This morning as I was reading Dana Milbank's column in the WaPo, I had a vision. Something about this paragraph ...
They turned Palin's speech to an extended call-and-response routine. When Palin praised Virginians' patriotism, they chanted "USA!" When she mentioned Joe the Plumber, they chanted "I am Joe!" When she spoke of energy policy, they chanted "Drill, baby, drill!" When she singled out a member of the audience, they chanted "Bless your heart!" When she invoked Obama, they chanted "No-bama!" and then "Use your brain! Vote McCain."
... bought up images of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Half-crazed fans? Check. Costumes? Check. Long lines to get in? Check. A rabid fan's familiarity with the script? Check. Completely absurd? Absolutely. All we need now is rice and toilet paper and jangling keys.
With a clear shout out to the The Official Fan site of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and its prop list with graphics by Phil Dejean, here we go ...
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Early on in Sarah's schtick, she introduces First Dude. Again, here's Milbank:
The Diva then introduced the Dude. "Someone I'd like you to meet, and that is my husband, Alaska's 'first dude,' Todd Palin," she said. When the crowd answered with chants of "Duuuuude! Duuuuude!" she added: "It's about time we had a dude in the White House."
What's the thing to toss here? Duds? Milk Duds? Or big handfuls of rice? You decide.
Rice: At the beginning of the film is the wedding of Ralph Hapschatt and Betty Munroe. As the newlyweds exit the church, you should throw the rice along with the on-screen wedding guests.
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Of course, it's only a matter of seconds until Joe the Plumber makes his appearance. There's just no other prop to use. It's toilet paper.
Toilet paper: When Dr. Scott enters the lab, Brad cries out "Great Scott!" At this point, you should hurl rolls of toilet paper into the air (preferably Scotts).
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Next, she goes into naming the crowd like an unruly litter:
The Diva proceeded to list some people whose money the Democrats would take away along with Joe the Plumber's: "Doug the Barber and Christine the Florist, and Cindy the Citizen. We've got Joe the Plumber's Son, Jack the Hunter, Vickie the Realtor. One of my favorites last night, it was 'I am Joe Mama.' "
This, sports fans, is when you start tossing the Alpha-Bits. Because, really, name a letter and she has a name. This works for crowd frenzy and her own baby-naming. Zamboni Palin, anyone?
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She just can't get through a speech without mentioning that darn media. Get those newspapers ready. For best effect, hold it in front of your face. Extra points if you can plug your ears and at the same time yell "La La La I can't hear you! La La La."
Newspapers: When Brad and Janet are caught in the storm, Janet covers her head with a newspaper The "Plain Dealer". At this point, you should likewise cover your head
.
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Each and every part of her speech has some crowd response:
When Palin praised Virginians' patriotism, they chanted "USA!" When she mentioned Joe the Plumber, they chanted "I am Joe!" When she spoke of energy policy, they chanted "Drill, baby, drill!" When she singled out a member of the audience, they chanted "Bless your heart!" When she invoked Obama, they chanted "No-bama!" and then "Use your brain! Vote McCain."
Of course there's some limit to what these people can take into an event. So, working with what's often in a woman's purse or a man's wallet, I have a few more suggestions:
Here's the picture from her intro at one of yesterday's rallies. (Again WaPo.)
Is that the guy from the Village People introducing her? Okay, I'm lying. It wasn't him. But, really. It just reminds me that if the word "Mav'rick" is uttered (Ha! If!) that crowd has an obligation to do the "M" from YMCA.
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Here are a few more:
• When she mentions Alaska, hold up your road map. She needs to find her way back there and fast.
• If she dares go down that pit bull track again, throw a tube of lipstick on the stage. (If you can produce one of those whistles that will raise the dead, that's a great substitution. You know the kind. Stick your fingers in your mouth, and with one exhale you can deafen every neighbor within 50 feet. It's the whistle I learned to use as a kid when I needed to call the dog from a half-mile away.)
• "Drill, baby, Drill" has got to be accompanied by the ringing of car keys.
• At the mention of Eye-Rack, take all your money and throw it on the ground. No difference really from what we have been doing.
I'm digging through my purse and there just has to be some use for:
• Business cards
• Random receipts
• Fuzz-covered jelly beans
• Stray buttons
• Bus tokens
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I just have one more suggestion. This Horror Show needs to be a limited engagement. Make sure everyone you know votes on November 4.
UPDATE: Toast! How could I have forgotten the toast? Razorblade gets the credit for that fabulous addition.
Sarah, you are toast.