From 1940 to 1966, a daily column appeared in the Irish Times under the byline of Myles naGopaleen (who was really Brian O’Nolan, who was better known for his whimsical, tricksy novels written under another pseudonym, Flann O’Brien … got that?) I would highly recommend, to you lovers of satire, the selections that appear inThe Best of Myles.
One of my favorite recurring features of the column was known as the “Catechism of Cliché,” where O’Nolan would criticize the dead metaphors of his day by writing guides to their proper construction in the mode of a dry, parochial-school-style interrogation.
I’ve been chafing at a couple dominant metaphors in contemporary political coverage, and I thought, why not revive O’Nolan’s strategies. Please use the comment section to share catechistic takes on your own pet peeves of political journalism.
Here we go!
To what pugilistic activity is political discourse best compared?
Boxing.
Or, more specifically?
Sparring.
Into what units of time is this activity to be divided?
Into rounds.
Which element of said activity corresponds to the public arena or debate stage?
The ring.
What do politicians do to this arena when preparing to engage in pugilistic activity?
They step into it.
What do they do, generally speaking, once there? Please answer by turning a body part into a verb-phrase.
They face off.
Which element of this activity corresponds to the individual political dictum?
The jab.
Or, more rarely?
The blow.
Or, more rarely still?
The punch.
The inability to deal with these aggressive acts is attributable to which body part?
The jaw.
But only if it is made of what inorganic material?
Glass.
Without this shortcoming, a politician will do what to these aggressive acts?
He will absorb them.
When one of these acts carries too much force for such a tactic to succeed, we can call it what?
A knockout punch.
When one of these latter dicta carries only a large fraction of the needed force, it becomes what?
A knockdown blow.
Failing such definitive closure, what must we do?
Decide.
How?
On points.
And let’s conclude by letting Chris Matthews and Pat Buchanan, Palin-like, exceed the capacity even of successful satire to mock them to the fullest necessary extent.
MATTHEWS: You know, Pat, you and Gene, I remember the boxing days—just to go for stylistic—I thought we saw Archie Moore out there tonight in the form of John McCain, the Mongoose. He’s down there, crouched down, grumpy, angry and every once in a while he throws a jab up there at the guy and keeps his head down. I don’t know if the other guy was Marciano or not, I didn’t see him land any bee stings, either. Can one guy float like a butterfly and the other guy be the Mongoose and give us a fighting fight?
PAT BUCHANAN: I think it was Joe Frazier fighting Muhammad Ali. Remember “Smoking Joe”? He kept crowding him and getting in. Muhammad Ali was jabbing him and jabbing him and Frazier would get in close and hooking him with the left and hooking him and hooking him. Frazier won one of those three fights.
MATTHEWS: He looked like crap afterwards. He won the fight but his face looked like the face lost.
BUCHANAN: That’s right.
Good night, and good luck!