CHEERS to getting tough. Finally...Finally!!! After squandering most of his campaign by running milquetoast ads that basically said, "Vote for me, I'm nice guy," Congressman Tom Allen has produced an ad that actually takes the shocking step of differentiating himself from Susan Collins. Sure, "we part our hair on different sides" isn’t terribly persuasive, but ya gotta start somewhere. More like this, please.
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Four Years Ago in C&J...October 1, 2004: Bush debates Kerry:
CHEERS to John Kerry. Polished, poised, presidential...without perspiring. And he finally delivered the perfect flip-flop defense: "My mistake is how I talked about the war. But the president made a mistake in invading Iraq. Which is worse?" Your move, polls.
CHEERS to George W. Bush. Defensive, distracted, didn't wanna be there...the Democrats' wet dream. Rapid blinking and fidgeting reveal excessive nervousness (a great quality to have in a C-In-C, yes?). And let the record reflect that he sighed more than Gore in '00.
P.S. "Mexed Missage?"
JEERS to Bush the mime. Did you notice the half dozen times the Preznit reached for---and attempted to drink from---a glass with no water in it? It summed up his presidency perfectly: Stay the course even when you keep coming up empty.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a timely time-out. Wall Street wails. Bush babbles. McCain mortifies. Palin prattles. Congress confuses. Is there no one willing and able to ride to the rescue and soothe our shattered senses? Yep, and just in the nick of time: fresh James Taylor. Now, who'll talk me off the ledge tomorrow?
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Oh, and mention the Phrase of the Day---"I couldn’t hold it no more"---in the C&J cafeteria and get a free three-bean salad. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"You could say, Look, is this guy, Bill in Portland Maine, really the bad guy that's depicted? Most of us have never heard of him before."
---John McCain
9/98
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