It's a familiar refrain: "Help! The McCain campaign is phonebanking me, and I don't know what to do."
Fear not, "phonebanking" is a completely natural part of the campaigning process. Prepare now for this emergency. If you know what to do, you can turn this inconvenience into a wonderful opportunity to help the Obama campaign.
Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this difficult and very personal process:
- Do not panic. The person on the other end of the line is likely just as scared as you...
- Remember: when speaking with a McCain campaign phonebank volunteer the most important thing is to keep that person on the line as long as possible. Every minute they spend on the phone with you, they cannot contact other potential voters.
- Take a deep breath. This may take a while; if you handle the call right, you could be on the line with the McCain volunteer for hours, perhaps days. Notify your employer ahead of time that if you are phonebanked, you may miss some work. Be sure to have plenty of food and water available.
- Identify yourself as UNDECIDED. Inform the volunteer that several of your friends and your very large family (located across Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania) are also undecided, and they are likely waiting for you to make up your mind so you can tell them who to vote for.
- Follow these simple steps - rather than a script, the following is provided as an assortment of suggestions you might try. Use the strategy that works for you. Remember, when the McCain volunteer hangs up, you lose:
- Pretend you have a bad connection. If you have some old papers handy, you can try to simulate the sound of static. For the most part, though, simply ask the volunteer to repeat him/herself again. Then ask them to repeat him/herself again, more loudly. Tell them you alllllmost heard it all that time. Please ask them to repeat their talking points. From the beginning.
- Being sure to reiterate how VERY undecided you are, tell the volunteer you must put them on a hold, quickly, to go check on your yacht (or insert whatever Republican-sounding task you want). Check back in a couple minutes later, apologize profusely, tell them how very concerned you are about "Senator Obama's past associations", then put them back on hold. Repeat as needed.
- Take a bathroom break. Ask them to hold. Repeat as needed.
- Pretend you are very old, and are having trouble following what they are saying. Ask questions only tangentially related to their talking points. If they say "Maverick", tell them you "love that show". If they say "William Ayers", say "I'm a millionaire?" and get all excited like you're an adorable elderly person who mistakenly thinks he or she has won the lottery. Get angry when they explain - but not angry enough so they hang up. Try to order a pizza from them.
- Ask them to define every other word. "What do you mean by 'maverick'?" "What do you mean by 'experience'?" "What do you mean by 'vote'?" "What do you mean by 'eligible'?" "What do you mean by 'hello'?"
- Tell them your 6-year old son would like to hear a story. Say if they tell him a story, you will vote for McCain. Put the kid on the line. He's always asking crazy questions about everything. This should kill an hour or two.
- Say you are planning to support John McCain, and all the rest of the Democrats running for congress. When the volunteer asks you to explain, have a very honest and open conversation with them about the upcoming election, and be totally truthful about everything... except, when you mention McCain, say "Obama", and vice versa. For example, "I can't believe Senator Obama suspended his campaign in that stupid ploy, he must really think we're stupid," or "I fully support John McCain, because it's really time for us to have a black president". etc.
- Ask where John McCain stands on every imaginable issue. Some helpful examples: Universal healthcare for dogs. The new m&ms color. That baby in India with the four arms. Joe Torre vs. Joe Girardi. The Britney Spears comeback album. The new "Knight Rider". etc.
- Get 'em off track. Did they see that SNL skit on Mark Wahlberg talking to animals? Wasn't that hilarious?
- Ask for detailed personal advice from the volunteer on a wide variety of issues - relationships, crises of faith, gardening, hygene.
- Speak extreeeeeemely slowly. For example: "Good evening sir, I'm a volunteer for the McCain Campaign, how are you?" "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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- Say "Wait! What? Say that again?" Do this every five minutes. Demand they start at the beginning. With asking you for your name.
- Claim to recognize their voice. Ask them where they went to high school. Swear that you remember them. Tell them long, convoluted stories about how you used to hang out together. Tell them you remember their secret about that thing they did . Laugh lustily.
- Tell the volunteer you'd be happy to pass the phone around to all your friends, who all happen to be there, and who all happen to be undecided. Continue your conversation, impersonating new made-up friends every 5 minutes or so. For example: "I'm sold! Would you like to talk to my cousin Juan? (pause) Hola? Ees thees Yon McCain?"
By following these simple steps, you can help our democracy move forward. Please feel free to provide your own advice in the comments.