Being a True and Concise History of the Year of 2008 and the Election Therein.
Chapter 1
- The Revelation of the Truth, which The Polls did give unto him, to show unto John The Candidate things which must shortly come to pass; and ‘twas sent by The Pollsters, The People, and The Faithful unto The Candidate, John.
- In those days, John sought the Nomination of the Party, and Lo! It was granted unto him by the Karl, who was the Rove, and the Charlie, and the Phil, (who was known as Gramm), and John did think unto himself "I am that called The Maverick, and thus will ply mine own Way, and shake off the shackles of that called the Bush, to call the Undecided, and the Independents, and the Reagan Democrats unto His Cause.
- And also in those days came another Candidate, set in opposition to John, called Obama from Illinois, and from Hawaii, and from Indonesia, whose father was of Africa, and whose mother was of Kansas, and Obama did say "Come, ye of Faith, that Change may sweep like a flood across the land." And the Undecided, and the Independent, and the Reagan Democrat did hear the call, and heed it, and flocked to his side.
- And at that time did Obama choose a running mate of great courage and verbiage and strength, named Joe of the Biden, and the people looked upon his choice, and they Approved.
- The speech of Obama and Biden did lead the People to understand that John was tied yet more firmly to the Bush, and John’s Numbers did decline, and John was chagrined. And so he did turn to his advisors and did ask them, "What must I do to overcome the man, Obama?"
- And it was given to John to understand that he was the Keeper of the Great Tradition of The Republican Party, and, though he tried to gather unto him those who were Undecided, and the Independents, and the Reagan Democrats, his efforts did fall upon deaf ears, for the Republican Party was known unto the Undecided and the Independents and the Reagan Democrats to be Greatly Wrong, and offensive to their eyes.
- And John did cry out for guidance, and Karl, who was the Rove, did reply, "Choose thee a mate in mine own image rather than thine, and she will raise your campaign from the dead."
- And John did choose a woman of the far north, Sarah, called the Palin, who did speak with great energy, and was received by the people. And at that time a miracle did occur, and people did heed her, each hearing her words in their own tongue (although afterwards none could quite determine what it was that she had just said.)
- And the Man Obama did smile tolerantly, and Biden did grin wolfishly, and they did say "Let us speak of the Issues," and the people did begin to turn from the Palin and listen to his words, and he did Surge in the Polls.
- At this time, a great Meltdown did occur, and the people cried out for leadership. At this time, Obama did call unto his followers: "Let us rise up, and empower the middle-classes, and educate the People, and improve our workers, and the crisis will pass, be it painful and slow." And his words did find favor with the People, and they turned from John, who was now known as The Erratic, and John was chagrined.
- And so John did wail mightily, "O, Karl, why hast thou given me this task, which is an impossible one?"
- And Karl, who was the Rove, did answer, "The task be not impossible if ye but become more negative, for thine attacks rail not against the substance of the Man, but rather his Policies, which find favor in the ear of the Righteous. But thou must bear false witness against him, for the Man Obama is, indeed, clean."
- And John was chagrined, for he knew that Rove spoke evil, and that Obama’s words had found favor with the People, but he did so want to win, and he had no choice but to do as he was bid.
- And so John did set forth and did speak against the Man, Obama, and not his policy, and he did bear false witness in his testimony. He sent his messengers out to speak, and he sent his followers out to find what they could to hold against the man Obama, and yet they found naught but empty rhetoric and hollow lies, and the people would not hear those words, even in the echoing chamber of The Fox, within the Rove’s own City, for none would hear him.
- John, discouraged, did stand before the Rove, and did cry out a second time; "O, Karl, I have sent my followers to find tales to hold against Obama, and I have sent my messenger to repeat the words you have given me, and yet we find nothing against the man but old lies, and our words ring hollow in the echo chamber, even that which is called The Fox, in your city."
- And Karl, who was the Rove, did answer a second time, "Then speak more loudly, my servant, and use such words as ‘terrorist’, and ‘unAmerican’, and the People will hear you. And more, they will hear the words you do not say, the words none can say today, and yet each will hear in their hearts, and they will heed you"
- And so John did send out his messengers a second time, to speak more loudly, and more hatefully yet against the Man, Obama, and their words fell once more upon deaf ears. But the effects of those words were seen by all, and the People felt a great horror, and revulsion, and John sank still deeper, and his numbers did decline.
- At this time, the Palin was found guilty by the Council of the North of transgression against the Law, and though she did twist and turn, she was judged guilty, yea, by the People, too, and she fell from favor in their eyes.
- And the Pollsters did their work, and John did read the Polls, and he saw his chances had faded to naught, and he was chagrined.
- And a third time, he did cry out: "O, Karl, what can I do to raise myself from this pit into which I have been cast?"
- And the Rove was silent for a moment, before he did speak, with a smile upon his face.
- "You’re on your own, son," he did reply, and John knew that he had lost.