More than any other election, I find myself very emotional this season. Weary, wary, anxious. All coming out because of a glimmer of something shining through my cynicism. What could that be?
Now, my life circumstances might have something to do with all of this. I'm living with an intractable, debilitating illness that has ravaged my life. Given that, I guess it's understandable that I might be emotional. But, as low-spirited as I get, I don't get into a place where my feelings are trapped inside and I'm dysfunctionally channeling them through unrelated circumstances. So, what is it about this election?
The first election I paid attention to was in 1980. I didn't turn 18 until December and couldn't vote. I was in college and there was a lot of election buzz. I was a bystander. I was flabbergasted. "They elected an actor!", I thought to myself. "We certainly don't take this stuff seriously." Of course, I later realized that this actor had been a political agent for some time before that. But, I also couldn't believe people were buying this 'Trickle Down' theory. My family lived in one of the wealthiest towns in the nation at the time. I could tell you in no uncertain terms, these wealthy people were not concerned about the well-being of anybody else. They barely cared about the well-being of those in their own social set. They were going to buy more houses, more cars, more boats, more vacations, more jewels, more furs. They weren't going to make sure that their maids and drivers and carpenters had adequate health insurance or were making enough money to save for retirement. The foundation of the free market economy is Darwinian, survival of the fittest. Every man for himself.
I've been apathetic about politics since then. We've put an ex-CIA head into office. That felt too close to the KGB's Kremlin running the USSR. I mean, after all, he was involved in the Iran-Contra escapade. Then we had the philanderer. How nationally embarrassing to spend a presidential campaign talking about his pecadilloes. Of course, that didn't stop. Plus he sold out our workers in his free trade deals. With an opposition congress he signed away banking regulation. Next, we go and hire a "CEO" for America. One that failed at every previous attempt to be a CEO. His VP Search Committee Chair searched so hard he found himself. And the lying, war-mongering, power-unifying, civil rights destroying rest is history. I guess you could say I've never been inspired.
Then comes Obama. I resisted. When he spoke in 2004 and everybody fawned, I said, "So, he can give a good speech." Delivering a prepared speech does not a great man (or woman for VP) make. I didn't give him another thought until the presidential primaries. You can read about some of what I learned here. The bottom line for me was how consistent his vision has been. I've seen the transcript of a speech he gave to a high school in 1992 and in it he talks about finding common ground when we have differences and building from there rather than focusing on the differences. He talks about the power of all Americans working together. In all of his work he has demonstrated the effectiveness of this. He has also demonstrated an understanding of the systemic obstacles in place for those who are not in power. He encourages everyone to stand up to the challenges they face while also understanding that some challenges are too big and society needs to transform those. The more I read about his accomplishments and what the people who have actually worked with him had to say about their experience of him, the more I felt something. Something. What was it? Dare I say, hope?
It sounds ridiculous to me. I don't "fall in love" with famous peple. (Never will understand the fainting Beetles fans.) I certainly have a healthy dose of cynicism when it comes to politics. With the complexities of the bills they create and sign, it's so hard to sort out what they've been for and against. When pandering to constituencies they are masterful at double speak, making it impossible to know what they really mean. And I'm sure that Obama has mastered these skills like any politician. Still, unlike any other politician he doesn't leave a trail of angry people behind him. Republican and Democrats alike say they can work with him. Almost all of the bills he's sponsored in the U.S. Senate have had a co-sponsor from across the aisle. What surprised people about him is that he's able to empathize with an opposite point of view without caving into it. The most common mistake made about him is that he's so nice he must be weak. They're caught off guard when he tells them to their face how he disagrees with them or calls them on their untoward behavior. They expect him to cower, but he doesn't. He's a different kind of lion than the one in the Wizard of Oz. He's smart, he's compassionate, he's steady, he's strong. He's everything we always say we want in a leader. Shit. He helps you believe that we could move towards a different way of being.
That's frightening. First, since my hope has been buried under decades of cynicism, it almost hurts to let it see the light of day. Second, for this transformation stuff to work I have to stand up and do my part. No sitting back apathetically waiting for the Earth to tilt on its axis and slough off the grime of human experience. Gotta put a little elbow grease into it. Third, I then become afraid that it won't happen. A new kind of anxiety creeps in. What if the majority of my fellow citizens don't opt for this? What if they want to continue on the path of meanness, lack of self-critique and seeing everything as a war? Will I ever experience this hope again or will that be it for my lifetime? It's fear. Fear that I've allowed my voice to speak out for what I'd like us to be and my voice will be shouted down with hate. If there's one thing I hate, it's hate.
It's been a long campaign. I started canvassing and making calls last December. I'm weary. I'm wary. I'm anxious. I think I read the news every day just hoping that someone will tell me it's over, that we don't have to wait until November 4th. Knowing all the while that we have to push through. Can't let up. When I hear cries at rallies of "terrorist" and "kill him" and accusations that he's a socialist or a 'commie' or anti-American, I lose faith in us as a nation. He has some policy ideas that are different from his opponent. How does that make him any of those things? Why do we go there? Can't we disagree without turning the other person into an 'enemy'? People who call others anti-American, who hang effigies with Obama's name, who slash tires at a campaign event, who fire bomb campaign signs, these people scare me. I don't want them around my daughter. I want them to get help. To learn more constructive ways of expressing themselves.I certainly don't want leaders who fan the flames.
In the meantime, I have to find the energy to do what I can to stand up to it. We all have to . So, when I feel weary and wary I seek inspiration. Such as this clip I saw today on the Washington Post site. And here's where I surprise myself. It's a humorous clip pointing out the absurdity of calling some parts of the country "pro-America". When I see the parts where Millbank is talking to attendees at the Obama rally and then the short clip of Obama speaking and the tremendously positive energy coming out of the crowd, I realize I'm in tears. Why am I crying? These people are in Virginia. I'm in Massachusetts. Being a Progressive in Massachusetts is no big deal. But we've felt pretty disconnected from much of the country as we've watched this strange form of political rhetoric that is simply about attacking character and not about debating solutions catapult the likes of Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld into the halls of power, selling our future to the military industrial complex. The Haliburton's of the world. And now the AIG's of the world. There was a huge disconnect from what they were claiming about "family values" and how much they actually protected families. We're a nation declining in stature and we haven't been able to have a respectful dialog with one another about how to stop the free fall. For many years, I've felt that no one really wanted to talk. But when I see that video and so many others of the huge crowds of people responding to Obama's call for us all to see each other as fellow Americans, I don't feel so alone anymore. I can see that there are millions out there who are hungry for the same thing I'm hungry for: an inspiring leader who calls us all out to work together and to stop thinking only of ourselves. He's asking us to consider looking out for the more vulnerable among us as a way of strengthening us all. He embodies the concept of servant leadership. I think my tears are the release of pent up angst and fear for what my daughter will experience as an American. The tears are washing away the cynicism and unearthing a little faith. For the first time in my life, I want to be out amongst a lot of people on election night. Win or lose, this is an historical American experience. Whether I'm elated or dejected, I know that I'm not alone in what I saw as our potential. I want to the support of sharing either emotion with a whole community. I don't want to be in compartmentalized in my living room. Who knows, I'll probably even cry in public! How about you?