Senator Ted Stevens testified on his own behalf yesterday in Alaska.
For the first time, I felt real compassion for the man. He's a victim.
He describes his own plight in this letter to his colleagues. See if you don't have a new sympathy for this poor man after reading his own description of the nightmare he's living...
SENATOR WARNS GOP COLLEAGUES AGAINST ROGUE HOUSE-IMPROVERS
Dear Republican Senate Colleague:
I'm a victim. Don't you be one.
Without my knowledge or consent, roving bands of house-improvers have been sneaking onto my property and upgrading it without my consent or knowledge.
Imagine the horror -- the VIOLATION, if you will -- of coming home and discovering that someone has, under cover of night, constructed a new deck on your home, with a new gas grill.
You pray they'll stop. You'd beg them to go away and keep their damn renovations to themselves. But no. They won't leave you alone.
Soon there's a new steel staircase. How could this have appeared overnight? Damn them! They have their ways, and those ways are stealthy and malign.
New furniture? STICKLEY? The beloved IKEA stuff was sufficient! Now a toolbox! Now a GENERATOR!
Sometimes I think I must go mad.
I thought I could handle this problem myself. How wrong I was. Don't you make this mistake. If local law enforcement isn't good enough, consider hiring local militia members. We must STOP this scourge of covert, felonious house-improvement before it spreads.
I blame HGTV. DAMN YOU KIM MYLES!
Sincerely,
Ted Stevens
Senator, Alaska