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Here’s why I am not running for president.  If I were in the same room as you, Senator McSame, I would have told you a few things last night.

You are lying sack of shit.  

You are an evil man.  

I wish a pox on you and your Stepford wife.  

Your face looks like a lizard, and you enjoy making it look even uglier with your eye rolling, tongue poking, and sneering.  You are condescending, mean, rude, and angry.  You are erratic and prone to uncontrollable outbursts of rage.  Little children should be afraid of you.  Dogs should instinctively bite you.  Are you the kind of man we want holding the nuclear codes?  Fuck no!

You are not honorable, you are dishonorable.  You will never be the man that your father and grandfather were.  You will never be an Admiral, and you will never be Commander in Chief as a substitute for that failure.  You failed as a pilot.  You are no "maverick," sir, you are a coward who has gone whichever way the political winds blew in order to get ahead.  You are a political slut, and a willfully ignorant one at that.

Your Republican Party has fucked up our economy and imperiled our interests around the world.  You’re not President Bush, huh?  How do you explain voting with Bush 90 fucking percent of the time, jerkwad?  If Bush were in the Senate, even he wouldn’t vote with himself 90 fucking percent of the time, being the dumbass Commander Cuckoo Bananas that he is.  You’re so close to Bush, we can still smell his stale deodorant on your clothes from that warm embrace you gave him, and we can still see the cake frosting on the side of your twitching, lizard-like mouth, from when you shared birthday cake with him on the same day New Orleans was getting crushed by a hurricane.  

You don’t give a flying fuck about Joe the Plumber.  And Joe the Plumber is dumb enough to vote for you anyway.

You don’t give a flying fuck about regular working folks.  You own 10 homes. (Or was it 13?)  You have no idea how many cars you own, but it doesn’t matter because you don’t even remember the last time you actually had to drive yourself somewhere or pump your own gas.  You are so out of touch, Hall and Oates should give you a worldwide, royalty-free license to use their lame-ass song from the 1980s as your campaign’s theme song (Second choice: Rich Girl, in honor of Mrs. McStepford).  

You don’t give a flying fuck about women or women’s issues.  Your nominee for vice president is a cynical joke at the expense of experienced, intelligent women across this country. You failed as a husband.  You cheated on your first wife after she was crippled, and committed adultery with your Stepford wife and even got a marriage license with her before you were even divorced from your crippled first wife.  Nice.  

You use the phrase "pro-abortion" as if anyone – anyone – actually likes the idea of getting an abortion.  You think the phrase "health of the mother" is some kind of excuse for women to have abortions.  You would ban all abortions and with the same stroke of the pen cut funding for all pregnancy-prevention programs.  

You don’t know jack shit about the economy, and yet you have the audacity to claim that you are able to lead our country through its worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.  What an asshole.

You are a disaster waiting to happen on foreign policy.  We are already the world’s biggest bully in the eyes of our allies and enemies alike, and what is your solution to that problem?  Refuse to talk to countries you don’t like, and start new wars we hadn’t even thought of.  Great.  What a fucking joke.  If you are elected to any office outside of Arizona, we better get on that motherfucking space ship and get the hell off of Earth, because there won’t be anything left of it when you’re through with it.

Your very presence on the same stage as Barack Obama makes me ashamed.  Ashamed that a major political party of our nation could nominate someone so profoundly fucked up as you to be the leader of the free world.  

Have a nice day, Douche Nozzle.  

Originally posted to Donkey Underpants on Thu Oct 16, 2008 at 09:50 AM PDT.

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