I finally did it: I scored an interview with the brain trust of the Republican Party, Mrs. Sarah Palin "I'm the smartest woman in Beegmoosedong Alaska" herself! Transcript follows.
My interview with Sarah Palin
(/SNARK ON)
Me: Ms Palin, could you explain what’s wrong with this country right now?
Sarah Palin: Well....um. You know, that’s just a trick question, you sneaky Pete you! (smiles and grins). You hateful liberal media types are all alike, always trying to trip up us Godfearing Republicans that love America types.
Me: Well, okay then. Could you tell us a bit about what is wrong with the Democratic party? What would you say to Democrats this evening?
SP: Well....I guess I’d just say that they are the reason we are in this mess.
Me: And what mess would that be?
SP: You know, this big bailout mess. It is the Democrats fault, you know.
Me: Go ahead....
SP: Well, you see it’s like this: you know that the liberals all hate babies. And did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein? Not that it makes any difference of course.
And you know, the liberals are all baby haters. And of course, there are the jobs. All of those jobs; but then those immigrants came in and stole them all, and that’s what John McCain wants to do. He wants those jobs back for Americans!
Me: Ms Palin, wasn’t McCain for the immigration bill....that would have let immigrants stay in the country legally?
SP: You’re just trying to trick me again, you Tricky Devil, you. (grin)
SP: You know what, the liberals are working overtime with their French buddies. It’s those French loving, America hating liberals. That’s our problem. (smile with dimples)
Me: Ms Palin, do you actually know anything about our economy? Do you even know what a T-Bill is?
SP: Well, I know this. I believe T-Bills are important, and John McCain says that Americans are important. Because John McCain loves America, and by God he was a POW. Do you know what that is? That means he was in the war, I think. But I’m going to have to check with him and get back to you on that part. (smiles and tilts head)
Me: Ms Palin, does John McCain want more war with Iraq? What will he do to end the 10 billion a month we spend there?
SP: Well, Iraq is small potatos. 10 billion a month, it’s like...well, it’s like you have a teenager that is a little naughty, and you still have to give them their allowance. Because if you don’t, they won’t buy condoms and then you know what happens (grins).
Me: Uh...you mean you have kids that get pregnant?
SP: You know, it’s not about getting pregnant at all. It’s all about abortions. We don’t believe in them, because we love life. And a life that isn’t worth living, well it’s not much of a life at all. And not having a life, well if you don’t have a life, then why even bother to live? So John McCain says you should just keep on living.
SP: Oh, you Goofy George you. (grins). You were trying to trip me up, talking about my pregnant daughter weren’t you? You Naughty Nance, you.
Me: Uhh...yeah, you caught me. Darn it.
SP: You liberal media Joe, you. You probably hate babies too. And I bet you kick puppies. And who doesn’t like cute little puppies, you baby and puppy hating liberal media Joe! Shame on you. Shame on you and shame on Obama, that liberal America hating politician whose middle name is Hussein, by the way. Not that it makes any difference. Hussein, Hussein, Hussein, Hussein.
Me: Hmm. Let’s get back on track here. What would you do to help stimulate the economy? We’re in a slump now....what is your plan?
SP: Well, my plan is to just tell people to shape up or ship out. Stand up straight and tall, mister! Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps! Yessir. God helps those who help themselves. And of course, don’t forget that the Bible says "never a lender or borrower be".
Me: Uhh, didn’t Pontius say that last line in Hamlet? And aren’t the rest of those quotes just hackneyed old sayings?
SP: Well, you know what they say: "every cloud has a silver lining".
Me: Good luck with your debate with Senator Biden on Thursday.
SP: Hey, you’re just trying to trick me again. (grins). You Sneaky Sam, you.
(/SNARK OFF)