I just happen to be a liberal who has been known, from time to time, to work undercover behind enemy lines. Thirty years of living in a red, red district has trained me well in just how to do so. So in 2006, I would have been one of those guys who goes from Republican event to Republican event, recording all that was said on a hidden microphone (yes, we actually do that too), and then sending the MP3's of those meetings and speeches to various Democratic candidates and headquarters.
Yeah, it was kind of sneaky and underhanded. So sue me.
I have been too busy working for the various campaigns around Washington State this election cycle to do the same thing this time, but because I was at all those events in '06, my name is still on all the Republican mailing lists, and I get letters galore for donations to the right wing, and in this election, phone calls from McCain/Dino Rossi supporters.
I had had a long day of work, and I was a little cranky, and when the phone rang again tonight with the telltale caller ID, I slipped for a moment back into guerrilla warfare mode, and decided to have a little fun keeping the good folks at McCain Washington Headquarters from doing any constructive work.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: "Hello?"
McSame Drone: "Hi, my name is ********* and I am calling on behalf of the McCain campaign to ask you to support the Senator for President, and his friend Dino Rossi for Governor by mailing in your ballot as soon as possible. Have you voted yet?"
Me: "Oh, this is perfect. I just opened up my ballot and was getting ready to vote here, but I'm not sure who to support in all of the different races. Do you have a minute to help me out with that? I mean, I'm a Republican, but I don't know most of these people, ya know?"
At this point, he stammered a bit, like McCain when he gets off script, then said he would hand me off to someone in the campaign who could help. I repeated the spiel to one of the campaign coordinators, and could almost hear his obvious excitement at the prospect of virtually filling out some idiot's ballot for them. We talked for five minutes or so about the campaign, as I was stalling like crazy. I figured the longer they were on the phone with me, the less time and phone lines they were using to look for and talk to actual supporters.
Me: "Man, I sure do like that Sarah Palin. Isn't she somethin'?"
McSame Drone Higher up: "She sure is. So are you voting McCain right now?"
Me: "Yes, just let me fill this in. I don't want to do this wrong, since I've never voted before."
OK, so that was a lie, but I'm a godless commie liberal, and I have no conscience.
McSame Drone Higher up: "Make sure to fill in the box completely. Are you using a pen?"
This went on for about 20 more minutes, actually, and I couldn't tell if this guy really didn't have anything else to do, or if he was still buying my bullshit by this point.
I was down to the Commissioner of Public Lands where I was drilling him with questions about Peter Goldmark, the Democrat, and why he wasn't a good choice even as I was filing in the box to vote for him, and every time he would try to weasel off the phone, I'd fall back into a voting question like:
Me: "So I just throw this in any old envelope and mail it off, right?"
Which would send him into a small panic with an exasperated sigh and a long explanation. Ten more minutes went by, and he was getting pissed to the point of wanting to hang up, but not wanting to lose the vote. Then, as he was just about to sign off, I dropped the bomb:
Me: "OK, I've filled in all of the boxes next to people I don't want to vote for, so I think I'm all done."
Silence.
"Obama/Biden '08!" I yelled into the phone and hung up.
Give it a try sometime. Turns out guerrilla campaign warfare is wonderfully therapeutic after the last eight years of Rovian Bush hell.