In honor of National Coming Out Day, I would like to tell my story as well. I hope that, most of all, it will dispell the notion of "Gay by Choice" which is a load of Mooseshit, Charlie. Wink Wink.
I guess I always knew I was gay. Looking back on my childhood, it was always other little girls that caught my fancy. Imagine my surprise when my mother decided to take out a second mortgage and send me off to an all-girls boarding school for high school! I went and by my junior year I was head over heels in love with a classmate. We hid it like crazy, walked in the shadows and kept to ourselves for the most part but as college neared we tried to figure out how to go to the same college. It didn't work out. She went out west, I stayed on the east coast and vowed to be true. I wasn't. She wasn't. And the inevitable breakup happened. But it was a breakup in solitude because no one knew...and I was devastated.
Fast forward a couple of years (in the closet). I met a coworker that was gay- the first peer I ever had that was happily out of the closet and knew my life was going to change. I slowly came out myself and felt free for the first time in my life. The family wasn't really amused but I lived three states away so it wasn't an issue day to day. Those were wonderful years- good friends that shared a common bond. I fell in love again- my first try at real adult love. I was smitten with her and in my head wondered if this could possibly be my 'happily ever after'. We gave it a go for a couple of years and things didn't work out and once again I was devastated.(She is now a fullblown Republican and voted for W twice so maybe it was really Gods way of doing me a favor) This time I was "dont get out of bed for weeks, dont eat, dont sleep" devastated- it was ugly. I relied on my friends because my family didn't want to hear it. My grandmother had pretty much written me off by then and my mom thought i was "going through a phase".
A few months later, i was starting to see light at the end of the tunnel and was sitting at a bar and the gentleman next to me chatted me up. He was intelligent, seemingly established, handsome, kind, well spoken etc. We stayed friends and he knew all about my situation and confessed that he thought he was falling in love with me anyway. I was still reeling from my loss,confused, young and stupid. To make a long story short, I did exactly what the Freepers and the Pray the Gay Away crowd have been saying all the gays should do. I made the conscious decision to be with him. I quieted that little voice in my head that said "have you lost your mind??!!" and decided to date him. My gay friends deserted me and wouldnt answer the phone when I called. Three months later, I found myself pregnant. I CHOSE (hence the phrase pro CHOICE!) to have the baby and that is when all the pressure from the families began. When are you getting married? When's the wedding? When are you buying that house with the white picket fence? Both sides of the family were relentless and I cracked under the pressure. I once again, quieted that little voice in my head and found myself in a little white dress saying I do.
Once married, I tried. I tried so hard. I hoped that I would wake up in the morning and never think about a girl again. I tried to tell myself that I loved my child enough to stay with her father because he was a good decent man that loved me and she deserved two parents. Then the panic attacks started. Then the agorophobia began. One day I realized I hadn't left the house in 5 months. Yes, 5 months. I would look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. Gone were the smiles. All I saw was a woman that was 100 pounds overweight, miserable, living a life that was complete lie and scared to leave it all at the same time. You would think this would be a turning point but I hung in there another 6 years.
This decision that I had made was killing me slowly. I was never able to pray that gay away and no one will ever be able to convince me that I just didn't want it enough. I was living a life that wasn't authentic, I was living a lie and the it was time to atone. One day, I decided to run. Not run away, literally run down the block. And the day after that I did it twice. And so on and so on.... In a few months, I had enough self esteem to leave. I told my husband that I was gay and he knew it. He now says that he was wondering what took me so long.
So, we separated. The weight fell off, the panic attacks are gone, the agorophobia is long gone. The smile is back. The girl that didn't leave her house for 5 months has a passport with many stamps on it now. The miserable human in the reflection of the mirror now owns her own business and is an amateur photographer. I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman and have the audacity to wonder if I have once and for all found that happily ever after.
I look back and struggle with the question "Do you have any regrets?" It's very hard to regret a decision that eventually produced my 2 daughters. But the flip side of it is that those two daughters still struggle everyday becasue their parents arent together. It has been hard for them, without a doubt. I know they get teased at school sometimes because they have a gay mom. They now carry my burden to a certain degree because I made a decision 13 years ago.
I am living proof that "just wanting it enough" just doesn't work. I tried. I was straight "by choice" for a decade and it just didnt work. Never again.
Never again. It is one of the reasons I work hard for progressive values. I was living in the deep south back then and was surrounded by bigots. I lost a job because I was gay. I understand the struggle. Now, I know what it is like to want to marry but not be allowed. And so I fight. I fight for what's right everyday. And although my girls carry my burden at times, they also see a fighter in their mother. And one day that will set them free as well....